Page 23 of Denial

When Hope’s not doing her therapy, I’ve gotten her in the pool a few times. The water seems to help with the pain on some days while only antagonizing it other days. Still, she loves being in the water even if she’s just floating around. I try to keep our interactions light and get her to laugh because it’s what she needs. All of her wounds have essentially healed over the last month and a half. Now, she’s battling mentally getting through each day. Her emotions are all over the place as well. I’ve held her as she cried her eyes out over nothing and massaged her body when she gets a cramp. We don’t have to worry about open wounds any longer because they’ve all healed and closed off. The stitches from her side have been removed and we don’t have to worry about that either. Hope is no longer on antibiotics but she is still on pain medicine.

Every single day is the same thing. I cook with King so we all have something to eat. The guys rotate being on guard duty outside with at least two of them being inside with Hope and myself. Hope watches us all work and move around her as she tries to help where she can, but she’s usually doing therapy or resting on the couch after a session while waiting for her pain medicine to kick in. Her therapist helps her shower after each session so none of us have to see her naked. Once a day, Hope talks to her family for about five minutes and no longer. We’re risking her talking to them at all, but she can’t go a long period of time without talking to them. All of us are using burner phones so they can’t be traced. King works on his computers searching for any sign of the hitman, another hit taken out on Hope, or anything else he can find on Becker with the help of his dad back in Pine View. The two of them communicate somehow that none of us understand and never will. I hate living this way, but I’m not going to complain if it means Hope’s safe and doesn’t worry about Becker finding her again.

Today, she doesn’t have therapy or anything. Hope told the therapist yesterday that she needed a break and hasn’t taken a single one in the two weeks we’ve been here. I was about ready to do the same damn thing, but this isn’t my recovery and doesn’t have anything to do with me. We’re all happy she chose to take the day off. I’m the only one who knows what’s going to take place today though. We’re going to sit down and talk through our shit once and for all.

“Jinx, where are you?” I hear Hope call out as she walks with a cane instead of her walker. It’s something new she’s trying at the request of the therapist.

“In the bedroom, Sweet Girl,” I answer her, getting off the couch we dragged in here so I could sleep in the same room as Hope without sharing a bed with her and pushing her boundaries too far. “Are we gonna do this now?”

“Yeah. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything, and I seem to always fall asleep or start crying my eyes out for no real reason before we can make it happen. I’m sorry it’s taken this long for us to get on the same page and be able to talk,” she says, entering the room we’ve claimed as hers and heading for the bed where she sits up against the headboard and I make sure she’s comfortable before sitting on the edge of the bed next to her.

“I’m not sure where to start now that it’s about to happen,” I tell her as I look up and watch her nodding her head in agreement. “First I should apologize for pushin’ you away for so long, Hope. Growin’ up, I knew I felt different about you than any of the other girls. You were always the best person I knew and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with you no matter what we were doin’. The days you’d smile and laugh without a care in the world were some of the best of my childhood. It was like bein’ in the dark and suddenly you were there to light everythin’ up around me. I could breathe a little easier when you were around me too. At the end of the day, I knew your dad wasn’t goin’ to let me close to you. I wasn’t good enough to be with you and that’s still true today.

“So, in high school, I made everyone believe I was the biggest player in Benton Falls. Hope, you have to know that none of those girls meant anythin’ to me and that the dates weren’t exactly what you’re thinkin’ they were. The girls I went out with were ones who had nothin’ to do on a Friday or Saturday night. We kept one another company and got out of our houses at the same time. I didn’t feel anythin’ for those girls and it was just a way to have someone to go out with. We literally hardly talked and didn’t do much of anythin’ other than share a meal or go to a party together. Our dads actually followed us one night because they were concerned I was gonna make my dad a grandpa way before he was ready.

