Page 6 of Capacity
“You’ll do fine. I know some people at the urgent care clinic who’d love to have an experienced nurse practitioner on their team. There’s also an opening for a nursing director at the hospital if you want it.” Coco worked at the general hospital in town as head ER nurse. I had the same title when I worked in Texas. I didn’t want any more emergency room jobs though.
My mind immediately flashed back to the night Kaiden got killed. I pushed the horrible and gruesome images from my head before a scream found its way out of my throat. I was glad I’d opted to stay home because I couldn’t imagine fighting the fanged demons in my head while I was amongst the public. It was hard enough doing it with Coco and she was the person closest to me.
“No ER jobs,” I snapped, gripping the mug of tea in my hand.
“Got it. No ER jobs. That doesn’t stop you from doing urgent care or schools.” She aimed a pointed finger at me then stood. “I set up three interviews for you tomorrow. Find your laptop and have it out by the time I get back with wine.” She didn’t give me a choice in the matter but I was too exhausted to fuss back and forth with her anyway.
Once she left for the store, I took out my computer and opened it. I hadn’t touched it in months so it needed to charge. Once the battery had enough juice to start up, I turned it on and waited.
The air left my lungs when a picture of Kaiden and me popped up on the screen as my wallpaper. I was holding him in my lap and his hand was clutching mine with all the strength he could muster. Our smiles were bright and identical.
My sweet little boy. Before I knew it, my fingers were caressing the chubby curve of his cheek. He was only four in that picture but all the light in the world was harnessed in his brown pools. He could have gone on to be anything.
Evidently, he chose to be an angel.
No tears sprang to my eyes because I was beyond crying. I felt the blow in my chest though. My airway constricted against the force of it and for a full ten seconds, I couldn’t breathe.
I shut my eyes against Kaiden’s face and pushed out a staggered breath. I had to force air into my lungs or else I’d pass out. I hurried to open several windows on the laptop just to cover the image. My palms turned slick and my knee bounced up and down. I was wrought with the fear of seeing even a corner of Kaiden’s face right then.
I was already on thin ice mentally and spiritually. One wrong move would plunge me into an icy abyss and I knew I’d stay there this time. I had to push past the darkness.
After I read through my outdated resume, I called my mother to let her know I was settled. “I’m glad to hear it, Lumi. I’ll stop by in the morning and help you put things away. One of my friends has a living room set if you need it. She’s getting new furniture and…”
“Thank you so much, Mom. I’m going to get myself some furniture though,” I assured her. I didn’t bring my furniture from Texas because I wanted a new start. I knew it would be tough and I’d get knocked down over and over but I didn’t want to look at things that made me sad all day. It made no sense for me to leave my old house to avoid the painful memories if I was going to bring everything with me. So, I donated what I didn’t want and kept the things most important.
Like Kaiden’s Hot Wheels.
“Okay, baby. Let me know if you needed anything. I know you though, you’re stubborn and you won’t let me know anything.” Her voice was agitated. “Lumi promise me you won’t try to hurt yourself again. I know it seems simple but resisting help is a sign you still want to shoulder everything on your own.”
I paused not knowing what to say. She was right. I wet my dry lips and cleared my throat. “Promise me, Lumi,” she begged again.
“Mom, I can’t promise you that. I can barely see to put one foot in front of the other. I can only promise you a few minutes at a time because anything else would be a lie.”
“That’s fair. Just…let me know if you need help with anything and don’t push me away when I try to get close because sometimes getting close isn’t only for you.”
I nodded against the phone and said, “I hear you, Mom. I’m going to try.” My head was tight and heat blazed across the tops of my ears. I told her I would try. I didn’t lie to anyone, especially not my mother. It meant I would have to really try and find value in my life. A life without Kaiden didn’t have value in my eyes. I’d have to dig to find it.
Five minutes after I got off the phone with my mother, Coco came back with two bottles of wine and a box of crystal wine glasses. She held them up high like they were trophies. Inside I laughed but a smile wouldn’t crack my exterior no matter how much I willed it to.
“We’ll consider this your first house warming gift.” She smiled at me and I lifted my lips in what I hoped came across as a smile in return. “Okay…we’ll work on finding your smile again,” she sighed. “Lumi, have you been sitting in the same place ever since I left?” She frowned, moving into the kitchen.
“I got up to get the computer.” I shrugged.
“You have a whole new house. Walk around. Let’s get some ideas for decorating. What colors do you want?” The cork squeaked against the neck of the wine bottle as she opened it.
I stood up and looked around the small living room with a shrug she couldn’t see. The four walls were matte white and the hardwood floors were dull. To the right of the living room were stairs leading to the second level then a small stretch of hall before the dining room opened up. It was a rectangular space that would allow for a hutch and a dining room set but nothing else.
Waning sunlight poured into the living room from the bay window near the back door. I narrowed my eyes against the burst of golden light and said, “Yellow.”
“You want to do yellow?” Coco came around the corner holding two glasses of white wine filled to the rim. I had to dip my lips into the glass to sip some before it sloshed over my fingers.
“Are you trying to get me drunk?”
“Maybe a little. Now, about this yellow…” She tapped her finger on the side of her cheek and somehow managed to get me to focus on the cheery yellow and gray color scheme I’d picked out.
It was enough of a distraction to move me from one moment to the next without despair nipping at my heels. That’s exactly how Coco got me to hook up the TV and watch reruns of A Different World until my back was sore from sitting in those damn patio chairs. One distraction after another.
“Okay, Andrew sent me about ten texts so I guess it’s time for me to go home.” She eyed me before standing and stretching. I hated the look of silent worry in her eyes.
