Page 73 of Power Forward

I know, logically, nothing bad is going to happen. I’ve experienced turbulence several times over the years, but with how my anxiety is heightened right now, I can’t help but think negatively. And unlike those times when I’d stand in the ocean and wish for the waves to take me away, I don’t want this to be it. No matter what happens, I won’t let go of the tiny glimmer of hope in my chest that this isn’t how our story ends.

I need the opportunity to make things right.

Taking out my phone, I unlock it and tap on Jackson’s name. My heart wrenches on the last text I received from him.

Jackson

Let me know when you get back to California. I love you, Cas.

Then I take a deep breath and hit the button to begin recording a voice message, trying to keep my voice steady as I speak.

“Hey, Jax. I know you’re sleeping right now, and I hopethe kids don’t wake you up too early. I wanted to say I’m sorry for how I left things tonight. I hate the fact you saw me that way, and I hate that I allowed that part of my mind to win.” I swallow roughly and turn my head to focus on the rain pattern on the window.

“I’m ashamed of how I reacted. I shouldn’t have let Laura’s words get to me the way they did. She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know, but hearing her say it out loud… It fucking hurt, Jax. And I know we said we were going to put the past behind us, but I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you. But if I get the chance to make things right… I’ve been thinking… Maybe I could look for a place in Chicago. Somewhere nearby because I don’t expect to move in with you, especially when you’re working hard to establish stability and structure for the kids. I can keep my house in California. Maybe we can stay there in the off-season. We can take the kids to Disneyland and spend our days on the beach. I could teach Ryan to surf. I think he’d really like that.”

I smile at the memory of showing Ryan and Isabela the photos of the beach outside my house. Their excitement had me looking at it through a different lens. They peppered me with questions about the wildlife and whether I’ve seen any sharks.

“But most of all, I’d like to spend every day with you. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to you and falling asleep in your arms. I’d like to spend Christmas mornings with you, watching the kids open their gifts with so much excitement they don’t know what to open first. I’d like lazy Sundays with you, making pancakes and stealing kisses whenever the kids aren’t looking. I’d like to grow oldwith you—well,older, because fuck, Jax, that day we went to the market made me feel about one hundred and three.”

I let out a choked laugh, then bite down on my bottom lip, digging my teeth into the flesh. Just so I can feel something other than the fear lacing through every fiber of my being. I know he can most likely hear the shuddering of the plane that seems to only be getting louder. “I hope I’m not too late, Jax. I hope that you can forgive me for the pain I put you through, both tonight and all those years ago. I hope that you’ll let me make it up to you by loving you every day for the rest of my life. I love you, Jackson Wilde. I love you so fucking much,” I confess, my breath hitching on those last few words.

I release the button to stop recording and blink away the tears in my eyes before closing them tight. Digging my fingers into the soft leather of my chair, I grip onto the armrest and imagine Jackson’s smile and the sweet sound of the kids’ laughter and hope we can get through this storm so I can hear it again outside of my imagination.

We land safely in LAX several hours later. Both Mona and I shared worried glances throughout the flight, and I tried to distract her by asking her questions about what she did outside of work and where her favorite places to travel were. It seemed to help both of us, and soon enough, we were out of the worst of it. She told me all about her nephew and how he plays hockey. He’s around Ryan’s age, only he lives in Oregon. We joke that maybe they’ll face off against each other in the future.

As much as I enjoyed talking to her, I’m glad the flight is over. I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. My hips and knees ache to the point I’m unable to walk smoothly to the front of the plane.

The captain smiles as I shake his hand. “I apologize for the bumpy ride.”

“You must have nerves of steel because I sure didn’t back here,” I chuckle. “But thank you for getting us all here safely.”

“It’s my pleasure. Hopefully, it didn’t stop you from flying with us again.”

“Of course not,” I say truthfully, then turn to Mona and offer my hand. “Thank you for your company tonight. And make sure to email me, and I’ll get you some signed merch for your nephew.”

She gives me a soft smile. “Thank you, Mr. Cassidy.”

“It’s Hayden.” I wink, giving her hand a small squeeze. “Take care,” I say to them, then duck my head through the door.

I tense instantly, unprepared for the cold wind. I take the first few steps and wince. My joints feel like they’re grinding together, and then it hits me. With everything that’s happened tonight, I forgot to take my medication. I’m going to be paying the price tomorrow.

I go to grab the handrail, forgetting my phone is in my hand. It slips free, and I watch, wide-eyed, as it bounces off the tarmac.

“Fuck,” I mutter and continue to make my way slowly down the steps. When I pick it up, the screen is completely smashed. I guess I’ll be making a stop by the mall after Imeet with Roberta in the morning because I don’t want Jackson to be worrying about me.

The following morning, 9:00 a.m. on the dot, I’m sitting on Roberta’s aqua-blue couch, locked in a daze watching the jellyfish bob around the tank. The light is currently purple, and it’s almost like the tension from the last twenty-four hours is seeping out of me, limb by limb as they float around in such a gentle ease.

Roberta sits in her chair, feet tucked beneath her, notebook in hand. There’s a coffee on the table in front of me, and she sips on a matcha.

Minutes go by while we sit in silence. She knows I need this time watching the jellyfish to come back down. I wish I could own some of my own. Maybe that would help keep the bad days to a minimum. I looked it up once but then convinced myself that I would only kill them because I travel for work, and I’d be useless, but I don’t think that now.

“Are they easy to keep?” I ask, pointing to the tank.

“Yeah, they’re relatively easy. They require regular water changes. I usually change weekly, but not a full change. And as they require a certain temperature environment, you need to check often that everything is as it should be, but other than that, they’re pretty maintenance-free.”

I hum my approval. Okay. That’s not so bad. Maybe I can get some when I find somewhere in Chicago.

“Thank you for reaching out to me yesterday, Hayden. I can imagine that was a difficult thing to do.”

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