Page 4 of If It Can't Be Us

I can’t breathe. Someone is telling me to hold on.

I can’t breathe.

”Do you want to hold her?”

I can’t breathe. I want to scream. I want to die.

I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

Chapter 1

VIVIAN

JULY

18 Months Later

I can’t breathe.

My body jolts upright as I gasp for breath, clutching my chest. Slowly, awareness returns and I recognize my room. I tap my chest in an attempt to slow my breathing.

“Shit.” I exhale shakily.

My heart is pounding, and my shirt is soaked from sweat. I can’t believe this is happening again. Despite having frequent nightmares after the accident, I haven’t had any for months now.

I reluctantly get out of bed and pad across my bedroom to the bathroom, turning on the light. I face myself in the mirror. Flashes of the accident blur in my mind, overwhelming me with grief. I lace my fingers behind my head, taking slow breaths, exhaling as if I’m pushing air through a straw to calm down. My reflection muddles as tears fill my eyes and softly stream down my face.

Pleading, I whisper to myself, “Not again. Not fucking again.”

I scramble to turn on the faucet, splashing cold water on my face as a moan of sorrow escapes my mouth. Giving up, I back against the wall and slide down, letting the tears soak my face. I hug my knees to my chest andsob. Images of Ben’s smiling face and our beautiful baby girl…Evie, torture me, keeping me from going back to bed.

I cry until the sobs fade into quiet, my body too drained to produce any more tears. Unsure if I’ve been sitting on the floor for minutes or hours, I force myself to stand. Splashing water on my face once more, I dry my eyes and wander aimlessly around the house. I find myself an hour later in a spare bedroom closet, flipping through my high-school yearbook from junior year.

To the girl who turned my ordinary life into something incredible. You make every day worth living. I can’t wait to make more memories with you.

I Love You,

-Ben-

I smile. I remember this day like it was yesterday. It’s the day that I lost my virginity. The last day of junior year for me, and senior year for Ben. I had just turned seventeen four days earlier, and we had been dating for almost two years. Released early from school, we packed into Ben’s Jeep with the top down, along with three other friends, and headed to Ben’s house topre-party.Our pre-party consisted of going to Cold Stone, taking it back to Ben’s and sitting around. We ate our ice cream, goofed off, laughed, and talked about our future.

There were five of us—Sarah, Greg, Jason, Ben and me. We were all good kids from good families, and none of us had ever had alcohol before. Our friend Chloe was hosting a graduation party that night at her parents’ estate, a ski ranch tucked in the mountains. Ben and I had talked about having sex. I knew that he kept a box of condoms in his nightstand for when we were ready, but I hadn’t been. He was patient, and never pressured me.

Chloe’s house was full of chaos. Her parents were away on business, and it was packed. Kids from down in the valley had even come up. There was alcohol… a lot of alcohol. We had two groups of good friends that merged into one larger group in our high school. Chloe and a handful of others were part of one group, and the five of us were part of the other. Chloe’s group was always pushing boundaries and exploring, often recklessly with drugs, sex, and alcohol.

The five of us made a boisterous entrance and went straight to the kitchen, saying hi to people on the way. Hip-hop was blasting throughout the house from the speakers in the ceiling. I wore a black fitted dress that was “too short,” according to my mom.

Ben and Greg grabbed beers from the ice bucket.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“We’re having a beer. It’s graduation day. Relax, babe,” Ben said, cracking open his can.

“We just wanna try one, Vivian,” Greg added.

“Do you guys want one?” Chloe chimed in and handed one to me, Sarah and Jason. We all looked at each other, knowing it was wrong; we reluctantly opened them. Ben made a toast, and we all clinked our glasses and drank. I spit mine out immediately. Sarah made a sour face but managed to swallow. The boys, of course, all acted cool. Ben and I made our way to a couch in one of the many living rooms. Placing his arm around my shoulders he leaned back and sipped his beer.

I giggled. “You feel so cool right now.”

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