Page 158 of Steps

“Varen,” I whisper and touch his hand on thetable.

“What good would that do?” Mom says, harshly.

Daniel tries to cut in, “Lisa, don’t, you agreed.”

“Toya is the kind of girl who would only feelguilty,” she continues, ignoring him. “She won’t enjoy herself because she’d bethinking about you. How you were left behind for her. Everything you do now hasto be together, or my daughter won’t be happy.” She pauses to catch her breath.“You’ve rooted your damn self inside her heart. She’ll give up everything to bewith you, including me.”

“Mom, please!” I exclaim, tone pleading. “Itdoesn’t have to be like that. You don’t need to push us away.”

She counters, “Well, I can’t support you sleepingwith your stepbrother.”

Alison gasps. Daniel groans. “Jesus, Lisa.”

Varen springs from the chair and says to his dad,“This really wasn’t a good idea.”

I stand beside him.

“You’re right,” Mom agrees, nonchalant. She drinksher wine.

Daniel throws up a hand. “Lisa, you said you’dtry.”

Varen grips my hand. “It’s fine, we’re leaving.”

“No, please stay,” Alison urges us. “We shouldfind common ground.”

I thrash my hand, exasperated. “Sorry, Ali. But Iwon’t stay with my mom treating Varen like this.”

“See what I mean?” Mom says mockingly, glaring atVaren. “She’ll give up everything for you. But what will you give up for mydaughter?”

“When haveyouever done that for me?” Ireverse her question, teeth clenched. “How many times have you stayed with menwho treat me like shit despite all my tears and pleading. You’ve neversacrificed anything for me, Mom. Not once.”

Her mouth falls. Chestnut eyes blare open.“Everything I did—”

“—Was for yourself and you know it,” I finish,voice unwavering.

Mom sinks into the chair, shame plastered on herface as she looks down at her plate.

“Come on, Toya,” Varen mutters, towing me out ofthe dining room. Daniel follows us.

“I’m sorry,” he says when we reach the front doorand put on our jackets. “I thought we could have a civilized dinner.”

I shrug. “Thanks for trying.” Then I give him ahug.

“I’ll see you,” Varen says without hugging hisdad. He steps outside first.

“Happy Thanksgiving.” I wave to Daniel and go outthe door.

Sadness flows within me. I wish there was a way tohave both our family and our love.

The drive home is quiet. I can’t handle Varenhiding his thoughts anymore, so the moment we enter the apartment I explode.“Okay, tell me what’s been going through that head of yours. You’ve beengetting more and more spacey, and you still won’t talk to me about the letteryour mom left you.”

He scowls. “Why do I need to share that with you?It’s a private message left behind by my dead mother; don’t you think I’d liketo keep that for myself?”

I sigh. “Of course you can, Varen. But I feel likeit’s bothering you somehow, especially after reading my diary.”

He blinks away from my gaze. I inch closer andtouch his arm. “Just tell me why you feel you don’t deserve me, cause that’sthe vibe I’m getting from you lately.”

Varen rakes over his hair. He exhales intensely.“Because I don’t.”

---