Page 25 of Finding the Pieces

“First of all, that wasn’tdecentsleep. That was life-changing, soul-reviving, dark-eye-circle-healing sleep. And hun, I love you, but we only have, maybe, two shows we both like to watch, so if that’s what we’re basing this off of, fine. Then Chris can move in and you can have Jake. Chris and I shareeveryshow.”

“I hope you two will be very happy together.” I cross my ankles and lean against the counter.

“Eh, I think I’ll take my chances on bad sleep and hang onto you a little longer. You make the best coffee.” Ellie smiles at me as a comfortable silence stretches between us, both sipping on warm drinks in an unhurried morning. Hot coffee, quiet house, and the woman of my dreams sharing it with me.

Unable to wait any longer, I dive in, hoping she’ll hear me out.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking,” I say.From approximately one to three in the morning, I don’t add. Figures the first good night of sleep we get from Luca in who knows how long, and I was stuck awake, tossing and turning, trying to figure out how I wanted to approach this conversation with Ellie. “I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, Ellie. But last night—”

“I’m sorry,” she rushes out, placing her hand on mine. Her grip tightens, her fingers digging into my palm. Her eyes close and she shakes her head slightly as she says, “I’ve just been feeling insecure and touched out lately. I had a great time last night. I’m sorry I ruined it at the end.”

My chest aches. Her words are another reminder that we still have so far to go. We have a lot of work to do to repair what we’ve neglected for months while we focused on other things. We can’t afford to pushusaside anymore or I’m afraid there won’t be anusfor much longer. How long can a relationship last on the path we’re taking? We need to be our priority now.

“I’m going to need you to take that back,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

“When exactly do you think you ruined our night? On our date, while we talked and laughed in what was probably the longest uninterrupted conversation we’ve had in months? When you kissed me and lit my insides on fire with your perfect body pressed to mine? When you fell asleep in my arms and hummed my name in your sleep?”

“I don’t talk in my sleep,” she says softly, her eyes glistening with amusement, even though her posture screams that she’s feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

“Yes, sweetie, you do—always have—but that’s not my point.” I circle the counter and turn her seat until I’m standing in front of her. I lean down, dropping my hands to each armrest at her side, and bend so we’re eye to eye.

“There is no part of last night that was in any wayruined. I was with you. If you asked me to change one thing about it, I wouldn’t. It was exactly what we needed. Which brings me back to what I wanted to talk to you about.” I pause, steeling myself for an uncertain reaction to what I’m about to suggest. “I think we need to put sex on the back burner right now.”

I wasn’t sure how best to approach the subject, but in the moment, it seems like I’ve decided to go with being direct. I hope I’m not fucking this up.

“You…don’t want to have sex with me anymore? Are you not attracted to me?” The question is laced with unmistakable hurt.

I straighten, lifting her chin so her eyes stay on mine.

“I meant what I said last night, Ellie. I always want you. Twenty-four seven, three hundred and sixty-five. You’re even more stunning today than you were the day I married you, but I want us to take some time to focus on other things without the pressure of sex lingering in the back of our minds. Every time it comes up, you apologize and talk about what you thinkIwant. But I need toknow whatyouwant. I want more than anything to give it to you. It feels like it’d be easier if we could focus on taking care of ourselves and each other in the other ways that matter first. Then we’ll put sex back on the table when we’re ready.”

When you’re ready.

The hurt seems to dissipate as she absorbs what I’m saying. I know it’ll take more than one conversation to reassure her that this is a good thing, but we have to try something different. What we’re doing isn’t working, and this is the best I can come up with. I just hope I’m not making things worse.

“So how will we decide when we’re ready to put sex back on the table?” she asks, tucking her hair behind her ear as she stares into her coffee mug.

“Let’s not set any time limits. Let’s just feel it out.”

“Feel it out?” She chokes, disbelief radiating off her.

Come on, babe. Trust me.

I nod, forcing confidence into my posture. Begging her silently to put her faith in me, to give me a chance to fix this.

She studies me, and she must find what she’s looking for because she agrees. “Okay, I trust you.”

“This will be good, I promise. Now, I have one more serious topic for this morning. Before Luca wakes up, we havegotto work on it.”

She rolls her eyes. “The second we sit down to work on it, he’s going to wake up. It’s like when we lie down to fall asleep…it’s the loudest sound in the world, straight to his tiny ears like cymbals crashing in a high school band.”

“Nah, Luca loves his dad too much to not give me an extra twenty minutes for this.”

I pull Ellie from her seat, and she joins me at the dining table. It never gets used for dining. Its purpose is almost exclusively forthis.

Several completed puzzles lie on the table, off to the side. The unfinished one is set up in front of where Ellie and I sit. Only the puzzle’s outline is completed. Ellie takes a minute to tuck her feet underneath her, getting comfortable, surveying the pieces while she calculates her first move. I dive in, reaching for the first piece when we hear Luca’s cry ring out over the monitor.

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