Page 79 of Fast and Dirty

West

I’m doing betterafter a brisk drive to the east end of the resort where Kira and I will be staying. The fresh salty air while on flat, non-moving ground did me good, not to mention a satisfying fuck with my wife in the rooms rainforest like shower.

Now, her hand is clasped in mine as we walk the cobblestone path of the Salty Palms resort. As I look up and around at our surroundings, I note the occasional Christmas decoration like a wreath of seashells, or holly and palm garlands hanging from the lamp posts.

Our honeymoon was delayed by a few months as there was a shit ton to do with my new role as mayor and Kira had a lot of things to square away before kicking off renovations at the Inn. But with neither of us being particularly close to our families, we figured a Christmas honeymoon in a tropical climate might be just the key. Taking a break from the harsh winter and all that.

I can tell this is just the slice of paradise we need, as we approach the door to the two story tiki bar that’s got water onboth sides of it. The only thing giving me pause is the impossible-to-miss sign that readsNo Pitching Tents allowedinside this establishment. Take it outside (where it belongs)adhered to the post outside.

Still holding her hand, I lead Kira through the threshold and why in the fuck did I for one minute think Agnes was joking when she said this place was a mermaid bar? The sign outside, and the fact that this was Agnes’s recommendation makes everything click together right now.

Sure enough, there’s several young ladies scurrying around in skimpy, barely there outfits as they take cocktail orders, stock clean glasses and clear tables.

“Hello, welcome in!” A cheerful bell of a voice greets us in a British accent. I barely get a look at her wardrobe before my head snaps away and I decide to check out the ceiling fan that looks like a boat propeller. Cool.

“Hi,” I say back. “Two please.”

“Oh my God, I love your bikini top!” My wife exclaims. “West! Check it out!”

How do men come in here and not look like giant pervs?

I clear my throat and suck in a breath before chancing a glance at the girl's chest. She’s sporting two pearly pink clams over where her boobs should be.See?I’m a fucking asshole. But she appears to be…under-endowed?I look away again awkwardly. “And your accent makes this place feel even more exotic,” Kira gushes.

“Oh,” her cheeks pink slightly. “Thank you. So I’m afraid our tables are a bit full up but there’s plenty of room at the bar if you’d like to wait for one to open up.”

“Thank you,” I nod at her as I lead us to the expansive tiki bar set up along the far wall.

This place is amazing. One far wall is floor to ceiling thick glass that shows a below view of the lagoon we just crossed. An eclectic array of sea life seems to be taking up residence in the water including a…

“Oh my god, a manatee,” I muse.

“Why yes,” the Brit says over her shoulder as she finds us a couple seats at the bar. “That would be Hugh.”

Hugh Manatee. Unbelievable.

I pull out a seat for Kira and get settled in the one next to her and my attention is immediately drawn to the clear aquarium wall behind the bar. Strands of kelp dance slowly to the tropical themed holiday music playing and various currents of bubbles flutter up from between rocks and corals. Brightly colored fish chase each other and a giant fish with a human upper body flaps by scaring the shit out of me.

“Jesus!” I flail, jumping back and rocking my stool. I grab onto the edge of the bamboo bar top to steady myself as Kira laughs beside me, rubbing my shoulder.

“Oh my god, an actual mermaid!” She rejoices as the thin and slender fish woman smiles and waves from behind the glass. Her fins are a shimmery silver which seems to match the color of her short hair that floats around her head.

“Son of a bitch,” is my feedback as I hold a hand to my chest, willing my heart to slow the fuck down. I need a drink more than ever.

“You know babe, I think you should skip the local craft beer and maybe head straight for a whiskey neat. You seem a bit jumpy,” Kira seems unphased as she reaches for the cocktail menu just as a tall Amazonian - like girl approaches us, her black ponytail swinging.

“What do you want?” She asks, sounding annoyed and I’m thinking it’s not in the context of taking our order.

“Oh my God, I love your outfit!” Kira compliments her black leather bra adorned with little pink bows and its short black matching skirt adorned with iridescent mermaid scales.

“Fuck off, are you going to order something?” She snaps and I feel my mouth open, ready to fire back at her for the way she’s talking to my wife when a hulking Latin Ken Doll of a guy shimmies up beside her and takes hold of her arms.

“Victoria,” he draws out in a rich accent to Bitchy Spice as if admonishing her and turns her around to face the far end of the bar. “Why don’t you see if Creepy Ted is here so you can scare him off?” he suggests as she gives the tall raven-haired bartender a gentle swat on the ass. She huffs, strutting off in that direction, holding double middle fingers up behind her back as she goes.

The Latin Merman just gives a pleasant sigh as he turns to us with a smile. “Greetings to the beautiful couple! I’m Miguel,” he places a hand on his bare chiseled chest. “Never mind her, she’s like that with everybody,” he waves a hand.

“And she works here?” I can’t seem to stop myself from asking.

Hispanic Fabio lifts his shoulders. “Some of our male clientele kind of dig her demeanor. Plus, she’s dependable. Now what can I get you?”

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