Page 20 of Saul

“This is a new unopened pack. I brought extra in case you needed them on all the time, but we still have plenty,” he said to Ricky, and brushed a kiss on his head as he walked past. Hegrabbed a towel to wrap around the plastic so it couldn’t be seen and passed it to me.

I took it gingerly like it was an IED. Chris looked at me steadily, like he had all the confidence in the world in me. I glanced at my cell. I had a minute. “I think we should see you downstairs.”

Chris jerked his chin, and I let myself out, clutching the pack of diapers. It seemed to take a lot longer for me to walk back to our suite, but I let myself in and went straight to the bedroom. Calvin hadn’t moved. Two big, anxious tear-laden eyes met my gaze and everything in me relaxed. I’d been stepping up since I was eighteen years old, longer probably, and there was no way I was going to fail this mission. Calvin was way too important. I carried on to the bed, sat, and lifted Calvin and Tiny—still bundled up—back into my lap, admitting to myself that I liked him there. I liked it a lot.

“Ricky sent these.” I unwrapped the towel, and he froze, but I just carried on like it was no big deal. “Ricky says he puts them on when his feelings get messy and that it helps. I think your thoughts and feelings got really messy this weekend and you deserve some time off from them. So, we’re gonna get you all cozy, and then you can put on those pants and they won’t feel scratchy because this is soft, see?”

All the time I’d been saying that I opened the pack and pulled one out. “Feel how soft that is.” I offered it to him, not sure of his reaction, but he uncovered a hand from the blanket and cautiously reached out to touch it. I gently booped his nose and he half-smiled. “Do you think you could be brave enough to try?”

Calvin lifted those big eyes to me in utter wonder and I couldn’t resist a kiss. A gentle one, even though I wanted more, but this was too important to make him late. “Have you heard of the traffic light system they use in BDSM clubs?”

Calvin nodded. “Red for stop, yellow for pause and I need to talk, and green for okay.”

“Good,” I praised. “Can you tell me what color you are now?”

His eyes got even bigger. “Green,” but then he winced a little. “Maybe quite a bit yellow.”

I cupped his cheek. “Good boy for telling me. Shall we try, and then if you don’t like it I can take it back off?” He pressed his lips together but nodded slowly.

I laid him back and unwrapped him. “I’m going to call you my baby-burrito,” and this time his smile was wider. I unwrapped him, towel as well, and made sure he was properly dry. Shame I didn’t have a little baby powder. I opened the diaper up. It was bigger, obviously, but my sister had expected a full-service babysitter, so I’d done this before. I liked how the boy ones were a bit roomier in front, but they still held him snugly. I helped him stand. “How does it feel?”

“I don’t know,” he said, but he didn’t sound as panicky as before—worried, yes, but not trembling.

“That’s my good boy,” I said genuinely, and his face lit up nearly instantly so I filed that away. Praise was definitely a thing for him. I picked up his socks. “Hold my shoulders and lift one foot.” He did exactly as I asked, and I was soon sliding his pants over his padded bottom.

“Is it too tight?” He shook his head. Clever Ricky had bought the pants with stretchy material and they clung really nicely but weren’t too tight. I couldn’t resist sliding my palm over his ass and I thought the shiver this time was for a different reason. I finished getting him dressed and his smile kept peeking out.

“Such a good boy,” I praised again. “Now, if at any time you want it off, to either change it or simply go pee in the bathroom, just tell me and I’ll make sure you can either manage or I’m here to help.”

He stared at me. “Why don’t you mind?” His voice hitched, and I wrapped my arm around him.

“I love helping you, and I’m honored you trusted me enough to try.”

Calvin half shook his head in disbelief as if he found the concept anyone would care about him unbelievable, and I swear if Steven had been in front of me right that moment there wouldn’t have been enough of him left for a body-bag.

I held out my hand, and he took a step, then stopped. “I know it probably feels strange but think of it like when I give you a hug.”

Then he giggled, and I grinned in relief. “You don’t hug my bottom, Daddy.”

“Well, let’s just see when we go to bed later, hmm?” And I waggled my eyebrows and guided him out, keeping a very firm hold of his hand.

Chapter eleven

Saul

Ihad to admit the boys looked good in the photos. Grinning, Angie the photographer had set everything up, and one pic was of them both hugging, standing in the middle of a huge bunch of glittery balloons. Then Angie took some of Chris and Ricky and asked me if I wanted some of me and Calvin. Calvin hitched his breath when she asked, as if he wasn’t sure what my reaction would be. Two days ago, I would have stood for one to keep up the pretense, but this time I knew exactly what I wanted and sat on one of the sofas, pulling Calvin on to my lap.

“Daddy?” Calvin whispered, looking nervous.

“Baby?” I cupped his cheek and turned him so he was looking at me. “I was feeling all lonely over there,” I whispered, “and as my boy, it’s your job to help with that.”

“It is?” I had all Calvin’s attention, and I forgot the pictures, the people, as everything fell away but the boy in my arms. “You scare me,” Calvin whispered.

It took me a second to absorb that. Indignation and refusal warred, but I managed to keep it together. “I scare you?” How? Why?

He pressed his lips together. “I’m scared because you make this seem so real.”

Which took me another few seconds to work through. Surely he’d be scared if itwasn’t real?Wait, was he scared for me, not because of me? “Do you mean because you don’t feel the same way about me?” Was he play-acting? Just putting on a good show for the weekend? Everything in me chilled at that thought.

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