Page 159 of Steps

I shake my head. “Varen…”

“Your mom’s right about one thing,” he mutters. “Ihaven’t given up anything for you, I’m just using our love to suppresseverything else.”

“What… I don’t understand.”

“I haven’t taken the pills since we’ve been backtogether, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them either.”

“That’s okay,” I tell him, sympathy lacing mytone. “We’ll do it together. I’ll help you.”

He moves my hand from his arm and holds on to it.“No, Toya. I need to do it on my own. I understand that better after readingyour diary.” Angling his head, his blue eyes droop as they absorb me. “Youalways forfeited your own happiness, trying to please your mom. I won’t let youdo that to yourself anymore, not with me.”

My heart starts to pound with fear. My head hurts.“Varen, I’m not.”

“You love writing. I could feel that on every pageno matter how sad the moment was for you. Yet, you haven’t written anythingsince moving in with me. You wrote all the time when you lived at my dad’s.”

I wobble my head. “It comes and goes. It hasnothing to do with you.”

“California,” he adds, “another thing youmentioned so many times in your diary. It wasn’t just about getting away fromyour mom. You really wanted to go there for school, and you gave that up forme. Didn’t you?”

“Where’s all this coming from?” I say, pitch highin my frustration.

Varen remains solemn. “From your diary. Fromyou.”

A quiet air settles between us.

I move closer. “I’m not going to California,Varen. It’s too far.”

He pulls me into his chest. “That’s all that’sbeen on my mind. I don’t want to let you go, Toya. But I might need to just tofully get better, and for you to grow.”

“Don’t say that.” I press my eyes shut. “We can doboth together.”

Varen doesn’t utter another word, just standsthere quietly holding me.

39

We don’t discuss those things again for the nextweeks. I’m out shopping with Kenya the week before Christmas. She’s cut back onher hours at work to spend more time visiting her mom.

Now that Christmas is right around the corner, I’mscrambling to think of gifts for Varen. And although there’s tension with thefamily, I still want to buy gifts for Daniel, Alison, and of course, my mom.

“Think he’ll like this?” I ask Kenya, holding up amen’s winter Jacket.

She squints at it. “How many jackets does healready have, though?”

I sigh. “You’re right.” I put it back on the rack.“Ugh. Guys are so hard to shop for.”

“Tell me about it. Stephen says I don’t have tobuy anything, but I still want to. Plus, I know he’s getting me a gift.”

“Hmm. So is Varen.”

I glance down at my bracelet as our conversationflashes back to me. A gloomy feeling rises in my chest.

“He thinks he’s holding me back.”

Compassion appears on her face when I peer upagain. She asks, “What do you think?”

I can’t help smiling. “I love Varen. So very much.He could never hold me back in life. And I don’t mind him using my love to helphim cope either. If it helps keep him on track, then I don’t see the big deal.”

Kenya blinks away from my eyes. “But... he alsohas to learn to face his problems without it. His life can’t revolve aroundyou, Toya. Maybe that’s what he’s trying to say. Varen probably feels likeyou’re adjusting because of him. He doesn’t want you to hold back on anything.He wants you to soar.”

---