Page 74 of Power Forward

I sit forward to pick up my coffee and take a sip before replying. “Yeah, it was. I handled it all wrong, though.”

“In what way?” she asks.

“Well, I shouldn’t have let Laura’s words get to me, first of all. She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, but it still hurt to hear it. Then I just surrendered to the voices in my mind emphasizing everything she said.”

“Can you tell me what she said to you?”

I suck in a deep breath and relay everything Laura said, including what went through my mind.

“I can understand that would be very upsetting to hear. Sometimes hearing the impact of our actions from someone else can feel a lot more significant.” She takes a sip of her drink and makes a note in her book. “Did you speak with Jackson before you left?”

“Yeah, I did. He…” The vision of him with hurt in his eyes and tears falling down his cheeks is something I never want to see again. “He was really upset, but he said he understood why I needed to come back to see you.”

“You told him your return to California was purely to see me?”

“Yeah.”

A small smile appears on her face. “That’s great, Hayden. You allowed him in. You communicated your needs and allowed him to support you.”

Oh, I never thought of it like that. I thought I was running away. Taking the coward’s way out.

“He said he’ll support me in whatever I need to do, but he’s not going to let me give up on them.”

“Them?”

“Him and the kids.”

She gives me another smile, and this time, I can’t help but smile too.

“And are you? Going to give up on them?”

I shake my head vehemently. “No. Never.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. It’s important to remember that you’re not a burden for asking for help or expressing what you need. I’m not going to say you’re not going to have bad days, but you’ve widened your support system now. And when you have those bad days, they may become easier to manage.”

“They did become easier while I was there. It didn’t feel so… heavy, sometimes.” I interlock my fingers together in my lap and massage my thumb into my palm. “It was like the storm cloud was there, but being around them kept me dry.”

“That’s good. I’m glad they could provide that for you.”

I take another sip of my coffee and glance over to the jellyfish. The lights turned pink, and it makes me wonder what Isabela would think of them. Would she find them as calming as I do? Maybe we could go to the aquarium when I’m back in Chicago.

Only when I’m living in Chicago, I won’t be near Roberta, which brings me to my next topic of conversation.

“I… I was wondering if we could revisit the option to have our sessions via video call.”

Her eyebrows lift slightly in surprise. I think this might be the first time I’ve ever surprised her.

“Of course. Can you tell me what has made you change your mind about doing video call sessions?”

“On my flight back last night, we had some pretty bad turbulence. The worst I’ve ever experienced, and I don’tknow if it was because I was already so emotionally charged, but I felt scared. My mind was already in overreaction mode, and I ended up sending Jackson a voice message.” I swallow thickly, wondering what he must be thinking after hearing that voice message and not being able to get hold of me because of my broken phone. “I said if I get another chance to make things right, I’d like to move to Chicago so I could be near him and the kids. And that would mean…”

“You wouldn’t be close by to have in-person sessions,” she says with a smile. “You know that’s always been an option, Hayden. I’m happy to adjust to suit you. You being comfortable and safe is the most important factor for me, and if that means we meet via video, I’m perfectly happy with that.”

A relieved breath whooshes out of me. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” She sips her matcha, then places it on her knee. “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss today?”

There is, but I’m not quite sure how to bring it up. It’s not something I’ve had to mention before because when I was trialing the different medications, having sex was at the back of my mind. But now, I have Jackson. He has reassured me no end of times that being able to get an erection isn’t a deal breaker for him, but I don’t want this to be my life.Ourlife.

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