Page 44 of Speak

I’m left entirely unsatisfied. A total of forty minutes in the span of a week with her in my periphery is not long enough. I’m not a man of regrets. But seeing her like this, like she has no light, no fight left in her, and Jonas parading around like a fucking king, completely unaffected, makes me sick. He never deserved her. Couldn’t even fight for her. Didn’t even have the balls to report me to Whitmore.

Pathetic.

Saturday night I finally get around to grading her essay, two tumblers of Macallan deep.

________

Sunday evening, an alert from the school wakes my uninteresting cell phone sitting to the right of me on my end table beside the tumbler filled with three fingers of Macallan.

Rayne-Moore University Campus – All Classes Canceled.

Followed by a second alert from the local news station.

Body of RMU’s Yellow Jackets Star Quarterback, Chase Prescott, 22, Found Sunday Morning.

Chapter Thirteen

Raven.

I sprinted after him, pushing past the hordes of students, losing him between the throngs and my blurry vision. I wipe my eyes, trying to see past my tears and I hear a door to a stairwell slam. My instincts tell me it’s Jonas trying to get away from me. I can’t have that. I need to make this right. I push the door open, the scent of the cement and stone and mortar that’s held these walls for over two centuries fills my nostrils.

I finally catch up to him, pulling on his blazer to stop him.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” he shouts, voice breaking, cracking both of our hearts open. A tear spills over his eyelid and he puts his index finger over his lips, the muscle in his defined jaw clenches as he swallows down whatever emotion he’s feeling and when his eyes land on mine, it is pure, unadulterated hatred. “Don’t you dare ever fucking touch me again, Raven.”

I back away. I will the words to spill, my mouth opens and closes.“P-p-p”but then the words stop, caught in my throat and my trachea feels as though it’s crumbled into itself, like it’s worked overtime and decided to give up on its own. Tears spill faster than I can handle, and I grasp my throat, inhaling loudly, gasping, hyperventilating, my face numbing. My chest is dissolving. Please let me explain! I wanted to scream.

But how do I explain it? That while I love Jonas, I also love what Maverick makes me feel. That how Jonas makes me feel so fucking precious, Maverick makes me feel primal. Archer makes me feel high. My chest heaves as I realize my conclusion.

I love Jonas.

But what I feel for Maverick is carnal and savage and wild and he seems to bring it out of me and he seems to love it, too. Maverick and I are destined in a way that Jonas and I are destined. It’s a passion, a fire I know will probably run out, but I pray it won’t. What I feel for Jonas is stronger,stranger. They’re two different feelings, separate from the other.

They both make me dizzy.

Jonas scoffs, “Now?Nowyou want to try to talk to me with his cum still on your fucking lips?” his tone malicious and I fucking deserve it. He crowds me just like Maverick did in his office but I welcome it. I will welcome whatever punishment he has for me. He grips my hair by the nape of my neck, bending me back so I can peer up into his shiny, wet eyes. “You make me fucking sick. Is that why you’ve been so fucking hot and cold with me?”

I shake my head too quickly. A lie. And he sees right through me. I try to touch him again and he slaps my hand away with a force and it hits the steel railing of the stairs so hard it dings and the pain reverberates up through my forearm to my elbow. I hold it to my chest between us, but I don’t dare look away from him. I’ll wrap it later, take a pill for swelling. Ice it. Whatever.

His grip tightens, my scalp prickling. Then, as though he’s through with me he lets go with a powerful yank and I hit the brick wall softly. My vision blurs a bit but I do my best to face him again. “My god. How long has this been going on?”

Since the beginning. But it’s you, it’s you. I swear, it’s you for me. He doesn’t matter he doesn’t matter he doesn’t matter.But that’s a lie. Between the three, they’ve all awakened something within me. I’d give up all three if I couldn’t have one or the others. I’d never choose and yet if I were forced… it would be none if I couldn’t have all.

He grimaces, “Since the first time he called you into his office, huh? That’s why you flew out of the psych department the day of the coffee incident.”

I look away and inhale. Longer than that.

He nods and laughs so wickedly it scares me. His eyes narrow into slits, his face transforming into something dangerous. Something made of nightmares. But he doesn’t scream, which scares me more. Jonas lowers his voice another octave, teeth gritted together and I tremble.

“I’m a fucking idiot. Iclaimedyou. I fucking claimedyouin front of the whole quad. Nobody has fucked with youbecauseof me. Chase was right. You’ve been playing me. Toying with me. Was I just a game? A fucking front for you so you could continue having an affair with the fucking professor?”

Tears stream down my cheeks as I shake my head slowly, inhaling again. He pulls me toward him again, and I hate myself for how my body craves him even if it’s to accept his wrath. I’ll take whatever punishment I have to. I’ll drop Maverick’s class. I’d do it all. I’d do anything for him to call me baby again. To get rid of the hatred for me in his eyes.

It's sick. It’s toxic but I don’t care. I want his love, his wrath, I want him in all the ways that matter. I shouldn’t. I hurt him, he hurt me, I should walk away and never think about him ever again…

His eyes burn a vicious green and his voice gets low. “We’redone. Stay the fuck out of my way. If you see me, turn away because no you fucking don’t. I won’t stop them from eating you alive,baby. The vultures at this school? You think spit wads in your hair were bad? You have no idea, but you’re about to know. You are utterly alone now. No friends. You no longer have my protection. We’re fuckingdone.” He rasps before dropping me again and turns to the door leading to the second floor.

It slams behind him and my knees buckle out from under me, my weight too heavy to withstand. My hair falls around me like a curtain, and I stay there until my eyes are so dry they burn, letting his words sink in.

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