Page 5 of If It Can't Be Us

“Only because I’m sitting with you.” He patted my knee and let his hand rest there, caressing my bare thigh. His fingertips traced a slow, deliberate path, stirring a fire within me that grew hotter with every touch. My heart raced as I looked at him, overwhelmed by the intensity of my love and the urgent desire to be close. I couldn’t wait another minute to have him. With butterflies in my stomach, I whispered in his ear, “I think I’m ready.”

He gazed into my eyes and just said, “Okay. Let’s get out of here.”

He sat his half-drunk beer on the console table as we walked out, holding hands, practically running to the Jeep. We drove to his house because his parents were more lenient about us being alone in his room. We raced up the stairs and shut the door behind us. Panting, we stared at each other, waiting for the other to make a move. A giggle slipped out of me, and I clasped my hand to my mouth to stifle it. He slowly removed my hand, cupping it with both of his hands, and gently brought it to his lips.

“I’m sorry. I must be nervous.” I searched his eyes for security.

“I’m nervous too… We don’t have to do this tonight, Viv.”

“I want to.”

“How about we watch a movie for a bit? It might take the pressure off. We can see where things go.”

“Okay, but I get to pick the movie.”

“Deal.” He led me to his bed where I leaned against him as he wrapped his arms around me.

“Rom-com, action or drama?”

Without hesitation, he replied, “Rom-com.”

We decided to watchEasy A.The irony was not lost on us, considering the movie’s plot is about a girl who lies about losing her virginity.

Laughing, Ben stroked my hair, pressing gentle kisses on my head, neck, and shoulders. Ultimately, I gave in to the nervous sensations in my body and turned to meet his lips. We kissed for a long time while our hands explored each other, lost in the excitement of it all. Things happened so naturally. When it was time, Ben reached for a condom, and with nervous laughter, I helped roll it on. He positioned himself in between my legs and looked so sweetly into my eyes.

“I’ve heard this can hurt for you… the first time.” His voice sounded so sweet and sincere.

“I know,” I replied.

He gently inched his way in and I gasped, gritting my teeth. He paused, checking to see if I was okay. I nodded, and he continued, moving his body back and forth, his speed increasing as the heat and urgency built between us.

When we were finished, Ben lay on his back as I caressed his abdomen. I’ll never forget the cheesy grin he had on his face, like he had just hung the fucking moon.

“God, Iloveyou, Vivian Stone.”

I looked up at him adoringly. He was mine.

“I love you too, Ben Walker.”

I set the yearbook aside and pick up the stack of high school dance photos. I’ve never entirely understood how looking at these memoriesdoesn’t upset me further. Instead, it calms me down. Even though I ache for him to be here with me, I’m able to appreciate the times we had together.

I make it back to bed sometime around three in the morning. Sleep comes quickly, thank God, as my head hit the pillow, getting much needed rest before my workday tomorrow.

* * * * ** * * * *

I’m in my office going over my notes for tomorrow’s meeting when I get a text.

Sarah:Hey, Ryan is having a guys night tonight. You wanna come over? Get some much-needed girl time?

Vivian:Ugh! I wish, I have a date with Bentley.

Sarah:That’s great! You must like him… Didn’t you just go out a few days ago?

Vivian:Yeah… I do. He’s cute. He seems nice enough.

Sarah:Cute and nice enough? Come on, Viv, that doesn’t sound like a guy who’s pulling on your heartstrings. That’s it? Cute and nice?

Vivian:No…

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