Page 7 of Capacity
“I’m not going to off myself when you leave. Something like that takes time and planning,” I told her before we hugged.
“Jeez, Lumi. I’m glad to hear you trying to crack jokes but that was a little dark.”
“Gotta start somewhere.”
“I guess you’re right. Call me if you need anything. Call me if you can’t sleep or if…”
“I got it, Cora.”
“Ooh, whole name. Time for me to leave.” She paused a few beats and held my hands in hers. The warmth emanating from them was soothing. “Please call if you need me. I’ll even listen to you breathe.”
“I will.” I gave her hands a squeeze before waving goodbye. I knew she would sit on the phone with me until we both fell asleep but she had a family and I couldn’t ask her to listen to me breathe because I was too afraid to close my eyes. I would do what I’d been doing for the past year. I’d leave the TV on so the background noise would give me an illusion of peace.
Once my new house was empty, I blew up my air mattress and dug out a blanket and pillows so I could settle in and watch television mindlessly while I ate chicken noodle soup. I knew when I dozed off I’d see Kaiden’s face. It was a cruel form of torture that I didn’t wish on anyone. It was a strange balance between happiness and sorrow.
Sure enough, once my eyes finally closed I saw my son. He was smiling at first, then he was screaming in pain. His face and neck were covered in blood. Then there was silence. I tried to run to him but my legs didn’t work the way they should have. I moved too slow. He vanished in a wisp of smoke before I could get to him.
I sat straight up on the wobbly mattress gasping for oxygen because it seemed like I was in a vacuum. I stumbled around the eerily illuminated living room, trying to make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water.
I hated how foreign this new house felt. I knew it would take time getting used to it but right then I was disoriented and confused. I kicked my toe on a heavy box and let a string of curse words rip from my mouth.
Something that simple made me feel worthless. I hated how easily manipulated I was by the poisonous voices in my head. I hated how quickly my resolve broke. Something as petty as kicking my toe on a box made me feel pointless and stupid.
I refused to cry over it though. I was tired of crying. I grabbed a bottle of water from the pack on the counter and chugged it. I was awake for the rest of the night. Nothing could lull me back to sleep.
…
Coco walked in using my spare key and plopped a stack of IKEA and Wayfair catalogs in front of me. “Hey, hey! I’m back. I brought these over so we can start getting ideas for your color scheme. I figured we can go between Pinterest and catalogs picking things out and making shopping lists.” I took the Wayfair catalog and flipped through it, glancing at the yellow pieces that caught my eye.
“How’d you sleep?” Coco sat in the patio chair beside me and pulled my laptop to her.
“I slept for a little while then woke up and couldn’t go to sleep again.” I shrugged at the common occurrence. She sighed deeply then glanced around the living room. Boxes lined the far side of the wall in neat towers that nearly touched the ceiling. Some of the shorter stacks had garment bags stuffed to the zipper with my clothes sitting on top of them.
“Okay, so today after we make a shopping list, we’ll go over your resume and then we’re unpacking some of these boxes.” Usually, I pushed back if Coco was being too bossy but lately, I relied on her strength because I had little to none of my own.
“That works.” I dog-eared a page with a comfy looking gray sofa. “Mom is coming by too so we’ll have more hands.”
“Perfect. Oh, and don’t think I forgot about dragging you to The Pour People with me.”
“Not tonight, Co. I’m not in the mood.”
“You’re never going to be in the mood. Let’s do it tomorrow. I know you’re tired from moving but you have no choice after your interviews tomorrow.” She tipped her nose in the air in a way that told me I couldn’t wiggle out of it. She was going to take me out whether I wanted her to or not.
I settled into the thought and resigned myself to spending at least an hour out with her because she was making such a huge effort to pull me outside my shell. I fought with my darker side the entire time she was at my house. The fight intensified when Mom came by.
I wanted to push everyone out of the front door so I could sit with my heartache. It was such a familiar friend. I was used to its jagged teeth and constricting bind. I came to rely on its steadfast poison. I drank it greedily for meals instead of actual nutrition.
I was addicted to the consistency of my pain.
At least it would never leave me. It might eat me alive without leaving so much as a strand of tendons, but it would never leave.
Even later that night, after Mom and Coco were long gone and in their comfy beds, heartache descended on me taking out chunks of my ribcage since it had already consumed the organ that used to beat in my chest. I let the agony wash over me until it sucked all my energy. Then and only then did I pass out from pure exhaustion.
…
CHAPTER 4
A fucking bar.
