Page 38 of Confessions of Pain

I had a big enough problem of my own. His name was Kelsey Morganston and I was flat out in love…and in hate with him. No, that was a lie. There wasn’t really any hate for Kelsey in my heart. I wasn’t exactly sure when I’d thrown in the towel and admitted defeat, but it had happened. I was no longer in Trenton Falls to seek my revenge on Kelsey; I was there to make Kelsey mine again. I supposed the only question left was when I would have the balls to admit it to myself and everyone else…especially Kelsey.

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Nearly twelve hours later, my brain was fried. Dead. Shorted out. We’d gone over everything there was to go over…twenty times, probably. Titus, damn him, was the devil for the details. Without any of our help, Kelsey had convinced the yarn supplier to ship yarn based solely on Kelsey’s word that they would receive payment. In my opinion, that was a dumb business decision but, then again, I wasn’t known for my wise business decisions. On top of that, I was proud of him. When he’d hung up the phone, his face beaming with a huge smile, my heart had nearly burst at the seams. I wanted to grab him in a tight hug and dance around the room, telling him what a fantastic job he’d done.

Instead, I’d grunted like a caveman. Nice.

Kelsey’s cell, tucked in my pocket, was going wild. I’d put it on vibrate and it was lighting-up every few minutes. Poor Jax. He was going insane not knowing where his Kelsey was. Good. He deserved it. In my humble opinion, he wasn’t a damned bit better than his dear ole dad.

“Okay, let’s go over everything one more time,” Titus said as he shuffled his papers and tried to balance his laptop at the same time.

My head literally exploded…as in pieces of brain matter had to be staining the newly polished walls. I couldn’t do it again. Iwouldn’tdo it again. Jeremiah and Ethan were lounging on one of the leather sofas, kissing and giggling like school kids. Kelsey had dozed off about thirty minutes ago, after we’d finished ‘going over everything’ for the fourteenth time, and now he was curled into a small ball on a furry rug in front of the fireplace. His face was relaxed and every few moments, I heard cute little soft snores. I felt my breath hitch in my throat as memories flooded my body, sliding in each and every open space and even pushing against the spaces filled with my hate and need for revenge.

All those late nights we’d spent in the woods with nothing but flashlights or lanterns for light…nothing but each other to stay warm. I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t remember me ever sleeping when we lay cuddled together on whatever blanket or sleeping bag Kelsey had confiscated from Heaven only knew where. I’d spent every second watching him…touching him. The touches had been innocent, just me memorizing the feel of his skin beneath my fingertips. I’d marveled at how deeply he could sleep and the trust he’d put in my hands to watch over him. I would trace the many soccer bruises that marred the perfection of his pale flesh. I often noticed the dark smudges under his eyes…like he never slept, but I knew better. He could sleep at the drop of a dime. At least, he had with me.

Like he was now.

My heart softened and I could feel my memories still working their way through my body…still pushing hard against the parts of me that wanted to hate him.

“We aren’t going over it again, Titus,” Ethan growled between kisses. “Your plan is solid. Gabe will make money. Morganston Textiles will be successful. We will be hiring at least an additional twenty employees within the next month. All’s good.” He kissed the tip of Jeremiah’s nose and looked in my direction. “Anyway, we need to get Kelsey home. He’s had about all of your planning that he can handle for one night.” Ethan snorted when he looked at Kelsey’s sleeping body. “Maybe we should make him walk home…or catch a cab. I’ve got more important things to do than act a chauffeur for the reigning town asshole.” He grabbed Jeremiah’s ass as he spoke, but Jeremiah, not liking his attitude, knocked Ethan’s hand away.

“Why are you being such a jerk? He’s a nice kid!” Jeremiah reprimanded.

Oddly enough, I was angry with Ethan…my best friend. I didn’t like him talking about Kelsey the way he was. Kelsey deserved better. His pale blue eyes were so…sad. Why did he look so sad?

