Page 75 of The Reality of Wanting Him
Ten spots and my name doesn’t fillone.
I can’t help it, I burst out in uncontrollable laughter. After watching our first date back, it’s no wonder he didn’t want to keep talking to me. Obviously, he’ll reconsider and add me back onto his list after I put him at the top of mine, but the fact that I was so confident about him from the get-go, and he didn’t even have me on there at all, is so fucking funny to me.
There were so many things that could have gone differently, and we wouldn’t have ended up here. One or both of us not going on the show. If Liam had refused to reconsider me. If I had put him lower on my list so he didn’t even have that option. One of us could have had a different conversation with another contestant and ended up chasing a different connection.
But none of that happened, and here we are, watching our love story unfold. Even if we aren’t at our happily ever after yet, I truly believe that’s still where we’re headed, and I love all the little things that went right along the way.
“You’re not pissed I didn’t rank you?” Liam hesitantly asks.
I try to calm down, looking his way to give him my full attention as I answer. “Definitely not, it’s fucking hilarious. After that disaster of a first date, no one could blame you. I was so confident that we were having a great two-sided conversation, and you were clearly not enjoying yourself. I’m sorry that I was so focused on myself then. Hopefully you agree that I’ve changed quite a bit since we started filming.” I know I’m fishing for his praise, but I can’t help it.
“Yeah, Blake, I can definitely agree to that,” he says with a soft smile that makes my heart race, then his expression grows more serious. “I’m sorry I never told you about that.”
I shake my head gently. “I appreciate you saying that, but honestly? Don’t worry about it. Just another weird little piece of the puzzle that makes up our story, right?”
“Right,” he confirms, that softer smile back in place.
I pry my gaze away from his handsome features to focus back on the show. I’m gripping the arm of the chair to stop myself from climbing into his lap as I remind myself over and over again that I’m giving him time and space. I need to be good for him, and right now, that means respecting boundaries.
But, fuck, if it isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
34
LIAM
Ididn’t realize how emotional it would be to sit here with Blake and watch our love story play out from the beginning.
With everything else we’ve had going on, I kind of forgot about not picking him in that first ranking. I realize I could’ve told him on the show, but the reason I didn’t wasn’t because I was hiding something, per say, it was because I was trying to protect his feelings.
I didn’t want him to feel… like… a backup option.
Oh.
Fuck.
Kind of like how Blake didn’t tell me about the ultimatum.
I know he explained himself already and made it crystal clear he wasn’t trying to deceive me or lie to me; he was trying to protect me because the money didn’t matter. My therapist and I have talked about it extensively.
Still, I felt so blindsided at the time that it was hard not to question his sincerity. If I hadn’t been carrying the weight of that past relationship trauma, I probably wouldn’t have reacted so strongly.
I know Blake, though, and regardless of the fact that he kept the ultimatum from me, he isn’t a manipulative person. He didn’t mention it because he didn’t want me questioning his motivation for being with me. Because he actually does love me. Just like I love him, even if I didn’t tell him I didn’t initially choose him.
I’d been so wrapped up in my own pain, so tangled in my past, that I couldn’t see it for what it really was. Just as my initial ranking of him made no difference once I got to know him, the ultimatum didn’t matter when he got to know me.
I never thought watching our experience back on the TV would stir up so many emotions, but it definitely is. Not only everything between us, but seeing Blake connect with Rachel through the beginning rounds is more painful than I anticipated.
I glance over at him, and he’s completely unaware of the revelations I’m having as he watches the show. I do feel like I’m in a much better headspace personally than I was when he first showed up here. My therapist has been helping me to give less power to my own self-doubts and anxieties. I’ve been feeling more and more ready to start working on things with Blake again, but I’ve been afraid to make that final leap.Maybe I am finally ready to close this gap between us.
Sitting on the couch with a whole cushion of space between us feels wrong. All I want to do is reach for him—pull him against me, press my lips to his temple, to his lips, hold him in a way that tells him just how much I’ve missed him. Because this distance feels wrong. I want him curled against me, his head on my chest while I run my fingers through his thick blond hair.
This must be so hard for Blake, too.He always wanted to be touching and as close as possible. He likes knowing he’s wanted, and I love giving him that through physical connection.
But I don’t move yet. I need to make sure I’m ready for this, because once I go back, everything changes.
Instead, I watch the show and our past selves on the screen—the two idiots who didn’t know they were about to fall in love.Blake isn’t the same person who walked into this experiment thinking he was straight and only caring about money. The man sitting next to me has grown so much. He’s fought for me and continues to prove himself every day.Just like he said he would.
And I do trust him.
