Page 41 of Wicked Games We Play
Me.
Me.
Me.
This was all because of me.
My eyes were no longer blurred to the cold, hard truth, and I could see clearly now the root of every single bout of uncertainty and jealousy. All because I wasn’t ready to admit the same thing that I desperately forced myself not to admit all those years ago.
He owned my mind, body, and soul. I loved him fiercely, and it was absolutely terrifying, so I pushed it deep down and refused to let myself admit it. Refused to let myself feel it.
Since childhood, the only thing that I had ever wanted was an earth-shattering love like the one I witnessed daily with my parents. When I began my relationship with Jordan’s dad, I had been so desperate for a love like theirs that I turned into a needy girlfriend, offering him every piece of me, hoping it would make him stay. It wasn’t until I met Noah at a party that I realized maybe Ryder and I didn’t have the all-consuming love that I had created in my head. There was something between me and Noah I couldn’t explain. A tangible feeling that zipped through my core every time I merely thought of him. It was a feeling I had wanted to explore so badly, but the opportunity had been ripped away.
And then I had Jordan, and I uncovered a new feeling of love that I had never experienced. True, unconditional love.
“Mom?”
I flinched when the sound of his voice pulled me from my thoughts again. “Yeah, baby?” I asked.
“I really like it when you smile,” he told me before he turned his attention back to the controller in his hand.
The tears began to flow before I fully made it out of his room and down the hallway to mine. If I thought my heart had been in a million pieces before, it was nothing compared to what it was now. Turning on my shower, I slipped inside and shut myself in the confines of the glass before I let the sobs overtake my body again. I would allow myself five minutes to break down before I picked up the pieces again and put on a happy, smiling face for my son while I took him out for pizza. I could pretend that everything was okay, if only for a little while.
And tonight, once we returned home and Jordan was asleep, I would sort through the mess I had created and figure out my next steps. Because if anything was clear to me now, it was that I needed to get Noah back. I needed to beg him for forgiveness and ask him for just a little more time before I committed myself to him. I just needed a little time, while also needing to know that he wasn’t going anywhere. Selfish as it may be, I could now see that I needed to sort through my toxicity and make sure I could fully love myself before I let him love me.
Right now, I didn’t feel like there was much to love, given all the damage I had done to myself and him.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel a bitter anger run through my veins that Noah had told me repeatedly that he would wait as long as it took, and then he simply walked away as if it were the easiest thing in the world. No calls, no text messages, and seemingly no regrets.
So while I intended to go fight for him, I wouldn’t let him off the hook that easily since he hadn’t fought for me. I would take a few more days, devise a plan, regroup, and go in swinging. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
If Noah thought he could walk away that easily, he had another thing coming. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet, not when we had just barely begun.
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
The sound of tires on my gravel driveway had my heart twitching in my chest as I took another pull of my beer, letting the bottle hide the smirk that played on my lips. It had been just under two miserable, long weeks that I hadn’t heard from her. Despite that, I raged a war on myself daily; I hadn’t called, texted, or so much as done a drive by while on duty, knowing that if,when, Lily came back to me, it had to be on her terms. She had been the one to get us into this mess; it was only fair that I let her get us out of it. I had known from the time I was seventeen years old that she was destined to be mine. It just took her longer to figure that out for herself.
Every day had been excruciating. By the second week, I doubted my plan and worried I had made a huge mistake. I was prepared to crawl back on my hands and knees if we made it into a week three.
But, I knew her. I knew she needed time to figure herself out and rediscover who she was and who she wanted to be. But under the surface, she was still the same girl I had fallen for all those years ago.
I knew her, despite her thinking that she didn’t even know herself enough for anyone else to know her. I could recite all the small facts about her, such as her love of interior design and wanting to own her own home decor boutique. How she loathed the very flower she was named after. I loved the fact that she kept a Ziplock bag of dry Froot Loops in her purse and snuck a couple when she thought no one was watching. I hated the fact that she has crippling low self-esteem with her body. I absolutely love her body. The unconditional love that she shows her son awakens a need inside of me to become a father myself, and for her to be their mother. She evokes emotion in me I never knew I could feel, and though she constantly pushes me away, we’re two pieces of the same puzzle—a perfect fit.
My tongue ran slowly along my bottom lip as I watched her climb out of her car in a blue dress that hugged her curves. Her black framed sunglasses covered her face as the wind whipped her hair around wildly. I didn’t dare take my eyes off of her as she stalked toward me, her brows knitted together like a woman on a mission. She pointed her manicured finger at me as she stepped up each stair of my porch.
“You didn’t even fight for me, Noah. You were all too okay with walking away, and you didn’t stay and fight,” she spit, anger seeping from her as she shifted her sunglasses off of her eyes and situated them on the crown of her head.
“Hello to you too, Lily.” I chuckled and took another pull of my beer. She stood in front of me with her hand on her hips, glaring at me like these past two weeks had been my fault. “Took you long enough.”
“Took me long enough? You walked away from me, Noah! You sat there and fed me lies about how you’ve been waiting for me and would always wait for me, yet despite knowing that I still needed time, you walked away.”
I exhaled, mentally readying myself for an argument. “Oh Lils, can’t you see how incredibly wrong you are? I fought for you every single day. You just weren’t there to see it.” My eyes dropped to her mouth, and I wanted nothing more than to stand and close the distance between us. But I wasn’t done. “You needed to learn how to be on your own, and you needed to realize that I was always there in the shadows. I wasalwayswaiting for you. I’ve fought for you every single day since I was a teenager, even when you didn’t think I was. The thing is, Lily, you haven’t been fighting for yourself.”
Standing, I moved toward her, needing to be closer.
“I—” she started, but I cut off her words by placing my hand over her lips. She looked up at me with her crystal blue eyes, the fire behind them already fading. She looked every bit as exasperated as I felt.
“You’ve been telling yourself that you needed to learn who you are, that you need to rediscover yourself aside from being a mom and being in a relationship. But Lily, you’ve known all along. We both know that you’ve been using that as an excuse to hide behind your insecurities. This entire time the only thing you needed was to believe in yourself, the way I’ve always believed in you.”
