Page 14 of Loathe

I drove until I ended up at the place I called church and sat there watching the people walk in and out. I watched as an older gentleman slowly made his way back to his car and thought to myself he looked like Maxum. I just hoped he was nothing like Maxum.

I felt drawn to get out and approach him, but told myself it wouldn’t be wise to walk up to a stranger, especially since I had no idea what kind of people my so-called father was employing. That just wasn’t something a person could do anymore.

Just as I was about to start my car and drive away, the man left his car and walked over to mine and motioned for me to roll down my window. I was unsure about doing it, but something inside told me to go ahead and do it. I pressed the button that made the window go down and gave the man a friendly smile.

“Can I help you with something, sir?” I asked cautiously.

“Good morning, dear. I couldn’t help but notice you seem a bit lost. Is there anything I can do to help you?” the man said with a smile.

“Oh, thank you for offering your help, but I’m not lost I just come here to think sometimes is all,” I replied.

“If you’re not lost, what is there to think about? If you need help finding your way just reach out to the one that can get you there,” he said with a wink.

“You’re a preacher?” I asked in surprise.

“Why, yes, I am. I’ve ministered to people for a long time now and I can tell when someone needs help only the good Lord can give them,” he replied.

“I don’t think I can be helped. I’ve been through too much shit in my life to recover from it, and I am too damaged for anyone to love me,” I said as tears filled my eyes.

“I know a man is never supposed to ask this, but how old are you, sugar?” he asked carefully.

I had to chuckle at his cautiousness in asking me that question. “I’m thirty-six,” I answered reluctantly.

The man rolled his eyes and made a dramatic production of my age, and I had to smile at his antics. He definitely wasn’t anything like Maxum.

“Oh goodness, child, you’re still a princess practically and you have plenty of time to right the wrongs you feel led to. If there are things weighing on your heart and mind, don’t you think you need to find someone to help bear your burdens with you? You don’t have to bear anything on your own once you find the one God made just for you. Don’t you want that?” he asked.

“Yes, I do, and I think I might have found that. I’m sincerely afraid to let anyone in and love me, because of things I have been through in my past. I’m not sure I will ever be ready to let anyone in again,” I said with a hint of sadness in my voice.

“You might still be young, but you’re not getting any younger, girl. Wouldn’t you like to have someone that can help bear your burdens with you?” he asked with a grin.

I knew the old man was right, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to let myself open up to Cameron. The last man I had remotely tried to open up to was married to someone else, and I was afraid the same thing would happen if I opened up to Cameron.

“I would love to not have to carry all this on my own, but I am afraid to open up to the one I care for. I’m afraid that once I do, he’ll stop caring for me,” I admitted to him.

The man shook his head as I spoke, and I could tell my words saddened him. “Young lady, you need to tell that boy everything, even if it might be a scary thing to you, and just let him decide how he’s going to feel about it,” he suggested with a smile. “If he’s the one God made for you, nothing you say will be able to push him away from you. He’ll love you no matter what.”

I knew he was right, and I nodded my head. I reached for my phone before looking up at the man’s kind face at the window.

“Thank you for talking with me and helping me realize some things.” Tears filled my eyes once again.

“It is my pleasure, sweetheart. I hope things work out for you and you get the life you’ve always dreamed of,” he said as he made his way back to his car.

I watched as the man got in his car and drove away, and I wondered for a moment if God had sent an angel to help me decide what to do. I was grateful for the help no matter where it came from, and I knew what needed to be done next. My hands started to tremble as I knew what I had to do.

I rolled the window back up and scrolled through my contacts looking for Cameron’s number. Once I found his name, I pushed the button that would dial his number, my hands shaking as I waited for him to answer. It rang several times, and I wasn’t sure he was going to pick up, but he finally did.

“Hello?” he said in his smooth voice.

“Cameron, I need you to meet me at my church.” The tears threatened to overflow.

“Phoebe, are you okay?” he asked sounding concerned.

“No, not really, but I will be once you get here,” I said.

“I’m on my way.”

He knew exactly where to find me since I’d brought him with me one time when I needed a moment to think. I didn’t tell him what I was thinking about at the time, but he was about to find out. Tears filled my eyes again as he pulled up beside me on his bike and jumped in the passenger seat. He looked at me with concern and started to say something, but I stopped him with a finger to his lips. This was it. This was the moment that would make or break me. I hoped I wouldn’t have to be broken anymore.

---