Page 74 of The Reality of Wanting Him

Liam started talking to a therapist pretty soon after I got here. It’s so cool that you can do that over a video call. I had no idea. He told me that he wanted to work on himself a bit more before he was ready to be in a relationship again. It sounded like a great idea to me—I can use all of the help I can get—so I asked for the details and have been talking to a different therapist in the same practice as well.

My therapist and I have been talking a lot about my parents, and they obviously know all about my situation with Liam. They’ve been giving me tools for healthy communication and other things that I never saw modeled growing up. While we haven’t progressed our relationship yet beyond friendship, I’m hoping I’ll be able to be a better partner to Liam, because he deserves nothing but the best.

I have to constantly remind myself that even though I’m madly in love with him, Liam still needs more time. He’s been honest from the start—he wants to make sure he’s not carrying old wounds into something that could actually last. We’ve talked a lot about trust and communication, and how hard it is to believe you’re chosen when your past made you feel like a placeholder. He’s working on unlearning the story that love always comes at someone else’s expense or that he’s just someone’s experiment. I know it’s not about me—he needs to believe he’s enough. But I also know I want to be the one he fully lets in when he’s ready.

I can’t touch him like I want to, and I shouldn’t be telling him how good his worn jeans make his ass look,but damn. Every time he repairs something, I want to drop to my knees and show him just how impressed I am by all the hard work he puts in around here.

But we’re not there yet. Hopefully, we will be soon, and we’ll have years and years together for him to teach me everything he knows. I’m hoping we’ll just look back at this time as a short hurdle we overcame in our life together by bothworking on ourselves while still choosing to stand by each other. But for now, I’m appreciating him from a polite distance.

The flirting, though, I’m not as good with filtering. I can’t even help it; sometimes the words just slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve accidentally called him “L,” or “babe,” but I’m always quick to apologize.

Luckily, Liam hasn’t seemed to mind too much. The first few times it happened, he froze, clearly unsure how to respond. But as the days have gone on, I think he understands now that I’m not trying to push him, and that it’s just a knee-jerk reaction I’m struggling to control. When he was over at Wyatt’s place last night, cooking dinner, explaining to me the best way to prepare the soup he was making, I’d accidentally said “thanks, babe,” as he handed me the spoon to try some and he just shook his head, laughing while obviously fighting a smile.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up that it means I’m winning him over again. I meant what I said about giving him time. But I also really wish that time involved some cuddling.Friends can totally cuddle, right?

It’s May now, and we’ve already been busy planting some of the early crops. The last frost seems to have passed, so Liam and Wyatt have been talking about planting the rest of the summer vegetables shortly. We’ve also been talking a lot about the farm plans, and I’m so grateful they’ve included me in their conversations. It took some convincing, but Liam agreed to let me fund the upgrades we've been making. The barn that we’ve been renovating to house the future animals is almost ready, and I can’t wait to get more. We’ve been putting in a lot of time designing the layout for their land to optimize every space for this new venture, while also keeping the option open to add more later on if it ends up being popular. We’re only about three hours northwest of the city, so we think plenty of people will make the triphere if we have enough for them to do, not to mention all the people who live closer than that.

The show has also been doing a lot of advertising in the last few weeks to prepare for its release, and we’re hoping that if it ends up being popular, we can use that attention to attract more visitors. Both Liam and I have already seen an increase in followers on our social media just from the promos that have been running, so hopefully people will like us on the show enough to want to come see the farm.

I’m nervous to finally watch the premiere tonight. In a lot of ways, I feel like a totally different person than I was when we began filming, and I don’t know that I want to see the reminder of how I used to be.

Liam agreed to watch it with me and even invited me over to his place. I can’t help but feel like we’re on a date. He’s popping some popcorn for us now while I pull up the first episode, and I love how domestic this is. I can almost pretend like we’re still together and this is just a normal night for us as a couple in our home. Pretend that I won’t have to walk across the field to his dad’s house in a few hours.

I’m dreading having him see how confident I was that he was a woman, but at least that part isn’t a secret. I’m hoping we can laugh off how big of an idiot I was, and that maybe when we get to the later episodes, he can watch me fall in love with him all over again, and it’ll help him to forgive me.

“This is going to be so strange to watch,” Liam says as he sits on the other end of the couch, placing the popcorn bowl between us.

“Yeah, are you ready to watch me make a fool out of myself for the entire world to see?” I joke.

“Don’t be so dramatic.” He rolls his eyes, smirking at me before adding, “It’s a national show, so only people in America will get to see you embarrass yourself.”

I burst out laughing, loving that he’s comfortable enough totease me again. “Alright, here goes nothing.” I hit play on the first episode and Andy’s dazzling smile fills the screen as he gives a short rundown of the show’s premise and structure. Before I know it, they’re playing the interviews from that first day to introduce all the contestants, and we’re touring our rainbow apartments.

The episodes are an hour long, and they’ve released the first four tonight. I really hope Liam is up for watching them all, because I know I’ll be too focused on what’s out there already to get any sleep without seeing it for myself.

“I can’t believe how confident I was that I was straight,” I comment when they show my interview about what I’m looking for in my ideal partner.

“Yeah, you swallowed my cock pretty quickly, straight boy,” Liam responds conversationally. He obviously wasn’t trying to flirt or taunt me with that remark—I know his growly tone for those sorts of comments well, and that certainly wasn’t it. His eyes are wide as he looks at me, though. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying?—”

“It’s fine, Liam. I know you weren’t,” I assure him, reaching over to give his knee a friendly squeeze.

Liam’s intro is so sweet and wholesome, far more grounded and thoughtful than mine. I wish that I could go back in time and give that man the happy ending on the show he deserved, but I’m not giving up, and I really do think we’ll get there. I mean, I’m still here after all. He hasn’t kicked me out yet. Maybe we’ll be closer to it for the reunion episode they’re planning to shoot after the entire show has aired in a few weeks.

The rest of the episode establishes the cast and shows the first round of speed dating. “Did I really only talk about football? How did I ever land another date with you?” I’m joking around, but Liam has a guilty expression when I glance at him. “What’s wrong? Why do you look as guilty as I did when I had to tell you I let the chickens into the main house?”

“I don’t know if I should tell you or if watching it will be better…” he trails off and I look back at the screen, considering what he could possibly look so worried about.

“Eh, I’ll wait and watch it,” I decide, figuring he can always add details that were edited out if he needs to, but I’m too eager to see it to stop for him to warn me about something I’ll end up watching soon anyway.

They only show a few more clips from those first blind dates. Apparently, our date was entertaining and bad enough for them to actually include,but obviously a lot of those were cut in the editing stage of the show. Then they show us all learning about the ranking system, where we choose who we want to continue to see in the next round.

And Liam.

Doesn’t.

Pick me.

I’m not on his list,at all.

---