Page 52 of Can't Text This

Python:Did you get it? Pudding = love juice and cookie = love canal.

Me:Did you just call my vagina a love canal?

Python:Um, possibly.

Me:Remind me why I still talk to you?

Python:It’s because I’m a good kisser.

Me:Ah, it’s all coming back to me now.

Python:And because you’re secretly turned on by all my perverted comments and my dirty mouth.

Me:I didn’t say that.

Python:You didn’t have to, Monts. I know you.

Me:You can’t possibly know me. We’ve only been texting for like two weeks.

Me:No, wait—LESS than two weeks.

Python:It IS possible to get to know someone via text, you know. Zach and Delia are proof.

Me:How so?

Python:It’s a long story that involves a wrong number, a baby goat, and the nerd who got the girl.

Me:That sounds…odd, but also kind of romantic.

Python:Sure. We’ll go with that.

Me:I bet you’re a closet romantic. You loooooove love and want to fall madly and deeply in love one day.

Python:I’m already madly and deeply in love.

Me:With whom?

Python:It’s…complicated.

Me:How so?

Python:Because this relationship turns me into someone I don’t want to be, makes me become someone I’m ashamed of, and that’s not how relationships should be. It’s forbidden. WE’RE forbidden.

Python:But I guess that adds to the romance, huh?

Me:Okay, so, this started out all cute and fun but now I’m kind of worried.

Python:No, no, don’t be. There’s still plenty of room in my life for you, Monty. Don’t get scared on me now.

Me:*waits impatiently for the punchline*

Python:No punchline. I’m being serious. This forbidden relationship of mine is something I take very seriously. If I don’t, I’ll give in to the temptation, and it never ends in my favor.

Python:You know what, here—I’ll send you a picture of us together.

Python:DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

Me:ROBERT CROSS. I HATE YOU.

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