Page 45 of Speak

“I claimed you.”

When it came to physical brutality and Rayne-Moore University, well, that didn’t matter. Short of death, I had already faced the worst Rayne-Moore has to offer.

“I claimed you.”

I take two full pills that evening and wake up midday on Tuesday. I work on my assignments, send them through the student portal and then work on my debate, putting bullshit words together. When I’m done, I take another two pills only to wake up on Wednesday. I put on a clean uniform, reminding myself to burn the one from Monday and drag my feet.

Jonas doesn’t show up to Harrington’s lecture. Why would he? We broke his heart. I stare at his empty desk beside mine, telepathically willing him to show up.

He doesn’t.

I turn in my assignment to Maverick, making sure it reaches his hands. “Raven, I-”

I don’t care.I want to say. Because I don’t. I go back to my room and take two more pills.

In my dreams I allow myself to cry in Dream-Damon’s arms. He shushes me, cradles me, and I feel so cherished and safe. The way Jonas makes me feel. Dream Damon doesn’t touch me. He only holds me like he knows exactly what I need.

And I feel safe.

______

Three loud knocks in succession on my door tell me it’s Axel. Yeah, I forgot about him. Which means it’s Friday afternoon. I must’ve slept through yesterday. I’ll have to catch up on my schoolwork. I open the door still wearing my uniform from Wednesday. His brilliant smile fades as soon as he sees me. “Jesus, Ray what the fuck happened?”

I step away from the door and let him in. He pulls me in for a hug. “Ray, I love you, but you fucking stink. I don’t know what happened, but, c’mon. Let’s get you in the bath. One more day and the cooks here will ask you to squeeze your hair into the frying pans for grease.”

I let Axel wash my hair like when we were kids and I was sick and too tired to wash it. Bubbles come up to my chest in the large claw foot porcelain bathtub as I sit forward, pulling my knees to my chest and rest my chin on my forearm.

“Are you hungry? I brought snacks to refill your cabinet. But we could go out for some Thai or that coffee shop in town you use to love so much?”

I let my tired eyes close. I don’t want any of that. I just want to be alone. I shouldn’t have come back. I should’ve stayed at Lorne Wood, I mean, either way I’d still be dead and empty inside…broken.

“Raven, you have to give me something here, I… I don’t know how to help you.Please. You have to let me help you.”

There’s no way to heal me. I’m broken beyond repair, little brother.

It reminds me of this line from one of our favorite movies when we were kids,Corpse Bride,when the villain asks,“Can a heart break, once it’s stopped beating?”

The short answer is no. But somehow, it can still crack and chunks can split off until it’s completely broken. That’s what I am now. A few more cracks and chunks with no tape or super glue around to fix it. And I did it all to myself.

Once my hair has been conditioned and brushed, he brings a large, fluffy towel, panties, and my oversized My Chemical Romance Tee. He leaves so I can dry off and get dressed. When I get out of the bathroom he’s sitting on the loveseat with my phone in his hand. The selfie of me and Jonas, the day of his game, my lock screen.

“I grabbed it to charge it for you. Is this what’s wrong? Did Jonas do something to you?”

I quirk an eyebrow. How does he know Jonas?

“Candace's adopted brother, right? Once he turned eighteen he came to a few of mom and dad’s parties while you were… away.”

I blink. Of fucking course they knew each other. Our social circles ran small even if the Syndicate was stretched far and wide. No fucking wonder. But I shake my head. Nope. This pain?It was me, my little brother. I did this to myself… and I deserve it.

I sit on my couch and turn the TV on, putting it on the college Friday night lights to watch the Yellow Jackets play against Black Thorne. Jonas' face pops up on the screen with his stats and number that only a week ago I was given the privilege of hyping him up before his game. They’re an hour away this time, so I know they’re probably just staying in Black Thorne until tomorrow.

Partying. Meeting girls. Hooking up with them… my heart breaks all over again because I can’t be that for him. God, I can’t even drink with my stupid fucking meds. I can’t stand large crowds so I can’t even go to a party to support his wins. I can’t… I can’t be anything for him.

God, I’m so stupid to eventhinkI could be anything other than… whatever we were. It hurts. It hurts everywhere to realize and know that I would be utterly useless as a partner.

I don’t know tears are streaming down my face until Axel grabs the remote from my hand and turns off the game. “Alright, okay, that’s enough of that. What if… we go to…Casa de Cuervos?Just us? I kept it staffed for you.”

I deadpan.

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