Page 5 of Capacity
What if one of my students saw me? What if their parents did? How the fuck would I explain that?
Hey, I know you trust me with your child’s life daily but I’m an alcoholic who fucks teenagers.
Frustration pushed me to my feet and forced me to pace the space in front of my desk. The meeting started in forty-five minutes. I had plenty of time to get there but the torture of anyone finding out petrified me.
I shut my computer down and headed to the parking lot. I still hadn’t made a final decision. Once I was inside the car, I typed in the address to The Mystic Crystal downtown and started the engine.
I was going to go inside even if I didn’t speak. I’d at least sit there because the alternative was bleak. There was no sunshine at the other end of the spectrum. Only continuous darkness. Only sadness, mourning, and self-medication. If I didn’t pull myself from the sticky grasp of it all, who would?
…
CHAPTER 3
There was still a subtle ache in my wrists even one month after I slit them. I felt the thrum just below the surface of the pink scars marring my hazelnut skin. They stretched from the base of my hand up to the crease of my forearm. The nurses were shocked I hadn’t done severe nerve damage.
I had to go to physical therapy every week to work on regaining proper usage of my hands and fingers. Even though I was mostly healed on the outside, my tendons still tingled and prickled. Sometimes I couldn’t hold things as tightly as I wanted and it resulted in me dropping items more times than I’d like to admit.
I made the decision to move to Connecticut after I got out of the hospital so I could be closer to Mom and Coco. So I could start over and not steep in a houseful of memories but they came tumbling down at my feet anyway.
While I moved boxes in and out of my car with Coco’s help, one of them flew from my hands, crashing to the floor. The taped flaps of the box flew open and a few Hot Wheels cars rolled out, meeting my feet. I couldn’t pry my eyes away from their shiny colorful paint and the familiar clatter they made when they hit the floor.
My stomach became lead. That simple moment froze me with fear and grief. An ocean opened in the middle of the floor and swallowed me whole spitting out my bones.
My hands trembled as I knelt to pick up the cars and clutch them to my chest. Kaiden’s bright laughter spilled into the pockets of my mind and it forced my eyes shut. How was I supposed to live without him?
Silent tears stole down my face as I cursed whatever cruel twist of fate decided to take my only child from me.
“Hey girl,” Coco paused in the doorway of my new home and watched me. “Come on, let’s get this cleaned up.” She bent down and picked up the only box I’d kept with some of Kaiden’s things. I couldn’t get rid of his favorite Power Rangers blanket or his stuffed shark and I would never throw away his Hot Wheels. I parted with the clothes and shoes but some things held too much weight. Some things would sink the earth if I threw them out and they were collected in the box that fell from my hands.
“I miss him so much,” I exhaled, still not willing to let go of the cars.
“I know. I miss him too. You know he’d be all over this house in the first ten minutes,” she laughed.
A pained sound tore from me. It was something between a sob and a laugh. “He would have claimed his room and everything.” Mournful tears rolled down my chin and neck. I looked down at my hands clutching the cars then I caught a glimpse of my scars. Shame seared into me. White-hot and unforgiving.
I was still in a dark place but I wasn’t suicidal. Now, I was floating along trying to gather the pieces of myself that were broken and crumbled. It was like picking up dust.
“There’s only a few more boxes out here and we’re done for the day.” Coco gently took the Hot Wheels from my hands even though I didn’t want to let them go. She put them back in the box and carried it up the steps and out of my sight. If I’d stopped to go through the box like I wanted, I would have spiraled into sadness with no hope of crawling out.
We finished bringing the boxes in and sat down for a cup of tea. “Thank you for helping me with this move, Coco.” I didn’t have a couch yet but I did have patio chairs. We sat on them and propped our tired feet up on unopened boxes.
“Lumi, we’re sisters. It’s nothing. I figured once we passed the twenty-year mark we turned into family and stopped being friends. Friends is too loose of a word to use when I’m talking about you.” She rubbed the back of my hand and self-consciousness forced me to tug at my sleeve hiding my fresh scars.
“Sister or not you could’ve found something else to do on a Saturday other than move boxes.”
“It is Saturday isn’t it?” She chirped, lifting an eyebrow. “We shouldn’t be in the house. We should be out. Luke is spending the night with his friends and Andrew is working late so it’s just me and you.” She went on and on about this amazing wine bar in town,The Pour People, but all I could focus on was how blessed my friend was. She still had her son and she had a loving husband.
I had to push the ache of longing out of my heart. Coveting someone else’s life would lead to misery. Coco was my sister, I was happy for her. I just needed to find something to make me happy too.
“The wine bar sounds great, Co but I don’t feel like going out tonight. All this moving has me tired.” She eyed me skeptically for a while then sighed.
“Okay, I guess I can go to the store and pick up some wine. But you have to commit to going out with me at least once a week. I’m not going to let you sit in the house all day every day.”
“I know, Mom,” I groaned, rubbing the space between my brows.
“Tomorrow we’re going to go over the list of interviews and make sure your resume is on point.”
“I haven’t had to go on an interview in more than a decade. I already know this is going to be awkward.” Nerves rattled my hands.
