Page 60 of Breathe Again

“Oh?”

“Don’t get all high and mighty with me, young lady, I’m still your mother. You could just tell me politely that you are busy with schooling, and you’ll have to let me go. There’s no need to be touchy.”

I put my finger up to Olivia to ask her to wait a minute and left the sunroom.

“I haven’t asked politely? I haven’t explained? Half a dozen times in the past six months alone?” Now that I’d started to understand how self-centered my mother was it was getting more difficult to hold my tongue.

“Mara, honestly, you can’t expect me to remember your schedule. Not everybody’s world revolves around Olivia.”

“No,” I took a deep breath, “but mine does.”

There was a long silence on the line that I finally interrupted and made the mistake of telling her that Zale and I were going away for a night so she wouldn’t worry.

“That’s nice! Who is taking Olivia? Dean and what’s his wife’s name again?”

“Sophie.” Who had only been to every family gathering we had over the past sixteen years. “And, no, she’s staying with Willa.”

I realized my second mistake as the words left my lips, but it was too late to pull them back in.

“Why don’t you ever ask me to take her?”

“Olivia is comfortable with Willa, and Willa understands Olivia’s needs. She is extremely flexible to meet them.”

“Well, maybe, if you didn’t keep Olivia away from me she’d be more comfortable with me!” Her shrill voice had sharpened to a point.

I was well into it with her now, and this time I wasn’t about to appease her. Later I would wish I didn’t always feel the need to defend myself.

“I bring her to see you every week. Sometimes twice.”

“You never ask me over for dinner. I’m here alone most of the time, it takes me a whole week to fill the dishwasher! You’re over there with your husband and your child, and your sister who you turned against me…”

“What?!” I snapped in disbelief.

“Yes! You took her from me, always wanting to babysit, wanting me to go out with dad so you could have her to yourself, always playing the little mother!” She spit the words out like they tasted bitter in her mouth.

“That is not true.” I made my voice firm. “You made me babysit, I didn’t want to babysit four nights a week!”

Especially not when Willa was a newborn, and I was only thirteen. Especially not when being at home alone when it was dark outside,with a baby, terrified me. Especially not when it was so often, and only so she could go out with my dad or her friends. Especially not when I was in my late teens and I wanted to go out with my friends!

“Oh, very nice! Does Willa know how you resent her?” she retorted sarcastically.

“What are you even saying?” My voice rose an octave. “I don’t resent Willa, I love Willa.”

“Then why are you always complaining about babysitting her when you were younger? Families help each other, Mara. That’s what families do. You, though, you’re so busy you won’t even have me over for dinner.”

“I invited you last week. You declined.”

“That damn cat! You know I can’t be around it!”

“Take Benadryl, like a normal person, and come over.” I bit out each word succinctly.

Silence stretched across the line. I refused to break it this time.

She sniffed. “You’ve always been a bit selfish, Mara. That’s good. I wouldn’t want you to follow my example, never having anything for yourself. You have to live your own life. It’s just hard for me because the best part of my life is over.”

She’d just flipped the switch on my greatest fear, losing Zale. I could empathize with her in this, and all the rest of her bullshit wasswept away by the force of my compassion, and the triggering of my fear.

“I know it’s hard, Mom. Find some purpose, maybe volunteer somewhere, focus on what someone else needs, giving someone else what they are missing, it might make it easier to cope with what’s missing in your life.”

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