Page 3 of Broken By It

What the absolute fuck am I going to do?

ONE

MARITZA

“You knowyou don’t have to work here, hija. I can talk to your dad.” She sighs, “I know he worries and wants you here, but you need to have a life for yourself.”

I smile softly at my mother, “no place I’d rather be.”

It’s hard this dynamic of growing up. Watching my parents who have always taken care of everything actually needing help. Of course my mother will never ask or admit she could use a hand. It’s not in her spirit. My father knows this and asked me to step in and show up. She will never turn me away, but she also won’t admit she could use me even to simply hang around. She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known. What she’s going through now and how to process it?

I don’t know what to feel.

I’ve never felt so helpless. I can’t take this away. I can’t do anything. There is absolutely no bargaining any of us can do to fix this. We have zero control.

I love family. I live for my family. Working here is not a burden, I enjoy it. Growing up, there were times I rode the bus here afterschool to work with my mom rather than go home. My dad never complains about any of us being on the compound or at any Hellions business or function. Rather, he likes having usclose. Especially me and my sister, Mariella. The term smother mother is cute, but for us, it’s our father who struggles to let us be independent. Especially when it comes to his girls. My brother, he allows more freedoms because bro-code I suppose. I don’t really get the dynamic on why he worries more about my sister and me, but it seems it’s that way with everyone around us.

While at times it’s frustrating, like first dates, overall, I know it’s because he cares. This isn’t about him keeping tabs on me, but to keep me safe he feels like he needs to know every move I make. He wouldn’t do anything that would hold me back from pursuing my dreams. Me working here isn’t about control (even though he definitely likes to be the one in charge). One thousand percent he is asking this because my mother can use the extra hand. Convincing her, that’s a whole other thing.

“I’m off for the summer from school and I want to learn it all. You know this. Think of it as an internship of sorts. I want to study business, what better way than working in a family business.”

My mother smiles sweetly, “I know your motives, Maritza. You worry too much! I told you I’m fine.”

Fine.

It’s a word that used to not bother me. Now it grates on my nerves because I know she will keep saying she’s okay when she might not be. Fine is like her new crutch word. That is all she keeps saying over and over again since the diagnosis. She’s fine. She’s always fine. There isn’t a moment in my life that she hasn’t always been okay. But it’s okay to not be okay … only I can’t tell her that. She is my mother, and she will still ground me or at least try to.

She is the woman who always fixes every problem, kissed every scratch when we were tiny, and stands up for what she believes in at every turn. Our matriarch.

And now she has cancer. The super woman she is, she plans to keep working through her treatments, like it’s no big deal. Since, I’m on summer break before my college courses, I decided not to give her a choice. I will be here by her side every day.

She works in the Hellions mini storage office. Monday through Friday this is her so called nine to five. When I was younger, she was a stay at mom until this time period where things were a little bit different. I don’t remember much, only that my dad and mom separated for a bit. Doll was leaving the area to follow her heart, meaning going off with her man, Tripp to Catawba.

Back then, Tripp was the Hellions Catawba president. Doll being Roundman’s daughter it was a serious adjustment to have her leave with a brother. Everyone talks about Roundman and the bullet he put aside with Tripp’s name on it. Old Roundman stories are the best. He’s been dead years now and still his legacy lives on. When the time came, Tripp took over Haywood’s Landing and Doll is back home. By then though, mom was running things here and Doll wanting to raise her kids didn’t mind leaving my mom in her position at the office. Doll works here some and, in the garage, now that her kids are older, but mostly, Doll takes care of all the families. Whatever a brother needs for home life, Doll takes it on.

Doll offered to pay my mom to stay home during her treatments, but mom said no. She wants to work and doesn’t want this taken away from her. While we all wish she would rest, I understand my mother’s need to stay busy. She wants everything to feel normal. I don’t know how to give her normal when she’s facing this disease.

For now, I feel the need to be with her and help even if she doesn’t actually need it. Time is a thief, and I don’t want it to steal any moment I have with her no matter the outcome of her diagnosis.

I didn’t lie. I am off for the summer. My dad even suggested I work here to get business experience. I think he feels better knowing what is to come that she is not alone. The treatments have side effects. The doctors have been clear with us. She has stage four cervical cancer. Her survival rate is not good statistically.

Fuck the statistics is our family attitude. None of us are giving in to this disease.

I have spent too much time down the rabbit hole of internet searches. The treatment is a tough one to endure. My father agrees we need to stay ahead of it. Since mom doesn’t want to give up working, we will make sure she can do it as long as possible while being comfortable doing it. I’ll learn everything before she gets through the second or third round, I hope. The goal is to have it where I can run things here alongside her. In the event she needs to take an absence or two, I can hold it down for her.

At least for the summer. When fall comes, we will reevaluate the needs of my mother, the business, and how that fits with my education. Neither of my parents want to hinder me from following my dreams. If I am honest, though, my future is not the same without my mother. Anything they think I want ahead is all a blur as my focus is solely on seeing her through this treatment and to the other side.

Luckily, I decided not to go away for college. My plan is to study accounting at the University of North Carolina, Wilmington. The daily drive will suck sometimes, but being home to help my mother is worth it. Once classes begin, I’ll figure out how to juggle school and being here. I’m hopeful I can do most of them online and adjust things to manage the office while keeping up with school.

Originally, I wanted to study psychology but after watching some friends struggle with their mental health, I learned quicklyI don’t have the mental capacity to compartmentalize. I feel what they feel, I take on other people’s problems and emotions as my own. Try as I might to stop it, I can’t, and it is exhausting. I can’t seem to keep my own heart and emotions separate. Therefore, I quickly realized I am not equipped for that line of work.

I took a test once from a magazine article. I’m an empath. I feel what everyone around me feels just as equally. Knowing I would emotionally take on everyone’s problems, I decided I should follow a different career path. At first, the idea of sorting a career felt daunting when I had this intrigue into emotions, mental health, and the motives that control people. It hit me randomly one day, I am actually pretty good at math.

Numbers are simple.

The sheet needs to balance. Find ways to make it balance. Accounting calls to me because it is all controllable. The more I looked into the career path, it all called to me.

Life can feel out of control sometimes, but the money is what it is. The dollars are either there or they aren’t. Positives and negatives, cut and dry.

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