Page 62 of You Will Never Be Me

I have to bite down hard on my lip to stop myself from bawling. The past couple of days have been nothing short of a nightmare, and here, finally, is someone who’s reaching down into the depths of the hole I’ve been thrown into. Handing me a lifeline.

“You’ve got this, Aspen. I’ve seen your videos; you’re good. You can do this. You can make the world love you again,” Helena says, and when she says it, I believe her.

When I get home, Ben is slouched on the sofa with the twins and Sabine,Peppa Pigplaying on the TV. I fleetingly think of how, before our world imploded, I would’ve gotten irritated if he’d allowed Sabine to watch TV. Our rule is simple: no screen time before the age of one. How laughable it is, now, to be concernedwith such meaningless rules. Ben barely bothers to lift his head from the couch, even when I greet them.

“How did the meeting go?” he says, still staring at the TV. I want to scream at him. He could at least pretend to give a shit about my life. But since that god-awful moment when I’d been convinced he was about to hurt me, he’s retreated into a thick shell, barely existing on this plane of reality.

“Really good. She says I need to keep posting videos.”

He scoffs, a hateful sound that reaches deep into my core and ignites me. “Of course she did. The answer to everything.”

I’m this close to lunging at him and grabbing him by the collar and screaming,Well I don’t see you coming up with a better idea, so I turn and walk out of the living room. I go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face, then I take a long look in the mirror. God, I look so tired. This isn’t the face of All Day Aspen. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this is exactly what people want to see.

I go to the living room and say, “Hey, Noemie, can you come here and help Mommy with something, please?”

She looks hesitant, but slides down the couch and follows me. I lead her to her bedroom, an aesthetically pleasing space painted in pastel shades of brown and pink, with a white cotton tent hanging down from the ceiling between the girls’ twin beds. I sit down on Noemie’s bed and pat the spot next to me, and she settles there, leaning against me.

“Are you going to prison?” she says in a small voice.

Tears prick my eyes. “No, baby. I’m never going to leave you.”

Noemie wrings her hands. “It’s just that…all the other kids at school are saying you’re going to prison.”

“Well, they don’t know what they’re talking about. Mommyhad a little adventure today. She went to meet with someone called a lawyer.”

Noemie gives me a tired smile. “You don’t have to talk to me like I’m a baby. I know what lawyers are. They taught us during Career Week.”

God, this kid. How can one heart possibly love anyone this much? “Sorry, my bad. I hired a really good lawyer, and she gave me some homework.”

“But lawyers aren’t teachers. Only teachers can give you homework.”

“Not true, actually. But never mind that. The homework she gave me is to make a video with you.”

Noemie’s little face scrunches up into a frown. “Why?”

“Mommy needs to tell the world the truth about our situation. Why Mommy has been working so hard. And you’re part of the family, which is why I need you to be in the video too.”

“What about Elea and Sabbie and Daddy?”

The thought of having to herd everyone into complying to a long, heartfelt video makes my head throb. “Just you, sweetheart.”

Noemie looks down at her lap. “It’s because of my diabetes, isn’t it?”

My heart tears itself apart. “Yes and no. But listen, sweetheart, I would not have you any other way. You are my perfect little angel, do you hear me?”

“I don’t want everyone to know about my diabetes,” she says, wringing her hands.

“Oh, sweetie, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s going to help so many people to know that you’re going through it. You’re raising awareness about the disease, and that’s a really good thing.”

Noemie raises her face and looks at me, her eyes round and worried. “I don’t know,” she mumbles.

It’s a struggle to keep calm.Please,I want to beg her,do this for Mommy. You don’t know how much I stand to lose.But I know I need to remain confident. In control. “Okay, how about this? You don’t need to say or do anything. Just be next to me while I make the video. Is that alright?”

She leans her head against me, and I give her a fierce hug. “Okay, you ready?” She nods, and relief floods my senses. I’ve got to move fast before she changes her mind. I turn my phone camera on and aim it at us, adjusting it slightly for a more flattering angle.

“Hi, everyone,” I say. “I think it’s time I tell you all the truth.” I pause, sighing, but still stoic. No overt emotions. “By now, you have all seen the video that Tanya posted. The one where I was, ah”— I have to pause to control my emotions—“where I was faking a morning routine video.” I look down reassuringly at Noemie. “That video isn’t a deepfake of me or anything. It really was me in there, running around like a madwoman, bribing my own kids into making a fake morning routine video. There are no excuses for why I did what I did. I’m here to say sorry to all of you, especially to my loyal fans, for lying to you.

“When I first started posting online, all I wanted to do was to share bits and pieces of my life with all of you. I didn’t want to be anyone’s role model. I just wanted to be me. More and more people found me, and I’m so grateful to all of you for your support. Then I had the kids, and…” I squeeze Noemie closer to me and plant a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ve never known love like this before. And fear. I’ve never known fear like this before. Suddenly, I had everything to lose. And when we found out that Noemiehere has diabetes, I think—” I pause and look up at the ceiling, blinking furiously. “Something in me broke. I would do anything for my kids. It’s no secret that when you get a certain number of followers, you can start monetizing your accounts. I had to earn enough not just to get by but to pay off our healthcare, to make sure Noemie gets her insulin every day. And I needed to save up money, because we all know how fickle social media is. I just want to provide for my family.

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