Page 13 of Loathe

“Thanks. I appreciate that.” I went back to the kitchen.

My bare feet padded quietly across the tile floor as I perched myself on a stool at the island and watched as Tony made two sandwiches. I wondered why he was being so nice to me all of a sudden, but I wasn’t going to question it just yet.

“I know why you did what you did, Phoebe. If it were anyone else, they’d be out on their ass so feel lucky that you’re still here.” He slid a plate in front of me.

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Tony. You have no idea what it really means to me. I know our relationship has been rocky and that’s mainly my fault, but you have been my saving grace,” I admitted as I took a bite of the sandwich.

“Truce?” I asked as I swallowed the bite of sandwich.

Tony nodded in understanding as he ate his sandwich and we sat in silence for a while. Once we were finished with our sandwiches, I took his plate and started to clean up the mess as I waved him off to do whatever he needed to. I finished cleaning up the sandwich mess, washed the plates and silverware we had used so that the kitchen would be fresh for breakfast the next morning. I made my way from the kitchen to my room going past the main area as I went. I stopped at the doorway when Cameron caught my eye. The sight of him made my heart ache inside my chest.

Even though our relationship was supposed to be fake, I missed having him to talk to and I hated being alone all the time. I wanted him to come back and things be the way they had been before, but I knew things would never be the same because of what I’d done. I knew that I would have to let him have his time to be mad at me and hope he’d come around at some point and let me apologize. Even then I wasn’t guaranteed a second chance, but I knew then that if I could have one, I wanted it.

He was sitting on one of the couches with a few of the club whores circling around him trying to capture his attention. To my surprise, he wasn’t paying any attention to them and that made me wonder why. I watched for several minutes as the girls continued to tease and touch him trying to get him to look their way. I decided to keep my distance for a while and see what happened. He couldn’t want me for real, could he? That was a question I needed an answer to and I told myself I’d get it soon.

Chapter Twelve

Cameron

It had been days since the fight with Phoebe, and I had made sure to keep my distance. When she told me what she had done, I felt something break inside me in that moment, and it scared me. No one else had ever made me feel the way I did when those words slipped from her perfect lips. I saw her in the doorway of the main area a few days before, but pretended not to notice. I was busy trying to swat the club flies away from me as they swooped in to take possession of my body. I had no interest in them though and that bothered me. I had never let anyone get under my skin as much as Phoebe had. I used to be able to fuck two at a time, but all I wanted was to make myself not be mad at her so I could take her to my bed.

I craved the feel of her warm skin beneath my hands, and knew that even though she did a bad thing, she had a good reason for doing it. I knew that she had a fear of not being safe and when it came to the club, nothing was a guarantee unless she was a member. I didn’t understand why I was so fucking pissed at her when I really didn’t want to be. I wanted to hold her and tell her I wouldn’t let anything happen to her, but I couldn’t let myself do that for some unknown reason.

It had only been a few days since we’d talked, and I missed her terribly. I missed her just being near me and listening to me when I talked. No one had ever done that for me before, not even any of the club members. Being in a motorcycle club it wasn’t a normal thing to talk about feelings and such, but Phoebe did. She listened to what I had to say and let me know she understood what I was going through by telling me things she’d been through herself.

I noticed her watching me as I grabbed a plate from the kitchen, headed for a seat to eat my lunch, and I nodded my head in her direction. I didn’t know how I really felt, so I wasn’t ready to talk to her, but I wasn’t going to completely ignore her. I could feel her eyes on me the whole time I was eating and that made me wonder what she was thinking or feeling. I knew I had reacted harshly when I walked out of my room that day, and that our relationship was only pretend, but her words had hit me like knives and cut me deep inside.

I wondered what feelings she had over the situation, but I was too scared to ask her. I knew I shouldn’t have let myself lower the walls that had been built around my heart since it was only pretend, but I hadn’t even realized it had happened until I found out what she had done. I knew I was going to have to talk to her eventually, but I wasn’t sure when I was going to be ready to have that talk. I had no idea how I was going to handle it when she rejected me, which I knew was what she would do, because I was a fucking dumbass and caught feelings for someone that didn’t give a shit about me. Or did she?

