Page 44 of The Secret Life of the Elusive Governess
Moses pressed his lips together as his mind whirled. When he next opened them the floodgate broke and his words rushed out like a torrent. He told Dalton his first impression of Caroline, how he had marveled that she was a governess instead of a lady. He told him how she had taken up the mantle left by Lavinia and given his children a nurturing, motherly figure. He told him how all of a sudden Lavinia had gotten up in arms against her and he had to pull her out of the Duchess’ clutches three times.
“She can quote Ovid, Dalton,” Moses remarked while not realizing his voice had slipped into one of deep admiration. “Ovid. Do you know how long it took me to read the masterpiece called Metamorphoses and she can quote it bymemory?Gad. She speaks French like a native, walks with the grace of a queen, and has this self-assured air about her.”
His breath was forming a white mist as the air had gotten colder but Moses did not care. His mind was solidly concentrated on Caroline. The pause between both men was pregnant with heavy deliberations and unspoken words until Dalton cursed under his breath.
“Moses, I have never heard you wax so eloquent about anyone before. I can hear the care you have for this woman, but you are putting yourself on the edge of a precipice. A scandal like this would-”
“Cast my honor into a dunghill, bring disgrace upon my family, color the people I serve, and be printed on the scandal sheets of our blessed nation for years to come,” Moses sighed, “I know…but this feeling. I cannot rid myself of it. As I have told you, I am tormented day and night.”
Dalton leaned beside him with the night breeze ruffling his head of dark hair, “I cannot tell you how to solve it, my friend. Many other men, in your position but with decidedly fewer morals, would have already put their wife out and taken in the Mistress but you are not of that sort. Case in point, you haven’t even touched her.”
Yet…Moses silently added without thinking.Yet.
He was not sure how long his strength could hold out, keeping himself circumspect, as every moment that slipped by felt like a waste and tested him.
“I am fighting it, but I cannot come to a resolution. Just thinking of sending her away makes my heart and head hurt.” Moses added. “I am under the hatches, my friend, nine ways from Sunday.”
Dalton turned back from the railing and placed his back to the breeze. “Think of it, can you possibly imagine life with her, one that would be free from scandal?”
“No,” Moses replied.
“Can you imagine a life without her in it?” Dalton pressed.
An ache bloomed to life in Moses' chest at the very suggestion, “No.”
“I have heard more pain in your last no, Moses,” Dalton sighed, “I can only advise you to think about what is bigger than you, but I have a hunch that you have already done so. If you are sacrificing your life, and happiness for propriety my friend, on your deathbed you will hate yourself for doing so. This is not an invitation to cry off from your marriage but… in the end it is your life, Moses. Think of that.”
Somehow, Moses thought, he was even more confused than before.
* * *
Caroline had just finished marking Lord Hayward’s composition in French and was reaching for Josephine’s arithmetic but found that she could go no further. It was nearing to dusk and the Duke had not returned from his trip to visit the Earl of Dalton. Little by little, the expectations she had of him, though fantastic, had come to show her how impossible they were.
I had thought he felt more for me than just that I was a part of his household, one he needed to protect… I was foolish. How can I love one who is taken?
It got clearer every day that the Duke’s priorities and affections were still with his family and a part of Caroline was happy about that. What she was not happy about was why she had allowed her emotions to rule over the logic of her mind and make her believe that the Duke had feelings for her.
She had set her cap way too high and now that it had plummeted to the ground, her foolish expectations had come back to laugh at her, she could only blame herself. Repeatedly, she had gone over their multiple interactions and could only conclude that what she had mistaken for affection was only pity.
How could I possibly expect a man in his position to feel anything for me but pity?
A woman her age, lady or commoner, would have been wed and on her second or third child by then. She, however, was still untried and the most scintillation she got was by reading old romance novels. It still was not enough. She yearned to be held, to be touched, to be seen, appreciated and loved for who she was. Her station would not give her that no matter how high she rose.
Maybe I should let this position go. There is nothing for me here.
“Miss Robins?”
Caroline’s head darted up to see the object of her contemplation standing there in the doorway of her schoolroom. She instantly stood, “Your Grace, you’re back. Welcome home.”
She frowned minutely when he turned and closed the door behind him and she stepped out from around the desk.
“Your Gr—”
His brows lowered, and she blushed, “Moses, are you well?”
“No,” He said deeply. “No, I am not. And it is all your fault.”
Fear rent her chest in half, “My fault? How it is my—ah!”
