Page 80 of Fast and Dirty

The man’s cheerful demeanor is only matched by his professionalism and the little Brit, Clem, joins him behind the bar to help.

Kira grins excitedly down at the cocktail menu. “I think I’ll go with the Sugar Plum Purple Paradise daiquiri,” she decides and I add her suggested whiskey to the order.

“Right away,” he assures us as he and Clem get busy with glasses and shakers just as the tall bitchy one comes back with a tub full of dirty glasses. She stores it beneath the bar just as the silver swimming mermaid attempts a graceful flip inside the tank. She doesn’t manage to keep it entirely underwater however, as her tail fins flap above the surface just enough to wing some water droplets down on the back of the mean one’s neck.

“Aggh! What the fuck?” She turns around and flips the bird to her aquatic coworker who bobs behind the glass with her arms out in apology.

“And my text book!” The Brit scoops up a phonebook-sized book from under the bar and dabs at it with a towel. She places it back under the bar and turns to us. “Um… she’s kind of new,” she explains with a nervous chuckle as she places a napkin in front of me followed by my drink.

This makes the mean one whirl around. “What? No she’s not, she’s a clumsy little sprite!”

“Relax Victoria,” Miguel - that’s his name - chides as he pours a slushy purple concoction from a blender and pours it in a chilled daiquiri glass. “You can get her back when it’s your turn in the tank.”

Without a response, Victoria crouches down to mop up the rest of the splash droplets with her towel just as Clem grins at someone approaching over my shoulder.

“Evening Officer,” She greets and it comes out like offic-ah as she polishes a glass with her smile upturned.

Kira and I both turn to take note of a cop, somewhere around our age range standing and staring unabashedly at Victoria.

His eyes briefly flit to Clem to respond, “Hey Clem. Just checking in. All good here?”

“No fights, no injuries, and so far no pervs, but the night is young. And we’ve decided only Miguel waits on Creepy Ted from now on.”

“Good to hear,” he nods approvingly. “Remember though, I can come back any evening under cover. Just in case…” his speech has slowed slightly and his intense gaze is right back on the scary bartender.

Damn.

Victoria narrows her eyes at him and tosses the rag she was just cleaning up a spill within a nearby bucket.

“I’m taking my break,” she announces, and struts away around the corner and I can’t help but wonder why a happy - go - lucky cop seems to be sweet on someone who looks like she has a self-made cemetery in her backyard.

“Hey, don’t leave on my account, Pooky!” He flashes a smile, resting his hands on his utility belt as my wife looks from him to me with her eyes bugged out and her mouth hanging open. I level her with a deadpan.

“Do I need to remind you that you’re here on your honeymoon?” I gingerly hold my fingers under her chin to close her mouth.

I act indignant but even I can’t help but notice the officer has a nice set of lashes over those hazel pools.

“Oh please,” she waves a hand. “Don’t act like we aren’t in a tiki with the Girls Next Door.”

“With the exception of Magic Mike the Merman over there,” I toss my head in the direction of the grinning bartender. “And not onmysuggestion,” I give her a dubious eye roll as I turn to face the bars aquarium as the silver pixie mermaid hauls her upper body over the edge and emits a blood curdling shriek.

Once again, her coworkers are doused with tank water from her momentum.

“Are you KIDDING ME?!” She exclaims, elbows locked and water dripping off her lithe form. She looked so majestic and peaceful under the water, but now with her hair clinging to her face in dripping strands she resembles a drowned kewpie doll. Her fiery gaze is locked on a man at the end of the bar.

“What the hell are you doing?” Victoria shouts up at her.

“I’m confronting the jerkoff who’s jerking off over there!” The wet mermaid screams and lifts a hand to point at the sketchy man which proves to be a bad idea because her weight is no longer equally distributed on the edge of the glass.

Then all Hell breaks loose.

The one hand she was using to support herself slides sideways across the glass edge, causing her entire torso to fall forward and to the side.

“AGGGGHHHH!” She screams as she flops over the side and drops like a rock to the matted bar floor below.

Tall and bitchy Victoria is the first to scurry over and tower over her. “What the fuck was that?” She demands. The handsome cop lets himself around the bar and joins her all the while my wife and I sit here, stunned stupid like the spectators of a train wreck.

What the fuck was that indeed…

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