Page 27 of In the Name of the Father

“I can’t imagine that happening. But it doesn’t matter why you want to know. I need you to know. Ineedsomeone to hear what it was like, to tell me I’m not crazy because I don’t think that’s the way God wanted them to treat me or anyone else. I want everyone to know they’re wrong for what they did. I’m not a bad or evil person.” His voice hitched. “I-I’m not bad.”

“No, sweetheart.” Malcolm used one hand to caress Seth’s head. “Not bad at all. You’re a wonderful person. I can tell you have a lot of love in your heart.”

“Thank you. You can’t imagine how much that means to me.” Seth averted his gaze. “So many years I wanted to escape,somany. After I was released from the camp the first time, I thought everything would be okay. I assumed that I’d been cured, that my father would welcome me home with loving, open arms and that I’d get married, have a family and my life would be perfect from then on.”

Malcolm frowned.The first time? “I think I can understand better if you started from the beginning—at least as far as the camp is concerned. I’d assumed it was something you only went to once. How did you end up going the first time?”

Seth leaned into him. Malcolm wasn’t sure whether it was an unconscious movement or not, but one thing he knew for sure—Seth was starved for affection and touch.

“I’m sorry. I get things jumbled up when I’m nervous.”

“That’s all right, there’s no hurry. We have all day.”

“Okay.” Seth kept a tight hold on his hand. “I got caught messing around with Andy, one of the youth leaders at church. All we ever did was touch each other and a few times he…you know, with his mouth. But he was married with kids, so I didn’t know until he came after me the first time that he liked men.” Seth regarded him with rounded eyes. “I didn’t corrupt him, I swear.”

Malcolm frowned. “Of course you didn’t. Is that what they told you?”

“Yes. My father and the other church leaders said I’d tempted him like Eve tempted Adam, only what I’d done was much worse. I’d caused a fine, God-fearing man to commit adultery and perform deviant acts. Andy told them that it was like he’d been under a spell by Satan himself whenever I was around.”

Malcolm was on the verge of exploding into rage—the exact opposite of what would be appropriate for Seth. Instead, he channeled his energy into giving Seth the reassurance he needed.

“How old were you at the time?”

“Sixteen. But I knew better. I shouldn’t have let him touch me, but I thought I was in love. No one had ever looked at me before the way he did.”

Deep breath. “And this guy was, what? Thirty-something and a youth leader? You were manipulated, Seth. You weren’t at the age of consent. He took advantage of your naivete and used his position of power to convince you that what you were doing with him was okay.” Malcolm held in a growl. “Until you got caught. Then he used those same tactics against you to keep himselfout of trouble.”

“You’re right. I know in my heart you are. It’s hard, though. I’ve been told over and over and over that it was my fault.”

Malcolm lowered his hand to rub soft circles on Seth’s back. “I’m guessing they did more than just tell you it was your fault?”

“The camp was…” Seth hiccupped on a sob. “You know, I thought the one when I was a teen was bad. But this last time…” He gave a one-shouldered shrug. “I guess since I was a repeat offender, they needed to teach me a lesson.”

“Tell me about the first time, Seth.”

Malcolm knew Seth needed to get out all the pain to have any chance of healing.

“It was sort of like an army boot camp—except instead of being there for weeks, I was there for eighteen months. The first week after I arrived, I was locked in a dark room, completely alone and away from the others, so I wouldn’t infect anyone one with my extreme sin. Then I spent another week in a room located in one of the smaller buildings adjacent to the main one. I was alone and locked in that one as well, but at least there was light and a barred window. I had to go to daily therapy where I was forced to either write standards or recite Bible passages over and over. I’d have to write ‘I’m not gay’, ‘God hates fags’ or ‘homosexuality is evil’ or whatever they were in the mood to have me do that day.

“Then, I got put in with the regular population in the main building. We were at some shut-down school way out of town. I guess the Church had purchased it way back when, but I didn’t know it existed until I was drugged and taken there. But even though I was terrified, I tried to believe that God had a plan for me, to trust in him that everything would be revealed to me some day.” Seth let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “I don’t believe that anymore.”

“Were you able to escape those harsh punishments after the first two weeks?”

Seth barked out another angry laugh. “Those eighteen months were one, long extended punishment. Maybe it would be different from one day to the next, but whatever it was, it was designed to make you suffer.” Seth regarded him with dead eyes, with an expression Malcolm hadn’t seen from him before. “Because wesufferfor our sins. Whether it was the daily runs when it was a hundred degrees or snowing and you had blisters so bad that they were infected, or the room inspections where an unbuttoned collar meant your clothing was confiscated—we suffered. Or it could be the beatings with a paddle or only getting bread and water for a week if you accidentally brushed against another guy or were caught holding their gaze for more than a second—it didn’t matter what it was. They wouldfinda reason to punish us.”

“Seth…” Malcolm thought he would be sick.

“No, I need to keep going. Then I got out—finally. And like I said, nothing changed at home. If anything, my father looked at me with even more disgust than he had before. So, I set out to prove to him I was cured, I’dmakehim see how devout I was. I started dating the pastor’s daughter, went after her like she was a prize to be won. I had zero interest in her as a woman, and it was wrong for me to do that to her, but I was, I dunno…caught in some sort of frenzy. It’s hard to explain.” He snorted. “I think I’d gone a little crazy at that point.”

“With good reason. I’m humbled by how strong you are.”

“I wish I felt that way about it. Instead, I felt like a pathetic, weak nothing.”

Malcolm was on the verge of going a little crazy himself. “Please believe me, I see you as an inspiration. I have so much respect for you after what you went through.”

“Well, there’s more.”

“I’m here. I’m listening.”

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