“He’s a liar, Jeremiah. Don’t defend him and don’t dare forget what he did to Gabe.” He waggled a finger in Kelsey’s direction and said, “He might look like an angel, but we all know better. He lost his wings a hell of a long time ago.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ethan,” I growled, unable to listen to another negative word about Kelsey, especially from a person I cared about.

Ethan’s face morphed from evil to triumphant in an instant. “That’s what I thought.” He winked in my direction. “I didn’t think you’d let me get away with that. Just trying to wake you up to what you’re feeling, big guy.”

“Don’t help me,” I grumbled. I stood up and looked down at Kelsey’s smaller frame and my damned fingers itched to touch him. “I know what I’m feeling, so fuck off…big guy.”

“You taking him home or are you taking him upstairs…to your room?” Ethan asked quietly.

“He’s home,” I answered softly.

I was lying to them and to myself, but the words wouldn’t stop themselves from escaping my mouth. I believed it, with all my heart. Kelsey did belong to me, and he was home.Finally.

I knew he could accuse me of kidnapping as soon as he woke up, but I didn’t care. I wanted him with me and until he told me differently, I could convince myself he felt the same way.

“Does this mean we aren’t reviewing our plan for the military contract one more time?” Titus asked in an exaggerated whisper.

After taking a deep breath and giving myself a quick pep talk, I bent over and scooped Kelsey up and cradled him in my arms. I expected some kind of fight from him, at least a mumble or grumble against being manhandled, but his only response was to snuggle closer to my chest. Sure, he was fast asleep and could be cuddling up against Jax for as far as he knew, but I told myself he knew it was me. I needed to think it was me Kelsey’s body wanted to be closer to.

“Be safe, friend,” Ethan said as I carried Kelsey toward the staircase that led to the bedrooms. I knew he was referring to my heart…just as surely as I knew my heart was in jeopardy.

“Always,” I answered. I knew what I was doing was highly questionable and could easily be misinterpreted, especially by law officials if Kelsey decided to pull a repeat of our past. I also didn’t care. I was finally ready to admit the love I felt for man in my arms heavily outweighed the hate I’d felt, which meant I was willing to take another chance…to put my freedom on the line, if that’s what it took.

Kelsey never woke up as I maneuvered the spiral staircase, which was nearly an impossible task. His eyes never did more than flutter as he flattened his body even tighter against mine. Once inside the room Titus had designated as mine, I locked the door and then gently laid Kelsey on the king-sized bed. Thankfully, the bedding had already been turned down by the cleaning service who magically appeared on our second day. Titus thought of every detail, down to knowing four grown men would have the giant refurbished church looking like a disgusting bachelor pad within a few days.

As soon as he hit the soft mattress, he curled himself into a small ball, knees tucked up to his chest and arms wrapped around his waist. It was strange but cute at the same time. Of course, I no doubt would have thought anything Kelsey did would be considered cute. Regardless of how badly I wanted to peel every stitch of clothing off his body, I knew that particular slice of heaven would be crossing the line. I settled for taking his shoes and socks off, pulled the blankets up over him, and went into the bathroom to get ready to finally share a bed with my first, and only, love. No, it wasn’t happening the way I’d always dreamed, but at least it was happening. I brushed my teeth, splashed water on my face, and stripped down to my underwear. Would that be too much? Too aggressive?

With a frown, I dug around in a drawer, found a pair of sweatpants, and slid them over my legs and hips. Who was I trying to fool? Both Kelsey and I had woken up this morning hating each other. Why would I think it would be any different just because my heart was willing to finally admit I’d been confusing love with hate? Kelsey, no doubt, still hated me and probably had never even loved me in the first place.

He didn’t act like he hated me, though. Every time I tried to goad him into an argument, he wouldn’t be baited. I dished it out and he took it. His eyes, those beautiful azure blue eyes, still looked at me with the warm expression I’d used to refer to as love. They were flat and empty…unless they were looking in my direction.

Hope blossomed.

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