Page 20 of The Reality of Wanting Him

I think that last thought is the most concerning, like maybe I’ve made up this entire layered, kind, funny person in my head, but when we actually meet, they’ll just revert back to only talking about football.

The possibility of leaving here single, and having to return to dating apps as my only way to meet people—dealing with awkward first dates and meaningless small talk—that’s the scariest thought of all. I can’t ever do that again. If that’s my future, I’d rather give up on dating altogether.

This experience has been so much better than I’d dare to hope for before coming. And after making this connection with B—feeling like I might have found a real partner, picturing what it would be like to have them back on the farm with me—I can’tbear the thought of having to start over with someone else if it does end up falling apart.

I also don’t want to convince myself to settle for someone I don’t actually care about just to avoid being alone. So as much as it really is BB or bust for me, I know there’s still a very real possibility I could be going home alone if the connection changes after we meet.

All of this back and forth as I try to manage my expectations of what could happen with what I'm hoping will happen, is only stressing me out more.I have a good feeling about BB, and I should focus on that.I want to keep dating them, to see where it could lead.

I text JR to help calm my nerves since I know they’re in a similar situation.

LM

On a scale of “mild anxiety” to “full blown freak out” how stressed are you about tonight?

JR

LOL, full blown panic. Who knew only leaving one person as your top pick would be so nerve-wracking.

LM

We definitely should have thought of that sooner. Not that I had any other options I actually liked haha. I really don’t want to leave here alone. I can’t fathom the thought of dating again outside of this experience.

JR

I’m right there with you. At least we formed a solid friendship out of this, right? But from what it sounds like on your end, BB is likely to pick you too.

LM

I really, really hope so. How are things with KD?

JR

Good! I think we’ve built a really strong connection, it’s almost like I’ve known them for years instead of a few days. But then again, it’s my ONLY connection so I hope they feel it as strongly as I do.

LM

I get that. That’s how it is with BB for me. I didn’t expect it at all, but now I can’t imagine leaving here without them.

JR

I feel the same way. Although, KD has been in my top since the beginning, unlike BB for you, haha. But it’s terrifying not knowing for sure if you’ll be picked and if they feel the same way about us that we feel about them.

LM

Here’s to hoping for double dates in the future! Keep me updated on how it goes. I want to know everything.

JR

Same to you!

I put my phone down after that last message.

I meant what I said—I really do hope we both leave here engaged. And not just because I don’t want to leave alone, but because I don’t want to leave without BB.

I don’t know exactly when the casual dates turned into something real, but I feel it now. It’s different with B.

Every time I talk to them, the rest of this ridiculous experiment fades into the background. I don’t think about the cameras, the producers, the pressure to find someone. It’s just them. They’re all I care about.

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