Page 39 of Confessions of Pain

I could forgive him. Hell, I could forgive Kelsey any sin…including trying to send me to prison. The past was the past. I needed to focus on the future and turning that future into a life with Kelsey.

I slid into the bed next to him, tucked the bedding around my waist, and turned on my side to make it easier to look at him as he slept. What had changed about him, I wondered. In my youth, I’d memorized every plane and curve, every freckle, every…hell,everything. A smile curved my lips as I recalled how his incredibly long lashes used to drive me insane with their cuteness. Kelsey, on the other hand, had hated them. On most occasions, Kelsey would have himself a cute little temper tantrum when I’d point out it looked like he had angel wings over his eyes. On a few occasions, though, he’d be in a playful mood and he’d flutter those lashes against my cheek, the sensitive spot beneath my ear, or, the naughty nymph would torment my nipple. His lips, usually a dark shade of red, were plump and so damned kissable that it made it nearly impossible for me not to take him up on the silent offer.

I’d loved kissing him and could kiss him for hours. He’d squirm and moan, whimper and curse, plead and beg. I’d kiss and kiss and kiss.

I loved him so damned much back then.

I loved him even more now.

I scooted closer but was very careful to not let my body touch his. It wasn’t that I feared he would accuse me of anything; it was more that I wouldn’t want him to wake up and feel betrayed by me. I would never take advantage of him…even when I wanted to so fucking badly.

His back was turned to me and there wasn’t much to see with his clothes still on and the bedding pulled up to his chest, but I kept staring. He was lean and wiry, perhaps skinnier than he needed to be, but if my dreams came true and he hung around with us, he’d put some weight on fast. I loved to cook.

With the bright moonlight floating through the large windows on the opposite wall, I could easily see the thick leather bracelets wrapped around his wrists. Those…they caused my heart to stutter and sputter. I’d heard what Jax said. I knew what a collar meant. The thing was, he didn’t act like he belonged to Jax. Yes, they acted…close, but nottogether. So why was he still wearing the bracelets? What did Jax mean to him? There was no doubt of the importance of them, I just didn’t know what the significance was. Unable to stop myself, I reached for one of his wrists but as soon as my fingertip touched the soft leather, he moved his hand away and mumbled something I couldn’t understand. The wrist I’d just tried to touch tucked itself beneath his chin. His breathing changed, and I realized he was awake.

Slowly, I reached for the wrist again. For some reason, I was unable to stop torturing myself where Jax’s “collar” was concerned. I didn’t have the right to feel the way I felt, but I’d be damned if I sat back and allowed another man to collar what was mine.

He jerked the wrist away the second I touched smooth leather.

The room was eerily quiet as we both lay in the moonlit darkness, just waiting for one of us to make a move…say a word that could make the past disappear. We both knew that wasn’t possible, though. Too much hurt. Too many lies. My craving for revenge had been so strong and it may have very well ended any chance I might ever have to hold him in my arms again.

“Anywhere but there, Gabe,” he whispered, his back still turned to me. “You can touch me anywhere but there. Iwantyou to touch me,” he added in a huskier voice that held a hint of shyness. “I’ve fantasized about you touching me again every damned day since you left me. Please, Gabe,” he pleaded softly. “You don’t have to love me, or care for me, or even like me. I just need your touch. You can hurt me if it makes you feel better. Just…just put your hands on me. Please.”

He’d fantasized about me touching him? His lies were the very reason I hadn’t been able to touch him. Touch him anywhere except on Jax’s collar? Hurt him if it made me feel better? There were so many damned things wrong with what he’d just said…but one thing had been soright.

He wantedmytouch.

“Why, Kels? Why did you say it?” The words, finally spoken in a tone not filled with hate, tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Why did you want to hurt me so bad? I thought…I thought we were in love with each other. Hearing what you’d said…it nearly killed me, Kels. Literally and figuratively.”

I waited for his denial. An excuse. Anything except admitting what he’d done.

“I thought I would have a chance to explain, Gabe,” he answered. I could hear the tears in his voice and it tore at my heart. “I…I never thought you would just disappear. I was afraid. Wayne scared me to death with his threats and I didn’t know what else to do.” He turned to his other side and looked into my eyes. “You’d promised you would never leave without me, so I thought for sure I’d get a chance to explain.”

Tears streamed down his face and a look of despair made his bright blue eyes look incredibly dim. His face was pale and there were dark smudges under his eyes. It was the same look he’d had as a boy…except I’d been able to make the hurt disappear, if only for a brief moment in time. When I’d see him again, the dark smudges would be back.What had he endured at the hands of his brother?

“I…I knew what I said would hurt you—that it might even cause you to never love me again, but I didn’t see another way out at the time. Honestly, Gabe,” he whimpered. “I would have never intentionally hurt you. I thought I had more…time. I thought I could make it right between us.” He took a deep breath and finished with, “I thought you wouldn’t leave without me.”

It didn’t matter. The lies he’d told—none of them mattered. Not anymore. The only thing that mattered was that we were together again. We both had another chance to right all our wrongs. I could…no, Ialreadyforgave him for lying about me. I should have known Wayne or some member of his family had threatened him. He’d loved me too much.

Maybe still loved me.

I sure the hell loved him.

“Shhhh, babe,” I whispered and pulled him tight against me. “The past is the past. I’m sorry, too. I’m so fucking sorry for leaving without you, and I’m sorry for the way I came back.” I placed kisses against his forehead and cheeks, sucking away the salty tears. We’d wasted too much damn time already. “I never stopped loving you, Kelsey. I tried. I tried so hard, but I never stopped.” My hand wiped away the remaining tears and I pleaded, “Let’s start over. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve done since I got back. I wanted to hurt you the way I’d been hurt, and that makes me an asshole. Please give me another chance.”

He looked at me, blinked, his long lashes still heavy with tears, and asked, “Are you serious, Gabe? You’ll give me another chance? You…you don’t have to love me,” he whispered, “just let me back into your life. I know you were always more important to me than I was to you and I’m okay with that. I just want to see you…to touch you. I’ll take…anything you’ll let me have.”

“Oh no, angel. You’ve got all of me. You always did. Don’t ever think you weren’t the most important thing in my life. Hell, you still are! Even after all the shit we’ve put each other through, you areitfor me.”

“If I’m dreaming, don’t wake me. Please touch me. Please make love to me. Do whatever you want to do to me.”

His hands, acting like they were starved for my flesh, rubbed my arms, down my back, caressed the side of my face—they were everywhere. His body was much smaller than mine, but his lean muscles, taut flesh over hardness, pulled me against him with a strength that made my cock even harder than it already was.

When my body touched his and I heard his sigh of contentment, the years and lies faded away. It was only Kelsey and me…the way it had been and the way it was meant to be. How could everything feel so familiar, yet so foreign at the same time? He’d changed, but he was the same.

Regardless of what the changes were, one thing remained solid. He wasmine.

“Don’t turn me away, Gabe,” he begged.

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