Page 125 of The Grief We Hold

Grief is a weird thing. It changes form and intensity. It’s like a receding tide that occasionally rushes back to shore thanks to a big wave. It never goes away. I’ll always have been married before. I’ll have had a child before. The things I do with Raven and Fen in the future may remind me of Hallie and Lottie in my past.

But the melancholy shifts. I can simply remember their smiles and be happy about it.

I use the walk back to the truck to ground myself, and realize that I’m proudly walking to Raven, not sadly walking from Hallie. And my heart seals itself back together.

When I get to the apartment, I grab the colorful wildflowers and the cut, then let myself in. Raven was grateful I’d thought to keep the spare key and didn’t ask for it back. I got her a key to my place…even though she doesn’t have a truck to get there.

I’m working on getting them a vehicle, though.

There’s music playing through a phone. Some cartoon princess song. And I can hear Fen and Raven belting it out at the top of their lungs. I pause in the stairwell, certain they can’t hear me over the top of their performance.

Raven can carry a tune but doesn’t know all the words. Fen can’t sing at all but loudly shouts all the lyrics. He squeals with laughter when Raven hits an excruciatingly high note.

And everything I said in the cemetery is true.

It’s been lonely without this in my life. I step up the rest of the stairs and watch the two of them. They’re dancing, Raven spinning Fen around in circles.

I put the flowers down on the table and step in to scoop them both into my arms.

Can I dance? Fuck no.

Hallie wanted me to line dance with her, and I refused point blank.

But this? With my two favorite people in my arms in the privacy of our own place where no one else can see me? Yeah, this I can do.

“Axel,” Fen says, throwing his hands around my neck.

I love that he’s comfortable using my real name and how that might change to Dad eventually. “Hey, bud.”

Raven tucks herself into my other arm. “We’re not ready. I’m sorry. We just decided to have a dance party, and one thing turned into another.”

I press a kiss to the top of her head. “Dance parties are important.”

Fen wiggles out of my arms, and I put him on the floor before I gather Raven close again. “Wanna make more babies with me?” I ask.

Raven looks up at me and smiles. “I think we should. With our gorgeous genetics, it would be rude not to.”

Her answer makes me laugh, and I lead her to her gifts.

“I brought you flowers because I want to. But I got you this because I need to know you were serious.”

I hand her the leather cut and show her the back. “You ready to be my old lady, to ride on the back of my bike and be my property for the rest of your life?”

That was one of our conversations in the forest. What does it mean to be property? Raven listened, asked questions. She was nervous, after the way her ex treated her, that she’d be kept in place.

I assured her my only concern is to give her a happy life, whatever that looks like.

“Yes,” she says, clapping giddily. “A thousand times, yes.”

I hold it out for her, and she slips one arm through, then the other. “How does it look?” she asks, as she lifts her hair and tugs it over one shoulder so I can see the patch on her back.

I finally feel whole again. “It looks like you were always meant to be mine.”

40

RAVEN

“Did you pick this book on purpose?” I ask Quinn at our next book club meeting at Dawn’s apartment.

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