Page 69 of I Don't Need Your Love
I want to tell her I’m okay, but maybe a break will do me good. I grab a water bottle from my bag, leave the gym, and take a stroll outside. I want to clear my head, but it appears like my parents want to take a permanent residence there.
I’m not even angry. I should be mad at them for being terrible parents. But it takes up too much emotional energy to be mad. It’s easier to just let the anvil crush me further.
When five minutes are up, I return to the gym and resume practice. But I once again can’t seem to get the moves down and when I spin, I knock into a girl and send her crashing to the floor. I go still when I realize it’s Carly. Of course I wouldn’t want to hurt any girl, but the fact that it’s Carly makes me feel like crap.
My hand itches to hold itself out to help her up, but I can’t move. It only lasts for a second or two, before I manage to get it to move.
“Sorry! Are you okay?”
She glances at my outstretched hand before getting to her feet. “I’m fine.” Turning away from me, she instructs everyone to start from the top.
I back away from her, swallowing the lump in my throat. What’s wrong with me?
“Ryder.” Coach is at my side again. “Are you sure everything is okay?”
I want to nod to her, but my head won’t move.
She studies me before telling the others to take a break and asking me to step aside. After everyone leaves the gym—Carly keeping her gaze on me for a bit—we drop down on the last row of bleachers. I keep my gaze on the floor.
“If you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you, that’s okay,” she says. “But I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine.”
“I know what it’s like to be your age. The stress you’re under. You’re young, but you need to make so many decisions that will impact your future. It’s so overwhelming, you can feel trapped.”
I nod slowly. I wish my problems were just that, but I’d rather not broadcast them to the world.
“And of course you’re dealing with personal issues as well,” she goes on. “All that could feel like you’re carrying the world on your shoulders.”
I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say.
“I find having different outlets can help with the stress. Many kids take on a hobby, such as music or dancing. Considering that in your case dancing is also a stress, using it as an outlet is counterproductive. I think you need a hobby that will make you happy and help relieve some of that stress. Do you have anything in mind?”
“I mean, I love football, but ever since my injury, it’s not the same. Even watching games stings.”
“Naturally it does. You miss it. That was a large part of you and now it’s gone.”
I bend forward. “Yeah.”
“Have you ever thought about joining my art class? Art is a great way to relieve stress and it can be very enjoyable as well.”
I twist my mouth. “Art? I don’t know how to draw.”
“You don’t need to be talented to attend my class. My class is a safe space to express yourself however you want to. No one judges or criticizes. It can be a place for you to express yourselfand relieve some of the pressure you’re under.” She smiles. “My students have told me that when they’re in my classroom, they travel to faraway worlds and it relaxes them. Their stress nearly always dissipates. Art has a way of calming the soul. Do you think it’s something you’d be interested in?”
I think about how much has changed since I lost football. It was such a huge part of my identity that sometimes I don’t even know who I am. Like what I’m supposed to do. Sure, dance has taken up a large part of my time, but like Coach said, it’s very stressful. I feel like I don’t want to disappoint her, Carly, or the team by performing so badly. But with art, it’ll just be me and my drawings. No one else. I can’t disappoint anyone. And if it distracts me from my parents, then that’s a big bonus.
“Sure, that sounds great. Something I might need right now. Thanks for offering and I’m sorry I ruined dance practice.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t worry about that. The art class is tomorrow and we meet once a week on Tuesdays. Of course you don’t have to stick with it if you don’t want to. I’m just giving you the option.”
“Thanks. I’ll be there.”
With a warm smile, she pats my arm and walks away.
We resume practice and I do slightly better, but it’s still terrible. No one seems to be annoyed with me. Carly watches me with concern, but as soon as our eyes meet, she glances away.
Once we’re done, I try to catch her to apologize, but she disappears out the door with her friends. Maybe it’s best I give her some space, same way she’s giving me space. She’s got a routine to focus on. I’m sure the last thing she needs is me upsetting her further.
