Page 27 of Bossy Hero

To: ALancaster

From: justmaddie

Oh, this is too much fun. First, it’s crocheted, not knitted. Two different things. The soldier is unrelated and just something I made because I thought it was cute. Yes, it’s supposed to be you. I think I’ll make a little Leo and Sawyer next so they can all hang out together.

No, Leo doesn’t know we’ve been talking. As for how I know what types of snacks to send, I pay attention when you talk. You’ve shared quite a bit with me over the last year. I wanted this gift to be special for you because you always make me feel special.

And seriously? You really haven’t figured out what the horse is for yet? What does it look like? Think HARDER about it.

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To: justmaddie

From: ALancaster

Yes, please send Leo and Sawyer crocheted soldiers. I’d like that very much. And maybe put duct tape on Sawyer’s mouth if that’s not too much trouble. They make gray yarn, right?

To be blunt, it looks phallic. Sorry. I don’t know how else to describe it.

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To: ALancaster

From: justmaddie

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner!

It looks phallic because it’s for your third leg. I made it a horse since you’re hung like one. It’s called a weenie warmer. It’ll keep your private first-class warm next time you go to Afghanistan in the winter. That way, I don’t have to hear about you freezing your package off again.

(Oh my god. My cheeks are flaming so much right now. Why did I send you this? I blame the wine. How can I rewind time and make a better decision? I should have just sent you some banana bread and a card.)

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To: justmaddie

From: ALancaster

Now I see why you said it’s a “special” delivery. However, I’d have changed it to emphasize the “D” in special delivery. Heh heh.

The camo version is perfect for when I’m wearing my uniform. Do you want a photo so you can check the fit and ensure I’m wearing it properly? I’d be happy to send that to you. It’s the least I can do after your kindness.

So the nose comes off for functionality, which is honestly so thoughtful. That’ll come in handy. And I assume the horse’s body is for my... um... jewels?

And weenie warmer? Nope. We’re calling this a cock sock.

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To: ALancaster

From: justmaddie

Sorry, Maddie can’t come to her email right now. She’s receiving urgent medical care for the third-degree regret and first-degree embarrassment she’s experiencing. She’d like you to know she had to guess on the size of the horse’s body since your lovely Ranger panties photo from a few months ago didn’t quite reveal everything you have that might need warming.

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To: justmaddie

From: ALancaster

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