Page 2 of Broken By It

Throughout the years, I have often wondered where she is, does she think of me? The older I get, though, the less I can allow myself to care. She is doing whatever it is she involved with, and I’ve had a good life without her.

Now I want to forge my own path in this world. I have signed the papers and leave in one week for basic training, also called boot camp. I am going to be one of the few, the brave. I am going to be a United States Marine.

The only thing left to take care of before I go is Anna.

My girlfriend for the last three years. We have had our ups and downs, misunderstandings and such, but she’s the one I want to spend this life with. Today I’m buying the ring, and I’ll propose before I leave. This will give her something to hold onto until I can hold her again.

TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD

“Anna, I can’t fucking do this shit with you,” I yell into the phone. “I’m trying to get there. You gotta give me time, please. It isn’t you call, and I get off work like you think, damn.”

“What do you want from me!” She screams back. “You wanted to be married. You wanted me to follow you to this shit hole place. You wanted a baby. I gave you everything. When I need you, then you need to be here for me!”

I want to scream! This is the same argument she has every motherfucking day. When does it end? From the moment she got here, the house was too small, I didn’t make enough money, I was gone too much. The list of everything that pissed her off goes on and on. I didn’t put my toothbrush in the same hole in the stupid holder every night. I hang my towels wrong. It doesn’t matter how hard I try; I correct one thing and then poof she comes up with another problem.

“Life doesn’t work that way. And these decisions we made together. You were an active part in every single one. I asked you to come, you said yes. Stop acting like I drug you off kicking and screaming.”

When does this shit end? Fuck my life. Yes, she followed me here. But I gave up my career for her. When my re-enlistmentcame, I declined. Since we don’t have any savings, we are stuck here. I refuse to ask my family for money. My job options aren’t great. I was an infantry Marine. Who needs that in a civilian job? Sharp shooting is a skill, sure, but it’s not something to put on job applications or a resume. I didn’t go to college. I joined the service right after graduation.

I had a plan.

Maybe that was the problem. I committed to the plan and didn’t adapt and overcome as the circumstances changed. Not once did I stop to think things wouldn’t go according to my plan. I didn’t account for how the lifestyle would be for Anna or myself. It’s a contract, a commitment. Being active duty isn’t a regular job. I spent time away training; I couldn’t get out of it. Anna didn’t like the military wife life. It is hard on her to be alone. Some women are cut out for it, the flexibility and independence required. I saw guys in my unit who had thriving marriages with wives who handled their absences okay. I’m not saying it’s easy. Far from it, actually, from both sides. Two people in love don’t want to be apart. Which is why I also came across many already divorced. I can’t say it’s a woman problem as much as it’s a couple problem. Different couples, different situations.

I get it. For us, it is me. I’m the problem. I brought her here. I changed her whole world. When I decided to join, I didn’t think about all she would sacrifice to be with me. Somehow, I thought this would all go easily. We would build this life together and live in marital bliss.

The life of a service member isn’t easy, but honestly, it’s harder on their family. I signed the service contract. I agreed to go where the orders, the missions sent me. She is stuck being along for the ride regardless of her own desires. The day she said I do at that courthouse; she took on a different role than we both anticipated.

The mind of being young and in love clouds the reality of life as adults. Resentment is real and before long she was drowning in it. All of her dreams had been on hold for me.

Anna wanted us to have a baby, but not at the risk of me deploying or going away for even a weekend field training. It made sense what she needs from me. At least in the beginning, I understood how difficult this all is for her. As time passes, I don’t know.

Doesn’t love mean compromise? When will she stop blaming me for everything? Really, I don’t know much of anything anymore. Can I help her? Can this work? How can I be home with her and support us at the same time? The weight of the world is on my shoulders and it’s crushing me. How can I keep our family together?

I gave up the Marines. My income, my benefits, my retirement, and my pride, I gave it all up for her. Trying to support us, there hasn’t been money to go back home to Iowa. My last duty station was here in North Carolina. I feel stuck here. Since I’m not active duty, base housing is no longer an option. Everything feels stacked against me. I’m hanging on by a thread.

I got us a little trailer in this small town outside of Jacksonville, but making things work is hard. Bills keep coming. I promised Anna she could be a stay-at-home mom, and I’m doing everything I can for her and our son. As soon as I got to the end of my active service, she went off her birth control. Quickly, she had a positive pregnancy test and Hollis Dillon Jacoby is here! A son, my bundle of life, he is everything to me.

The moment Hollis came screaming into this world, nothing has been more important than him. His safety, his well-being, his needs, and his wants. There is no love like that of a parent to a child. This first two months of his life have been a whirlwind between sleepless nights and working, while wanting to be with him as much as I can I already feel stretched too thin.

Unfortunately, no one prepares any parents to be about the post-partum life. Everything about Anna changed after Hollis’s birth. The time I served taught me to adapt and overcome. I should have been able to help her navigate this new life. Her changing wasn’t the problem.

It’s me.

I have been an issue for her.

Nothing I do is right. Everything practically brings her to tears.

Which is why she asked me for a divorce. Talk about soul crushing reality, that is it. The woman I love more than anything in this life other than our son wants to divorce me. She can’t stand the thought of a future with me. I have slept in my car for a few nights until she finally let me back in the house. There isn’t enough money for me to get a hotel room or rent another spot for me. I don’t want have friends here. Sure, I know people, but not well enough to air my dirty laundry by asking for a place to stay. I will do anything for this to work. I’ve basically begged like a fool for another chance.

I don’t know that this return home is about me as much as she doesn’t want to handle the night feedings with Hollis. She needs her sleep, I understand. Honestly, I’m grateful that she doesn’t like waking up with him. I love the quiet of each night with my boy. The way he falls asleep on my chest in the chair until he wakes again for a diaper change, or another bottle is this special home for me. I’ll do anything to keep my son in my arms, in my life, and no matter what I’ll never walk away.

To me, this is my only hope to holding onto this family we have built. It comes at a price though, one I’m not sure I’m able to pay. Bend to her every demand or she’s out and taking my son with her.

“If you even want me to consider being a family again, you have to help me, Dillon. This is your son. I can’t do this alone.”

I slam my hand on the steering wheel of the beat-up Chevy Trailblazer. “Dammit, Anna. You know I’m all in. For fucks sake, I didn’t re-enlist. The bills have to be paid. I have to work. I can’t keep calling out or taking off early. Can’t you see I’m trying?”

“Try harder,” she mutters before the line goes dead.

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