Page 44 of Saving Noah

“Whatever you say,” Connor answered quickly, his voice laced with sarcasm. “Just remember, sometimes it’s out of our control.”

“I don’t lose control.”I can’t lose control, not where Noah is concerned.

*****

Noah stood under the shower spray and let the hot water pound against his back. He was…terrified. He’d already puked twice, and his nervous stomach didn’t appear to be easing up in the least. Zach had something special planned for tonight, and Noah had a feeling it wasn’t the “something special” involving kinky fun where they were both naked. No, he had feeling Zach had adateplanned.

A fucking date.

A fucking date would require him leaving his safe zone.

Hecouldn’tdo it.

Hehadto do it.

There was no doubting it. He was making progress and improvements with his mental health. The doctor assured him of it and he could feel the differences. The fear that had been his permanent companion was still there, but it lurked in the shadows instead of the full-blown terror he’d experienced so regularly. Hell, when he was with Zach, he could almost forget about his anxiety…could almost fool himself into thinking he was a normal person.

But, while progress was definitely being made, Noah didn’t think for one minute he was ready to leave his safety zone. Nope. No point lying to himself about it. Beneath all the improvements and giant leaps toward mental stability, he was still a coward.

He turned off the shower, stepped out, and wrapped himself in a thick towel. After taking a deep breath of determination, he went over to the bathroom mirror, wiped away the steam, and stared at himself. There were physical changes going on as well. His eyes were brighter since he’d reduced his meds to something more manageable. His color had improved, but without access to sunlight, he remained pale. He was still thin, but his muscles were more defined. He wouldn’t ever have the muscles Zachary sported, but he was doing nicely.

Noah frowned. He actually missed the chocolate and sugar more than his drugs. What did soda ever do to Zach? The man was totally against his beloved beverage. Unsure of what it said about him as a grown man, he liked having Zach take care of him…except when it came to his sodas. There was a good chance he’d snuck some of those from the restaurant downstairs while Zach worked, but he’d never admit that aloud much less in his own thoughts.

His gaze narrowed. “You can do this, Noah. You’re strong. You’re brave. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Youaresafe.” He looked closer at the reflection in the mirror. “That’s all bullshit, Noah, but you’ve got to try really hard for Zachary. You can be brave and be strong for Zach.”

Before he started answering himself, he stepped away from the mirror and went into his bedroom. The doctor had sworn those mirror pep talks would help, but Noah sure the fuck didn’t feel any braver than before he’d climbed out of the shower.

His stomach rolled with nausea again.

“Stop thinking about it,” he warned himself.

Okay, a date. Zach wanted to take him on a date. Sure, the night would more than likely end up with him in an ER somewhere, but he wasn’t going to dwell on that ugly fact until the first signs of the panic attack clutched at his heart. No, he’d focus all his attention on finding something decent to wear.

No sweatpants.

No shorts.

No tank tops.

No T-shirts.

Shit, he didn’t even know what fucking month it was. That shit wasn’t important when one didn’t leave their apartment building. He grabbed his cell and found the information he needed. October. Fall. It would be chilly outside, but not cold. He jerked open his closet door and started digging around furiously for a thin sweater. There had to be one in there somewhere. He’d had normal clothes at some point in his life. When he found a black cashmere sweater, he felt like he’d won the lottery. He had absolutely no clue what was stylish, but surely a plain black sweater would be acceptable. Frowning, he sniffed it to make sure it didn’t smell like mothballs or something equally unappealing.

After sliding the cashmere sweater over his head, he dug around for jeans. Like the sweater, they had to be there somewhere. Ten minutes and fifteen curse words later, he found a box labelled jeans. He tossed the first three pair, wondering why in the world he would have thought embellishing was attractive, and then hit pay dirt with a pair of soft, faded Levi’s plain enough to not look good, but hopefully, not look bad either. Figuring it was the best he would find, he did the sniff test, and then shoved his legs into the denim. They were a bit baggy, loose everywhere except his ass, and Noah wondered if he’d really lost that much weight or if he’d been chubby when he’d been sane.

A quick look in the mirror told him he was nowhere near what somebody as hot as Zachary deserved to have by his side, but it was the best he could manage until he did more shopping. Grinning like a lunatic, he went back to the closet and pulled out the one online item he’d foolishly purchased when he’d been on a Zachary-high. Yeah, he must have been arrogantly confident when he’d spent the four hundred dollars he didn’t really have just so he could have the black biker boots, thick leather belt, and black twisted bracelet he’d thought Zachary might find hot. Sure, Zachary rarely wore anything but expensive, stuffy suits, but when Noah looked at all the tats decorating his body, he saw a different side to his lover. He saw a man who enjoyed it rough and on the edge.

Noah wanted to be the man satisfying those darker hot desires.

He checked his watch again—only fifteen minutes before Zach was supposed to show up. Zach had been so fucking excited that morning when he’d told him he had something special planned for their one month anniversary. Noah didn’t want to be the reason that sexy smile disappeared. He had to find the courage to do what Zach wanted. Hehadto.

Saliva poured into his mouth and he ran toward the toilet. How much more could he throw up before his tank emptied?

*****

He’d been home long enough to walk Denala, tend to the puppies, and shower. The excitement bubbled inside him, both terrifying and exhilarating him at the same time. Since the shit show with his father, he hadn’t had any type of physical relationship with another person lasting longer than one fuck, much less one month. One month. If his heart weren’t irrevocably damaged, he knew Noah would be theone.

Before leaving his apartment, he called Connor’s cell. As soon as his friend answered, he asked, “Is everything ready?”

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