Page 19 of The Reality of Wanting Him

“Not exactly. I really enjoy being artistic and creative, but I don’t have nearly enough time to make what I’d like to. I love to make things out of wood. My dad and I built a lot of the furniture that’s in my house actually. Now, I mostly make or refurbish wood furniture to sell. It helps us in the winter.”

“That’s so cool! I love those videos of people flipping oldfurniture to make it pretty. I’m not sure how they ended up on my For You page the first time, but I’m glad they did,” I tell them, picturing all the girls I’ve seen painting old dressers to make them look like new. I wish I knew what L looks like so I could picture them instead. Every time I try, they have a different hair color, height, or build. After all our conversations, I’m fairly certain we’re similar ages, but their actual looks remain a complete mystery.It's also kind of fun not knowing for sure.I’ve gotten pretty good at using the gender-neutral wording for everything so I don’t mess up the show, but I still can’t help picturing the other contestants I’m talking to as women because that’s all I’ve ever known, even if I don’t know any specifics of their looks beyond that.

“And that’s super impressive that you built your own furniture. I don’t think I’ve ever owned a toolbox. You should totally build that mansion for your chickens.”

“That’s not a bad idea. For now, though, I thought watching the same instructional painting video could be fun. The producers agreed to exchange our artwork, too, if you want, so I could get yours and you’d get mine when they’re done.”

“Um, yes, please. I love that idea,” I respond, already opening my paint.

“The producers said they’ll start our videos at the same time whenever I send them a message so that they’re synced up, and it won’t mess up the audio in the footage of our date. Ready for me to text them?” L asks, and I agree.

It’s not a super long video, but the person instructs us on how to paint the background first, eventually adding in colors that turn into mountains and trees around a lake. Or at least that’s what it’s meant to be. “I think mine might be a little more abstract than they intended,” I warn L, making them laugh.

We wrap up the paintings and set them aside. I can’t wait to see what L’s looks like compared to mine.

“So, why puzzles?” they ask, and I’m glad someone finally thought to.

“My older siblings and I used to do them when we were growing up. I’m the youngest by about five years, and I always wanted to join in on whatever they were doing. Usually they acted like they were too cool for me, but our grandparents would bring over puzzles for us whenever they visited, and my siblings couldn’t argue that I couldn’t participate when it was a shared gift. It was my job to sort the pieces by their color, and if they were on the edge, and they would work on the actual picture, but I always loved getting to do that with them. I haven’t touched a puzzle in probably fifteen years, but for some reason, it was the first thing I thought of when it was time to plan a date.”

“I love that, I’m glad we get to do it together now,” L responds.

I’m suddenly wishing that I had only brought the puzzles toourdate, to share this with only L. Then again, seeing how the contestants reacted so differently to the same thingdidhelp me see where I’m at with each of them. “I know that you don’t have any siblings, but do you think you’ll want kids someday?” I ask.

“Oh, uh… yeah. It seems like a kind of faraway dream right now, but I’ve always pictured having my own kids to pass the farm down to one day. What about you?”

“I don’t have a farm to pass down,” I tease. “But yeah, I would like to have kids. I’ve thought a lot about what I’d do differently than my parents, and I hope to have that opportunity one day.”

“Like what?” L asks.

I can’t help but smile at their reply, the way they obviously want to know the little details that make me,me.“Like…”What do I say that won’t make my parents sound like complete assholes on television? “Like, I was always jealous of the kids whose parents coached their teams, and as much as I loved most of the activities I did, I would put less pressure on my own kids.I think having a good time should be more important than winning or being the best,” I explain.

“I think you’ll make a great parent one day,” L replies easily, and my throat closes up a bit.What the fuck? Am I about to cry?

“Thanks. You too, L,” I manage to choke out.

We move on to lighter topics as we finish off our puzzle. As we go on, we get more and more competitive about who will finish first. It's kind of silly when either of us could claim to be done at any time,but we’re both laughing and having a great time. I finish before L says they’re done, but I decide to let them have the win and pretend like they beat me. I’ve had another great date with them, and that’s what actually matters to me.

Picking my top two at the end of the night is easy. I have a brief moment of panic while I’m waiting to get back the results, and I realize how invested I’ve become in my relationships in such a short amount of time.Or at least, one of the relationships.Luckily, it isn’t too long before LM and RR both confirm me as one of their top two as well.

This process might be fast, but I’m feeling great about where I’m at. Two more days, and hopefully I’ll be meeting my future spouse in person. I truly don’t care what they look like, I know that we’ll be starting the next chapter of our relationship as a stronger couple than I ever was with any of my previous girlfriends, and I can’t wait.

12

LIAM

Producer:Is there anything about this process that concerns you?

Liam:Um, I guess my biggest concern would be that I find someone I want to be with, and they don’t want to move to my farm. I’ve tried to set the expectation with everyone I’ve talked to that the farm is my future, but thinking you could live somewhere is different than seeing it.

The last few days have been a lot, and I’m so grateful I decided to keep an open mind—especially considering the fact that my only interest now is in BB.Yup, the disastrous first date, wasn’t-even-in-my-top-ten, is now theonlyone I’m interested in.

I’ve put all my mental energy into making sure I’m confident in who I still want to be dating. I’ve slowly ended my other connections one by one. All RL wanted to talk about was photography. Which is fine, I get it, that’s their thing. But when every conversation circles back to camera settings, lighting techniques, and the philosophy of capturing a moment, I startedchecking out. I’m happy they’re passionate, but I don’t think I need to spend my life hearing about cameras and photography.

Then there was AP who was great, and I did like them, but as time passed, our connection started to feel like it was fading. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found someone they connected with more, and I can’t be mad about that. That’s what this whole thing is about—finding the person who really fits—and I wasn’t going to keep forcing something that wasn’t what either of us really wanted.

The only other person I’ve really connected with is JR, but we both agreed it was completely platonic. From the beginning, talking with them has felt like an easy, no-pressure friendship. We even agreed to keep each other in our top two for emotional support. I’ve loved having someone I could just talk to openly while here since I couldn’t talk to my dad or my friends back home.

Which leaves BB as my other top-two choice. Myonlyromantic focus, and that’s absolutely terrifying.What if they don’t pick me? What if I’m feeling this connection so much stronger than they are? What if I meet them in person and end up feeling the same way I did about them on our first date?

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