Page 19 of Saul

“Have you ever felt like this before?”

I shook my head then paused. “Maybe.”

“And what do you do to make you feel better?”

“No, I mean when I was a child. Not since I was a grown-up.”

“But baby,” Daddy said, “don’t you want to be Little now?”

I shook my head. I was hanging on by a thread, but apart from accepting comfort I couldn’t let go. “Have to be Big for downstairs.”

Daddy rocked me a little, and it was nice, but the clothes just seemed so big and wrong. “You mean grown-up?” Daddy asked, and I looked up at him.

“What is?”

“You said the clothes looked so big.”

I had? I looked over at them. “They’ll be scratchy.”

Daddy’s cell phone dinged, and I knew it would be Ricky, wanting to know if I was ready. We were going to have some pictures taken first. I had to be a grown-up and get dressed, but I knew I was shivering at the very thought. “Baby? Do you think you can be a big brave boy while I just go try and fix something? It means I just have to step outside, but I promise I’ll be right back.”

“Promise?” I could hear my voice getting higher. I had to snap out of it, and he handed me my phone.

“See the time?” He pointed to the clock on the screen. I always had an analog clock screen as I liked it better than just the numbers. “Well, when the big hand gets to the top I’ll be back.”

I nodded and found a watery smile.

Daddy sat me on the bed and got my blanket and tucked it around me so I was warm. Then he promised again he would be back, picked up his phone, and left.

I hated it immediately and stared at the outfit I was going to have to wear. We’d spent months planning this weekend. I had no choice. I couldn’t let Ricky down.

Saul

I’d never been so glad that both suites were nearly together as I rushed down the corridor, lifting my hand to knock, admiring the obviously hand-painted beach scene on the door. It showed two pairs of bare feet and two outstretched hands clinking fancy champagne flutes. Beyond was a view of the ocean and a gorgeous rainbow. Chris opened the door right away, and he took in my expression. “What’s wrong?” He kept his voice low, and I guessed so Ricky couldn’t hear from what I assumed was the bathroom based on the singing I could hear, and I smiled despite my worry.

“Calvin, and I don’t know what to do. He’s got himself worked up understandably from today, and he’s putting on a brave face but he’s shaking, and we cuddled, and he’s got Tiny, and I don’t know what tosay.” It was killing me that there wasn’t a Calvin manual.

Chris regarded me thoughtfully. “I’m sure Ricky would understand,” but I was already shaking my head.

“He won’t let him down, and that’s piling on the anxiety even more. I asked if he had any coping mechanisms, and he said none since he was a kid. All he brought is the bear and a blanket,but neither are working, or not working enough.” I glanced at my phone. I had four minutes. There was no way I was breaking a promise.

“I remember what happened with Ricky earlier and you gave him a binkie but unless he’s hiding it somewhere he doesn’t have one.”

“No,” Chris said. “He doesn’t use them, as far as I know. Steven was uncomfortable with a lot of it I think, so Calvin hid whatever needs he might have. In public, certainly. Ricky doesn’t have a spare binkie, and there won’t be any adult ones you can buy downstairs.”

“Daddy, I’m going to—” We both looked over at Ricky, who was standing with a towel on and nothing else. “What is it?” he said, his voice immediately rising in panic. “It’s Cal isn’t it? And he ran to the door, but Chris caught him.

“He’s just really anxious after this afternoon,” I explained hurriedly, “but he doesn’t have a binkie, and I was hoping you would have an idea how I can help?”

“He won’t use a binkie. He doesn’t feel safe enough,” which shocked me into silence. Had he been hiding his Little all this time? No wonder he was unravelling.

“Is there anything else you can think of?”

Ricky bit his lip and looked at Chris. “I know what I need when my feelings get messy.”

Chris’s face softened and nodded. He stood and went into the bedroom. “But you have to be a proper Daddy,” Ricky said, “or you’ll make it worse.”

I frowned in confusion. “A proper…” But I ran out of words when I saw what Chris came out holding.

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