Page 27 of Lust

Quick scenes flash through my mind: I take his mouth, throwing him onto the bed, having my way with him. He wants me to take the lead, to show him how good it can feel.

I have my own fantasies about him, but I know these are his, and I hate myself for prying into what should be his secret thoughts.

I ball my hands into fists, steadying myself to keep from losing control and giving him exactly what he wants. What it feels like heneeds.

“You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” he asks, cringing.

“I can’t help it.”

His cheeks turn the prettiest shade of pink. He really is Pretty Boy right now. “This is so awkward.”

“I’m sorry.”

“If you can’t help it, no need to apologize.”

As we stand in uncomfortable silence, I notice a picture frame on his desk. He’s young, maybe nine or ten. I assume those are his parents standing on either side of him. It reminds me of other things I already know about the guy. His losses. His pain.

“Seems like you’ve been trying to avoid me for the past few days,” I say. “Not that I blame you.” Although, there’s a primal part of me that’s pissed, as though he’s depriving me of something that’s rightfully mine.

“Yeah,” he says. “I needed to clear my head.”

“What have your thoughts been since we talked?”

He places his palms behind him on the desk and leans back. “Depends on when you ask me. At times I think you, Cody, and Seth are out of your minds and that you’ve pulled me into your delusion. Other times, the longer I spend stressing out, the more I fear I’ll be potentially responsible for causing other people’s deaths. Then there’s this selfish part to it…and trying to avoid you has been so…” His chin trembles and his eyes water. “Do you have any idea how fucking hard it’s been to try and avoid seeing you?”

More than you know.

“How are you holding up?” I ask.

His jaw tightens as though I’ve only highlighted the pain he’s experiencing.

“When I saw you in the hall at General Classroom the other day,” I say, “it was like a spear to my chest. I had to run to the restroom and take a minute to recover.” I’m hoping if I disclose my own experience, maybe he won’t feel so uncomfortable sharing his.

He blinks a few times, glancing around his room. “I don’t know… The image of razor blades lodged in my chest comes to mind.” He chuckles, but the strain in his expression tells me it’s not much of a joke. “Staying away has only fucked with my head even more. Feels like it about near killed me. Before I knew who was knocking, I was terrified it was just Alexei coming back for something he forgot, and then I would’ve started crying because I can’t fucking stand this.”

As much as it pains me to hear him say it, it’s a relief too. “I promise it’s painful for me too.”

He smirks and finally looks at me. “Well, it does cheer me up to know it hurts you too. Some kind of fucked-up schadenfreude, right?”

I snicker.

“This is so strange,” he goes on. “I shouldn’t have this kind of feeling about someone I don’t even know. And I’m supposed to be thinking about my future and if I’m putting other people’s lives at risk, and yet I can’t get out of my mind what we did in the woods.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, I’m guessing you didn’t come over here to hear me bitch and moan about whatever messed-up chemistry we have.”

“I know I may not seem like it from our initial interactions,” I say, “but I can be a good listener.”

He does a double take, like he’s surprised by the comment.

“But as far as why I came over, I wanted to tell you that Cody wants to meet with you. He thinks it might help if you can see the vision and decide for yourself what you believe.”

“Really?”

“He hopes he’ll be strong enough by Friday.”

“Seth must be so happy about this.”

“Cody made it clear it’s not Seth’s decision.”

“Even though he stirred up all that shit in my head, I think I’m already starting to like him,” he says with a chuckle.

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