Page 62 of The First Love Myth

Daughter.

I’m going to have a daughter. Happiness floods my body. It radiates from my center, through my fingers and toes to my ears and my eyes and back inside again. My mind is fuzzy from thejoy. I’m going to be a girl mom. With bows and tutus and ruffle butts. Julian will be excited. Any time we talked about kids, he always imagined a girl with my waves and his blue eyes. Creative and rambunctious, girly and athletic, a princess and a pirate. She could be anything and everything she wants to be.

I reach for my phone and dial his number. It’s been over a week since that first voicemail with no call back. I’ve waited long enough. The first ring sounds loud through the speakers before his voice fills the car.

“Hey, one second.”

Typical Julian. As if I still call him all the time. As if we’re still connected enough for him to put me on hold.

“Julian.”

“Yes, sorry.” He sounds closer and clearer. “I’m here.”

“Where have you been?” I ask, letting all the petulance show. “I called you over a week ago.”

“Oh, I only got your voicemail yesterday. I went to back-to-back shows, and my phone did that thing where it doesn’t tell me I have a voicemail until I reboot. And you know I never reboot.”

“You’re back in town now?” I’m already up here. It’s easy enough to swing across town and tell him in person.

“Not yet. I extended the trip into a mini vacation.” The words are normal, but the way he says them isn’t. There are too many spaces between the thoughts. He’s being evasive.

I will not consider who he’s on this mini vacation with right now. This is my moment. And I will not let him ruin it.

I switch the call to my handset and prepare myself. Telling him over the phone isn’t ideal, but I’m running out of options. He needs to know because I want to tell other people and start living with this new truth. And because, despite everything, I want to share this moment with him.

“I’m pregnant.”

“What?” He sounds breathless.

“I’m pregnant,” I say again. “Due in February with our daughter.”

“Our...daughter?” His voice cracks, and I hear him attempt to measure his breathing. “How far along?”

“Ten weeks,” I say, my voice barely a whisper. We both know the frailty of the situation and how quickly it can turn. “The heartbeat was strong on the ultrasound, Jules.”

I wonder for a brief moment if he’ll be angry that I went to the doctor without him, but the hiccup that sounds from the other end of the line is anything but angry.

“You got to see her?” His voice is high and phlegmy, a sound that can’t be faked. Julian is crying.

“Yes, I did.”

“I can be home tomorrow. Can I see you tomorrow?”

I don’t know if I want to see Julian. There are decisions to make and things to consider. There are hard questions that need to be asked. I’m not sure I’m ready for any of it. What I do know is I want it on my own terms and on my own turf. Home court advantage is no joke.

“How about Monday?” I ask. “Can you get away? I’ll send you my new address.”

“Yes, of course,” he says quickly. “Whatever you need, babe.”

What I need is a hard dose of the truth. I need to figure out what the hell I want from my life. Despite banishing all thoughts of who Julian might be on vacation with, I know it’s time to ask the question.

“I need to ask you a question.” I shift my phone to the other ear.

“Shoot.”

“Are you on your mini vacation alone?”

The silence on the other end of the line is deafening. I wonder if he’ll try to lie, but I don’t think he will. He has nothing to gain by lying.

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