Page 35 of Only Forever

“There’s no reason for him to,” I said firmly. “We left on terrible terms and I want nothing to do with him. I still don’t forgive him for cheating on me.”

I tried to muster up some anger in me for what he had done, but it was faltering. Jason cheating on me paled in comparison to what I had done. I tried to shake the thought out of my mind. The only way I could survive is to never think of what had happened. It was the only way I could bear to live in thishouse, where it had happened. I tried to remember only the good memories that were made in this house, of me and my mother. But that didn’t make me forget what I was capable of.

Chloe and I ended the call after a little more chatting, and then I was left to my own thoughts. Now that the gates had opened, it was hard not to think about Jason. In the beginning after my mother had died, I had desperately wanted him with me. I felt so alone and lost, and I nearly called him multiple times. But then I would think about what I had done. I didn’t think I could lie to Jason about what had happened with Keith, even though I had lied to everyone else, including Chloe. But I didn’t think I could bear to see him looking at me with horror for what I had done if I told him. So I had never reached out to him. Thank God I never had, now that I knew he had moved on with his life and gone to South America.

I spent the rest of the evening knitting and watching TV, telling myself that nothing had changed. Jason wasn’t a part of my life anymore, and never would be.

Chapter Seventeen

I couldn’t deny that I was on pins and needles the next few weeks. Every time I heard a car door close outside, I tensed, convinced that it would be Jason. But it never was, and slowly things went back to normal. My life was an endless loop of working at my computer, knitting and watching TV. The sole excitement was getting a grocery delivery and hiding until the person left to retrieve my order from the front steps.

I had just finished work for the day and was closing down my computer when my doorbell rang. My heart stopped. No one ever rang my bell unless it was for a delivery I was expecting. I took a deep breath and told myself to calm down. It was probably a solicitor or something. Maybe some kid selling stuff for a school fundraiser. Whoever it was, they would leave when nobody answered the door.

The doorbell rang again, and I kicked myself for not having gotten a doorbell camera. I had toyed with the idea, but it hadn’t seemed necessary since I always knew who was at my door because it was always a scheduled delivery.

When the doorbell rang a third time, I grabbed my cell phone and crept from my desk, quietly making my way upstairs. I was careful not to step on any floorboards that would creak and give me away. It was ludicrous that I was hiding in my own house, but I was afraid whoever was at the door wouldn’t leave if they knew someone was home.

I made it upstairs and rushed into my bedroom that had windows facing the front of the house. I parted the curtains by a hair, peeking outside to see if there was a car. There was a black SUV parked in my driveway, and I felt anger rising. Who was this and why were they at my house? My home was the only sanctuary I had, the only place I felt safe, and even then, I hadto block the memories of what had happened in this house to be able to feel that way. I felt violated and angry.

I stepped back from the window and sat on my bed. My body was tense, waiting for the doorbell to ring again and praying it wouldn’t. I was hoping whoever it was would give up and leave, because there was no way in hell I was answering the door.

Instead of hearing my doorbell again, my cell phone started ringing, startling me. I grabbed my phone that was next to me on the bed, and my breath stopped short. It had been years since Jason’s number had appeared on the screen of my phone. Was that him outside? Was he calling because I wasn’t answering the door?

My thoughts were jumbled as the insistent ringing of the phone continued. There was no way I was going to answer the doororthe phone. The coincidence was too great that Jason was calling while someone was at my door. It had to be him.

I couldn’t lie that a part of me longed to see him. As stupid as it was, I had never fully gotten over him. But there was no way I wanted him to see me living like this. A shut-in that had let life get the better of her. I also reminded myself that the Jason I longed for was the version I had in my head. The loyal boyfriend who loved me. Not the cheater he turned out to be.

I was grateful when my phone stopped ringing. I heard a car door shut and an engine start. Thank God he was leaving. I didn’t dare try to peep through the curtains again. I didn’t want to chance Jason seeing me. It would make me look pathetic.

I was relieved when I heard the car driving away, but my heart ached a little when I looked out and saw the empty driveway. I had no idea why Jason had come to see me, but I had no plans of ever opening the door for him. I checked my phone and saw that he had left no voicemail. I told myself it was a good thing. I could just pretend that I had dreamed this all up and forget about him.

That was easier said than done. For the next few days, I jumped at every little sound, convinced that it was Jason returning. I couldn’t help wondering why he had come to my house, and what he had heard about me. He had to have heard about what happened to my mother through the grapevine, as our high school class was a gossipy group. He hadn’t come to see me then. Why now?

It wasn’t until a week later that my doorbell rang again. I was on my couch knitting and watching TV when it rang. My heart rose to my throat and I dropped my knitting. I took deep breaths to calm myself down. It didn’t matter if it was Jason or a Girl Scout selling cookies. I wasn’t opening the door and I was staying put on couch. I wasn’t going to let someone at my door send me scurrying to hide like a rat again. Whoever it was would leave eventually.

What I didn’t expect was for Jason to start yelling through the door.

“Daphne, I know you’re in there!”

It had been so long since I had heard Jason’s voice, and to hear him say my name sent shivers down my spine. I steeled my resolve. There was no way for him to know I was home, and even if he did, I had no obligation to open the door for him.

“I ran into Michael Portnoy, and he says you always order groceries through delivery because you never leave the house. He told me he works for the grocery store and is usually the one delivering your groceries.”

I was surprised that I could hear Jason so clearly through the door. And damn Michael Portnoy. He was a former classmate and I had on idea he was the one delivering my groceries. I never opened my door, and always waited for the delivery driver to leave before getting my stuff.

I jumped when Jason banged on the door this time instead of ringing the bell.

“I’m not leaving until you answer the door. I’ve got nothing to do the rest of today. Or night.”

Frustration welled inside me. Why was he here, and why was he insisting on seeing me? It had been three years. He hadn’t come when my life was falling apart. Why now?

I wanted to yell at him through the door, but I stayed silent. Hearing me would only encourage him to stay. He would get tired of my silence sooner or later, and leave.

Two hours later, I wasn’t so sure. He stopped ringing my doorbell, but he kept texting me. Every fifteen minutes or so, I would hear the the ping of my phone signaling an incoming text.

Daphne, please open the door.

I know you’re in there. I just want to talk.

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