“Hope, I can tell you right now that I’m a virgin. I’ve never had sex with anyone. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been in love with you and knew that the only person I wanted to take that step with was you. And I’ve heard that you aren’t a virgin and it’s more than okay with me. I’d never expect you to wait for me after everythin’ I’ve said and done over the years. I’m surprised that your dad hasn’t found out and gone after the guy you gave yourself too. If anythin’ you’ll be the one to lead things if we ever decide to take that step together. I’ll be followin’ your lead since I haven’t had sex before. Yeah, I get the basics of what needs to happen, but it isn’t the same as when you’re actually there doin’ it.

“Anyway, I’m gettin’ off track here. When we saved Morgan, I let her latch on to me because I knew she had no one but me in the clubhouse. The Phantom girls aren’t the right ones for her to get close to. You know this as well as everyone in the club does. They would use her and beat the fuck out of her the way everyone else in her life has. She’s not comfortable around a lot of the guys in the club because they’re huge and come across as intimidatin’ as fuck. Especially King, Devil, and some of the other guys. Annabell and Savannah weren’t around enough and you were tryin’ your best to start livin’ your life. Morgan didn’t want to get in anyone’s way or feel as if she were pushin’ herself onto anyone. We’ve all kind of felt that way at one point or another in our lives so I get where she’s comin’ from. So, we hung out together and I felt really good that I could be there for someone else in their time of need,” I tell Hope as she watches me talk and listens for the truth of my words in a way only she can see when she looks at someone.

“So, why did it take you so long to finally come to the conclusion that you were in love with me and were going to stop pushing me away?” Hope asks, her voice wavering with emotion as she processes everything I’ve already said to her.

“Hope, I’ve never been good enough for you. I’m the Vice President of a motorcycle club and that’s been my life since the second I started Prospectin’. I have no interest in goin’ to college to get a day job and I will never be around if somethin’ is goin’ on and I have to leave without any notice. The only thing I can give you is my love, treatin’ you like the queen you are, and makin’ sure you never question my loyalty or faithfulness for a single second we’re together. Every single day I try to be a better man than I was the day before so that I can even attempt to be the kind of man you deserve to have in your life. I’ll always strive to be the best version of myself when it comes to you,” I answer her honestly as I reach forward and brush a tear from her cheek that slipped from her eye.

“And have I ever said that I want a man with a day job who does the same thing every single day without a change in his routine? No, I haven’t. I’ve never said any kind of man that I’ve wanted because I was already looking at him. You are the guy I’ve wanted as my own for as long as I can remember. It’s been so long, I can’t even remember when I started to have feelings for you. All I know is that it broke me when I watched you go out with one girl after another from school and made it look as if you were the biggest player in your class and the boys in the club family. Yeah, I went out every now and then when my dad wasn’t home to tell me no, but that was it. Every single time you were in the area, my eyes would always lock on you and only you.

“I actually didn’t even lose my virginity until my senior year of high school. I kept holding out hope that you would see me the way I saw you. If I was going to give it away to anyone, I wanted it to be you. When I realized that nothing was ever going to happen between the two of us, I let that dream go. It didn’t mean anything when I lost my virginity. I just kind of let it happen and that was it. With you, I know it would’ve been special. You would’ve made sure it didn’t hurt me as much as the guy who took it made it hurt. And you would’ve not allowed yourself to finish before I did. I’ve only been with one guy and it was one time. It just wasn’t an experience I wanted to repeat. So, honestly it would be like the blind leading the blind when it comes to sex,” Hope tells me and I hurt for the experience she went through with a guy who didn’t deserve someone like her. Anger closely follows and I want to go find that asshole and make him pay for hurting my girl.

“I wish I could take it all back, Sweet Girl. If I had pulled my head from my ass and talked to your dad about everythin’ sooner, I would’ve been with you and made it as special as I could. I’m so sorry for everythin’, Hope. Can you ever forgive me and give me a chance to prove that I’m a man you can spend your life with?” I ask her, needing to know the answer to this question more than I’ve ever wanted to know anything in my entire life.

“Yes, Jinx. If I’ve learned anything in the last few weeks, it’s that life is too damn short and you never know when your time is up. I don’t want to hold a grudge or keep this misunderstandin’ between us. I want to be with you and only you moving forward,” she says as I finally take a breath that I didn’t know I was holding.

