Page 62 of Twenty Years Later

I looked away to watch the quiet snow still falling outside, amazed at the peacefulness just outside the window, a peacefulness that went on despite the pain in my heart. Alex's hand on mine brought me back, brought me back to the present, away from that terrible night.

Fighting the sudden swell of tears in my eyes, I said, "But he was gone before they could get there."

Alex pulled me to him, bringing my head into his hard chest. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

Breathing in my Alex, I remembered those final few minutes as Blake lay on the floor, clutching his chest, the life draining from his face, the agony pouring through me, the terrible helplessness I felt, those last few spoken words between us as we realized thatthis was it, that he was going to die.

I'd never spoken about that time with anyone, not my parents, not my best friends, not even the therapist.

And I wasn't sure I could speak about it with Alex. It almost felt like something so intensely private, something no one else should ever know about, the whispered words between us, the final goodbye.

But even though I wouldn't discuss the entirety of it, I knew there was something I needed to tell Alex. I needed to tell Alex about my promise to Blake. I knew that I owed this amazing man next to me that much.

"Alex, there's something else I need to tell you..."

Chapter Twenty-One

Alex

There was more? I didn't know how she'd even managed to tell the whole story. It was more awful than I'd ever imagined. And I could read between the lines of what she hadn't said, fill in the blanks of that phone call, those last moments as Blake lay there dying.

How could she even stand to talk about it?

To live through that and then carry on the way she had took so much courage, so much strength. And my admiration for her grew stronger, if that was even possible. All these strange feelings rose up inside me as she spoke, an envy of the relationship they'd had, a sympathy for her like I'd felt for no other person before in my life, and a deep desire to comfort her, to take away her pain.

I held her as close to me as possible as I waited for her to go on, waited for her to gather herself. And in that quiet moment, I wondered what else she could possibly say. Her tone had been... well, the way she said it made me feel a little sick.

And the way she had trouble meeting my eyes, I knew I had to help her—or try to help her—through whatever this was. "You know you can tell me anything, sweetheart. What is it?"

Her eyes filled with unshed tears as she glanced at me and took another long breath. "Oh, God, this sucks."

Those words sent dread throughout my body, and I didn't know what to say, so I gave her hand another squeeze, hoping she'd tell me, even though part of me really didn't want to know.

"It's just..." She put the top of her head against my shoulder and sighed. "In those last moments, I kind of... well..."

I waited again, my heart starting to pound in my chest.

"Sorry. It's so hard to even say." She finally lifted her face to meet my worried stare, her eyes in agony. "I promised Blake I'd never be with another man. Never marry again. Anything."

Damn.What could I say to that? What did that even mean? Be with another man? We'd already broken that promise, hadn't we? So that explained where her deep guilt came from.

And never marry again? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. Of course, I had. I'd thought about marrying Jayda Jenkins for years. Since the age of sixteen. Maybe even fifteen. And most definitely, I'd thought about it recently.

That was the hope. That was the dream.

But it was too early to discuss it. I didn't want to scare her away. Sometimes, she seemed so skittish with me. I didn't even want to talk about love yet, let alone marriage. But it was always there in the back of my mind.

"Alex?" she asked, her hand gripping me. "What are you thinking?"

I let out a sigh and looked out the window at the beautiful scenery without really seeing it. My mind was a mess. I knew Jayda. And if she made a promise, she meant it.

But part of me was pissed off, I mean,reallypissed off. What the hell kind of man would ask that of his wife? Particularly a wife who was made a widow so young? That just didn't sit right with me. And it didn't seem like there was adamnthing I could do about it.

I wanted to get up and walk away to clear my head, to clear this cloud of anger. But I couldn't do that to Jayda, especially not after everything she'd just told me. Meeting her eyes, not sure if I was successfully hiding my anger, I shook my head. "Honestly, I'm not sure what to think."

Her tears spilled over then, and I felt like the world's biggest asshole. Clearly, she'd felt my anger. I closed my eyes and counted to five in my head.

Let's try that again. "I'm really sorry, Jayda. But it's upsetting to me to hear about that promise."

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