I was about to get up from my spot when one of the other guys sat down across from me with his plate. He’d been in the club a lot longer than me and had helped show me the ropes when I first came in. I owed him a lot, but I had a feeling he was about to get on my bad side.

“You’ve got a big set of balls taking on the Prez’s ex like that,” he said as he shoveled food into his mouth.

“Why is that?” I asked with curiosity in my voice.

“Because, my boy, Tony is a very possessive man and even though they aren’t together and he is with someone new, he doesn’t like knowing someone else is touching what used to be his,” he said softly.

I took in what had been said and I thought about the fact he put me in charge of Phoebe and her actions. I wondered why he did that instead of just banishing us both from the club. I wanted to ask him about it, but I didn’t want to push my luck with Tony. I was grateful that he had punished me in the way he did even though I didn’t really see it as a punishment. There were a lot worse punishments I could’ve gotten instead. I stood from my seat and cleared my plate, making my way to the couch to try and watch some TV before I went to bed. I knew I could watch it in my room, but I didn’t want to be alone.

I hated being alone and that was something that I hated about myself. I had never really been able to be alone much and that led to many visits from the club whores I had tried to hide from the past few days. I’d watched the caretaker at the home I lived in live her life alone with no other adult to talk to or be romantic with. A few years after I aged out of the system I got word that she had died alone with no one to attend her funeral. I didn’t want to end up like her, so I’d never let myself be alone.

I saw Phoebe walk in from the corner of my eye and I could tell she was pretending not to notice me, but looking at me from the corner of her eye at the same time. I smiled a small smile and shook my head as I stood to leave. I made my way to my room to lay down, but quickly realized I’d rather stay awake if I could, because laying there alone was not something that I wanted to do. I laid there listening to the footsteps that thumped down the hall and wondered if any of them were Phoebe. My arms ached to hold her, but I didn’t know if it was because I was alone or if I was really beginning to feel something for her.

I wanted to talk to her, but I wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk to me. I was scared that she would reject me. I told myself that was stupid, and I didn’t need to act like I was in high school again, but no matter how I tried to make myself go to her I couldn’t do it. I wanted her to come to me first since she was the one that had done wrong. I knew deep down I could be waiting a long time before she came to me if she ever did and that thought made me sad.

I wasn’t sure how long the silent treatment between us was going to last, but I knew I was going to suffer until it was over. I couldn’t believe the effect she was having on me especially the disinterest in special company. There had been few women in my life that made me feel the things that Phoebe was making me feel and I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t want to lose her, but I wasn’t sure what I could do to fix things. I needed her to see that she was special to me and that what I felt was real even if she didn’t think it was. There had to be something special about this woman that my soul was grabbing onto, and I knew I had to figure out what it was before it drove me insane. I had to get to know her more and protect her from what scared her most. The problem was the way I felt about her was what scared me. It scared me, because I hadn’t felt that way in a very long time, and I was afraid that she was going to destroy me in the way she’d almost destroyed Tony. I’d been through something similar before, and I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it again. I decided I’d wait a bit longer before I approached her to give myself time to think things over no matter how much I missed her. I just wanted her to know I cared. Why was it so hard for her to let people in?

Chapter Thirteen

Phoebe

I woke up before anyone else did and decided I needed to get out for a while. I couldn’t stand to be there and see Cameron’s face, knowing I couldn’t have him now, fake or not. I wondered at what point the feelings became real and ruined everything. I should’ve seen this coming, using someone so young. But what choice did I have?

What a bitch, I always did this. Was it time to stop?

To make matters worse, he’d done so many things for me. He’d shown me kindness. He’d stood up for me. And even since our fight, I had seen at least four women hit on him. One had even tried to sit in his lap. He was prime real estate to them now that I had stayed away.

But he ignored most of them, politely but firmly pushed the one whore off him. Why? Was it for me? I didn’t know what to think of it. I was so used to being thrown away, cheated on, and abused. It was hard for me to tell when someone was genuine or know what to do with someone who meant the things they said about me.

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