“Thank you, Sweet Girl. I promise to make sure every day is filled with love and everythin’ I feel for you,” I promise her, my voice barely above a whisper as I fight everything in my body pushing me toward Hope to take her in my arms and kiss her as if our lives depends on it.

“You don’t have to thank me, Carson. I want you just as much as you want me. If you’ve talked to my dad about being with me, I know this is something you really want and I’m not going to be just some kind of game to you,” she tells me and I see the truth as she speaks to me and slowly moves closer an inch at a time.

Before I can think too much of what’s happening right now, Hope leans forward enough to press her lips against mine. The one thing I do know that I can do is kiss. I might not have had a ton of kisses, but I’ve shared a few over the years. I place a hand on either side of Hope’s face, letting my rough skin brush against her soft, smooth face as I tilt her head to the side and slide my tongue across her full lips. Hope doesn’t hesitate to open for me and I swallow the groan that escapes as our tongues tangle and I get my first taste of the girl who was always meant to be mine.

Hope and I kiss until I can’t breathe and I hesitantly pull my lips from hers as our eyes blink open and I don’t let myself believe this is just another one of the millions of dreams I’ve had over the years.

“Is this real?” I ask, wanting to pinch myself to ensure I’m really awake and not sleeping in the hospital next to Hope where she still lays.

“It’s very real, Carson. I don’t want to wait for us to be together. It feels as if we’ve been waiting forever and I’m ready to take that next step if you are,” Hope says, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she looks me in the eyes.

“Sweet Girl, I’m never gonna turn you down when it comes to sex. I’m nervous as fuck and can’t guarantee that I’ll be any good, but I promise that I’ll get better,” I tell her, standing from the bed so I can remove my clothes.

Since being at the cabin, I haven’t been wearing my cut. We don’t want to advertise who we are in case anyone in the area is searching for us. So, we all have our cuts with us, but none of us are wearing them. They’re all hanging up in our individual rooms. Reaching behind my head, I pull my shirt off and let it fall to the floor before unbuckling my belt and then moving to open the button of my jeans before unzipping them. The second the jeans are loose on my hips, they fall to the floor with the weight of everything I keep in my pockets on a daily basis. Last to go are my boots and socks.

Putting a knee back on the bed after undressing, I climb up to Hope where she’s back lounging against the pillows behind her back. I look at her while reaching for the top of her sweatpants and pulling them slowly down her legs. Hope isn’t wearing anything under the sweats and my eyes almost fall out of my head with the knowledge that she’s been bare all day long. Hope sits up enough, allowing me to remove her shirt. Again, I find her bare beneath the clothes and find a discovery I wasn’t expecting. Yes, I know all about the ink Hope has. She was proud as fuck and showed it off as often as possible. What I didn’t realize was the fact that she has her nipples pierced. I guess we’re both in for surprises today.

“Fuck!” I groan out as I lean forward to pull one of her nipples in my mouth.

Using my teeth I pull the bar making Hope arch her body into mine as she releases a loud moan. Moving my head and pressing kisses along her soft skin, I move from one nipple to the next. Paying both of Hope’s nipples attention, I let my hands wander down her body and try to find where I can touch that will make her arch up into me and moan again. After a few minutes, I release her nipple to begin kissing and licking my way down her body. Again, I’ve never gone down on a girl before, but I think I know enough of what I need to do to please my girl.

Before I reach my destination, Hope stops me. Looking up at her, worried I’ve done something wrong, I wait for her to speak.

“Nothing’s wrong, Carson. I want you and nothing is gonna change that. I’m all for foreplay and getting one another ready, but if you go down on me, I’m going to want to return the favor. I think we’re both a little too nervous right now for that to happen. So, can we skip that this time and maybe add it in the future?” my Sweet Girl asks me, her voice unsure as I move my body back up hers to reassure her that I won’t be mad about her request.

“That’s fine, Hope. We have all the time in the world. I need to make sure you’re ready though. I can’t just plunge my cock in your pussy,” I tell her, sliding one of my hands back down her body until I find her wet folds.

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