Page 42 of Wicked Games We Play
Her eyes welled with unshed tears and I removed my hand from her mouth, brushing my knuckles along her cheek.
“I’m lost Noah, I feel so lost and like I’m drowning and can’t tread the water. I’m not hiding behind insecurities—I truly feel like I don’t know who I am, what I’m doing in life, or what I want.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but this time, she cut my words off.
“No, Noah, shut up for a second.”
My mouth fell open at how brash she was, so un-Lily like, and I couldn’t decide whether to be turned on or pissed off. Nobody spoke to me like that. I shocked myself by staying quiet, eyes trained on hers as I waited for her next words. The look in her eye and the tone of her voice had me on edge, and my heart plummeted with the fear that maybe she would walk away for good.
“I have no idea what I want,” she whispered, speaking slowly as if she was hearing herself say this for the first time.
I looked at my feet, a boyish feeling coursing through my body and suddenly I was seventeen again, feeling the impending rejection.
“I only know that I need you. I’ve made up my mind. Noah, I need you in my life. Without you, life is dark and dull. The last several days have been absolute hell; watching you walk away nearly killed me. Thinking that you were gone for good—”
I stepped toward her, my hand reaching out to grab hers as I yanked her into my body so that hers was flush with mine. “Oh, my Flower, you still don’t get it, do you?” I whispered in her ear, my nose brushing its velvet curve.
She shook her head as her arms reached up and clasped behind my neck. “I’ve always been here. I never left. Not then, not now, not ever.”
“You say that now…”
“Have I ever gone back on my word, Lily?” I growled into her neck, my teeth raking against the soft flesh. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I held her close while my heart pounded.
I was dreading telling her about what was going on at work, about my undercover assignment. It would make or break us, but she needed the distance to make a clear decision. She could stand here and tell me she missed me and was ready for this, but every fiber of my being knew that she needed the space.
I hated it.
Iabsolutelyfucking hated the thought of leaving her and giving her that time, but it was for the best. It was only three months, maybe four. But I still couldn’t push away the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought that, at the end of those months away, she may not be here waiting for me. The idea made me want to put my fist through a wall.
Inhaling deeply to calm my thoughts, I pressed a kiss to the curve between her neck and shoulder before peppering a trail of kisses up to her earlobe. I took it between my teeth and bit down lightly, closing my eyes as I mustered the courage to break the news. My voice was barely above a whisper when I finally did open my mouth to speak. “Lily, there’s something I need to tell you.”
She tensed in my arms and I moved my hands to grip her waist, taking a step back to look into her eyes. “It’s been two weeks, Flower, and while I absolutely love the fact that you’re here and you’re telling me literally everything I’ve been waiting to hear since I was a teenager.” I stopped, pulling my left hand to rake down my face. My stomach was rolling. The confidence I had before this moment had completely vanished.Fuck. “You need more time. You’ve fought me every step of the way throughout our… time together. I know you need more time. You just said you still felt like you were lost and drowning, and that breaks my heart.”
Confusion danced across her face, her brows furrowing so deeply. “I just told you I’ve made up my mind, Noah. I want to be with you.”
“That’s my point, Lily. I don’t want you to make up your mind. If you have to go back and forth on the decision, it’s not a decision you’re ready to make.”
She took a step back from me and covered her chest with her arms. She looked as broken in that moment as I felt inside.
I waited so long for her to choose me, but nothing about this felt like she was choosing me. Feeling like a complete coward, I cast my eyes downward, but I couldn’t look at her when I said this. It was splitting me in two just thinking about her potential reactions.
“Lils, my chief asked me to go undercover in Bridge Point for the next three months, or possibly longer, and I accepted the assignment. I leave at the end of this week.” I blew out a giant breath and tucked my hands into my front pockets before looking at her face.
A cluster of tears lined the bottom of her eyes, threatening to spill over the edge of her lashes, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit. Was I making the wrong choice? Lily was finally saying she wanted to be with me,reallybe with me, and I could ruin everything right now.
She tried to banish her tears, wiping them away with a quick movement, trying to hide the pain I just caused. My insides crumbled and time moved in slow motion, emotion hanging thick between us as we stood on my front porch.
The sun moved beneath the tree line, darkening the sky. The breeze picked up and with the sun almost down it felt cooler than it had just minutes ago. I watched goosebumps pebble Lily’s arms, and she rubbed them slightly while keeping her arms crossed. I reached out and rubbed my hand along her arm lazily before I tugged her toward me.
“Noah…” she began but stopped as she directed her gaze to the floor.
I wanted to take it back. Tell her I would call the chief and tell him I couldn’t go. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and lose myself in her body. In her soul. I wanted to give hereverything, but instead I felt like I was taking away what I had just been given.
CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT
Astrangled gasp escaped my throat when Noah lifted me by my thighs, guiding my legs around his waist as his lips collided with mine. My body was on sensory overload between his words and his touch, and I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to laugh or cry.
He was kissing me like it might be the last time, and the thought absolutely terrified me. My mind was playing catch up, still processing what he had just told me. I had spilled my guts and told him I was ready for him, yet he somehow managed to piss me off and break my heart immediately after.
