Page 124 of The Grief We Hold

It was the way we sat against that tree until it went dark, just talking. About what happened, about how it felt, and how we want to live the rest of our lives.

Without even knowing what I meant about a dom being in top space, she knew how to ease me while I was in it.

Felt like some real pagan shit, fucking her on the dirt beneath the trees, letting it unite us both in a way I didn’t think possible.

“Congratulations,” Catfish says.

“Fucking jealous, brother,” Smoke says.

He caught up with me the day after the picnic. He’d known we were there, had even come by while Raven was sleeping in my arms to see if we needed anything.

If you got a woman you can trust, love, have kids with, and fuck into the dirt, you’re a lucky man.

He told me he wanted the same.

I asked for a vote at church yesterday. It was unanimous.

And now I had a woman to hand it to. But there is something I have to do first.

“Thanks, brothers. Means a lot. You mind if I check out today to go put this on her?”

Butcher shakes his head. “Go do what you gotta do to get her to accept it.”

I didn’t tell them I already asked her and knew what her answer would be.

The flower shop is on the edge of town, and I call in on my way to where I’m going.

And I’m sure the florist thinks I’m a cheating bastard when I pick up two large bunches of flowers and one small one. But as I pull up to the cemetery where Hallie and Lottie are buried, I find it hard to care.

I grab the pale pink long-stem roses and the little pink buds, then step out of the truck.

The sun is shining through the new leaves unfurling on the trees. And when I reach their grave, the sun hits the ground in rays, landing straight on the headstone.

I place a palm on the cool gray marble, and the ground is dry as I sit in front of them.

“Hey, Hals. Happy birthday, Lots.” I lay the flowers on the grass above them. Hallie always loved pale pink. Was the color of her wedding flowers and bridesmaids’ dresses.

“I want you girls to know I will always love the two of you.”

I look up at the leaves on the tree and take a deep breath as the tears sting.

“It’s just…I’ve missed your constant chatter and babble, Lots. The way you were always so excited to see me when I came to pick you up out of the crib after a nap. The way you’d throw those chubby little arms of yours around my neck. I can’t help but wonder who you would have become and it hurts to know I’llnever find out the answer. And cover your ears for the next bit because it’s for your momma.”

I wait, imagining her as she was, in her highchair in the kitchen, when she’d cover her ears or her eyes and playfully laugh.

“It’s been lonely without you, Hals,” I continue. “I miss having someone to come home to. Someone who’ll listen to me. Who’ll ease me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I thought I was going to, because no one else would be you. But I met someone. Her name is Raven. And I really need to know you approve, Hallie. Because it would fucking kill me if you didn’t. She’s kind, hardworking, and brave. And, no, she isn’t you, because no one could replace who you were to me. But she’s also everything I thought I couldn’t have or didn’t deserve again. She’s fast become the sun that gets me up in the morning. I loved you hard, Hallie. Real fucking hard.”

The tears spill over now as I run my fingertip over the year she died engraved into the marble.

“But it’s time to say goodbye. I couldn’t say it the day we buried you. Couldn’t say it when I was killing anyone I thought was involved. But it’s time now. I’m sorry I wasn’t there at the end. But I hope I was a good enough husband and dad while you were alive that you don’t hate me for it. And I hope you can understand why having Raven see me through the rest of my life is a second chance at happiness. It’s fucking unfair that it wasn’t us, Hals. But it’s time to make my peace with being allowed to find the same kind of joy with someone else.”

I wipe my eyes with my hands, then run them through my hair.

“You sweet girls will always have a special place in my heart. Hallie, you’ll always be the one who wrangled the boy into a man. Lottie, you’ll always be my eldest daughter, no matter who follows. And Fen will learn who his sister was. He’ll know whoyou both were. You won’t be forgotten, I promise. But it’s time to let myself love and be loved by someone else.”

I kiss my fingertips and press them to the cold stone. Then stand.

Despite the tears, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

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