Page 73 of The Reality of Wanting Him
He looks away, suddenly nervous about his admission. “I know you, Liam. I knew I would need to earn your trust back,and I don’t think I can do that from the city. Plus, I didn’t want to be away from the farm any longer than I had to be. So, I’ve been talking to your dad and he agreed to let me stay with him.”
“You’re serious?”
“Dead serious,” he says, eyes locked on mine. “I want to prove to you that I still want the future we were planning. Even if we never get married, I don’t care. I want to get back what we had. As long as I get to be with you. That’s the only thing in the world I truly care about.”
My mind is all over the place, I didn’t expect any of this. “Blake?—”
“I love you,” he interrupts. “I loveyou, and I don’t care how long it takes. You’re worth waiting for, and I’ll be here whenever you’re ready. I’ll prove it to you every day just how much I love you.”
I do believe him, but trust isn’t something that instantly returns after an apology—even one this big and sincere. He seems to understand that, though, I can’t believe he’s already coordinated staying with my dad.I wonder how much groveling he had to do there.
“Wait, is Lucky here too?”
“Yeah, your dad instantly bonded with her. They’re probably still cuddled up on his couch. I’ve done a lot of research on how to introduce dogs to chickens, and it needs to be a slow process, so he promised to keep her inside.”
Well, that’s fucking adorable. As impressed as I am by his gesture, and as much as I know my heart is already opening itself up to him again, I also know that I need to give myself the time he’s offering. I need to do this, both for me, and to give us any real chance. My emotions have really been through the wringer these last few days, and I know I’m still holding on to some hurt and hesitation over what happened. I need to be sure I can truly and completely forgive him, or it might end up causing problems for us down the line.
“I don’t know how long it will take,” I admit. “This has brought up a lot of shit from my past I thought I’d already dealt with. I went to therapy and everything, but I guess it was deeper than I realized.”
Blake nods and reaches out a hand to take mine in his. It’s not a tight grip, more so a gesture to let me know he’s here to listen and support me. “If you want to talk, I want to listen.”
I hesitate, but remind myself he deserves to know. He just bared his soul to me, and if we’re going to make this work, I can offer him the same in return. Clearing my throat, I give his hand a little squeeze and offer a small smile. “I was with this guy in college who made me think I was his future. It was nothing likethis”—I gesture between us—“not even close. But for being that young, it felt real. Turns out, I was naive to think that, because he was still long-distance dating his high school girlfriend the entire time. I walked in on them having sex and was shocked to find out I was the other guy.”
Blake lets out a groan and his face turns red as his grip on my hand tightens a little. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he practically growls.
“I wish I was.” I shake my head. “I felt like the biggest idiot. Like I should haveknownthat I was just an experiment to him while he was living another life, the one he actually wanted to be living. He ended up marrying her, and I was left with a lot of healing to do around being someone’s second choice and experiment. It’s part of why honesty is so important to me because that situation was so shocking. He also really liked football and sports. I spent a lot of time trying to be enough for him, and it turns out no matter what I did, it never would’ve mattered.”
As much as I don’t want to hurt Blake, I need to get the next part out. He said total honesty, and I need to show him that same level of respect. “That’s how I felt when your mom told me about the ultimatum, Blake, and even more so when you couldn’t deny that you’d hidden it from me. Like I was a convenientexperiment to you while you earned the money you were really after. It felt like walking in on them all over again. It seemed like once you married me, you’d secure your wealth and could move on with your straight-guy life, forgetting all about me.”
“No. Never, Liam. My straight-guy life is so over. I want my future to be you and only you.” He steps forward, cradling my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his hazel eyes that are welling up with tears. “You’re it for me, babe. There is no moving on. You’re not convenient, you never were. You’re my person. Theonlyperson I want to spend my life with. My mom is a selfish asshole who cares way more about her image than she ever has about her own children, and I’m sorry I didn’t protect you from her hate. I’m so sorry she made you doubt yourself, and us, and I promise, you never have to see her again.”
I simply nod.
“Thank you for telling me,” he says as he pulls our foreheads together.
“I’m sorry, Blake. I’m sorry for not having more of a conversation before leaving. I just needed to get out of there, and hearing that it was true hurt so much. I still need time, though,” I remind him, pulling back even though there’s a part of me that never wants to let go. “I need to make sure we’re in a good place before we can move forward so there’s no tension or resentment that comes up in the future, but know I still care about you, and I still love you.”
“I know,” he assures. “And I’ll give you as much time as you need. But I’m not going anywhere. Unless youexplicitlytell me to leave. I’m not trying to force myself on you if you really want to be done. I promise to respect you if you tell me to go. I’m just trying to show you how much you mean to me, and to continue to choose you. If I ever earn the right to wear this again, I’ll be honored.”
He takes my hand, carefully placing my father’s ring, the ring I gave him,in my palm before gently closing my fist aroundit. Then he leaves a soft kiss on my forehead before turning to walk out the door.
I’m still kind of in shock over what just happened, over how much might have changed in that one conversation.
I want to be with him, desperately. But I also know I need to work on my own issues before I can fully forgive him, and before we can have any shot at a future where a part of me doesn’t still resent him and everything that happened.
But it looks like we have time to do that now, so let’s see how this goes.
33
BLAKE
I’ve learneda lotabout farming from Wyatt and Liam over the last few weeks. Lucky has settled in even better than I had hoped, and she loves playing with her new chicken friends. She might not officially be a livestock guardian breed—I learned that’s a thing—but she’s definitely assumed the role of one, and I know she’s much happier here than she was in a high-rise.
The little preview I had during our hometown visit was definitely not enough time for me to appreciate everything that goes on here. No two days are the same. Sure, we still need to wake up with the sun every morning, and there are chores like feeding my babies that have to happen each day, but I’m constantly amazed by everything Liam manages to juggle.
Some piece of equipment or structure seems to break down or need repairs every other day around here, and Liam justknows how to fix them all.He doesn’t call someone for help, or even look up how to do it online. If something needs his attention, he addresses the problem and quickly has it fixed and working again.
And that level of competency is really fucking hot.
