Page 61 of Breathe Again

“I’ve worked my whole life. All I’ve done is look after people. I want something for myself now.” Her voice trembled with pain or irritation; I could not tell.

“Okay.” I pulled on my reserve of patience. “One minute, mom.”

I walked back to the sunroom and covered the mouthpiece of the phone to speak to Olivia. “Olivia, you can take a break and I’ll be back after I talk to Gran-Gran.”

It was going to be hell to get her back on track, but I needed to give some time and attention to my mother. Her level of irritation exceeded her norm. I carried my phone back out of the sunroom to talk to her.

“What is it that you want for yourself?”

“I want your father back. I want the life I lived back then. I want you and your sister to have a little more respect for family, and for me.”

Luckily for me, compassion would only carry me so far. “I do have respect for you mom, but I also have my own life, as well as Oliviaand Zale to look after, and honestly, Mom? You are more than capable of looking after yourself.”

“And Zale can’t look after himself? He can’t step in more with Olivia so you can come to me?”

“Again, you can look after yourself. Zale works all day. He often works late. I see you, as it is, once or twice a week, during the day, with Olivia. Is that not enough?”

“Obviously, for you, it is. I’ll let you go, Mara. You’re obviously very busy. Don’t worry about the reason for my call. I’ll figure it out myself.”

I took a deep breath. Then I found my backbone. “Thank you. I will call you this afternoon when I’m not homeschooling Olivia.”

“Not today. I’ve had enough arguing for today.”

“Well, you call me when you’re ready to talk then. Goodbye Mom. I hope you have a good day today.”

She sniffed. “Good-bye, Mara. Enjoy your life,” she whispered, and ended the call.

I put the phone down slowly, pulling air in through my nose and pushing it slowly out through my mouth. My heart was a hamster on a wheel, going nowhere at sixty miles an hour. My entire system was in shock, shaking like a leaf in the wind.

Intellectually, I knew I was right not to give in to her demands. So, what was the source of the panic? It was like she’d installed a buttonin me when I was a child, a button that she pushed when I did not fall in line the way she wanted me to, a button that when pushed activated the programming to do whatever it took to calm and appease her, to make her pleased with me once again. Appeasing her, calmed me.

I paced in circles, from the kitchen, around the family room, back to the kitchen, pulling myself together a little bit more with every breath.

My phone rang again. My heart skittered to a stop in my chest. I peered at the display. Willa.

“Willa?”

“She just call you?” Willa clipped.

“Yes.”

“Bitch!” she exclaimed, then softer, “Are you okay?”

“So-so.” It suddenly occurred to me that she must have called Willa. “Did she call you?” I asked incredulously.

“Oh, yeah.” Willa answered firmly, “What bullshit did she hand you?”

“She wants to take Olivia when Zale and I go overnight, says I turned you away from her, that I don’t respect her, take care of her, I keep Olivia from her, I can’t even remember all the crap she spewed. What did she say to you?”

“Well, she had a theme going in any case. Apparently, I’m trying to turn you away from her, got you that ‘damn cat’ so she can’t visit, I’m trying to drive a wedge between her and Olivia, that I’m selfish and self-centered. I think that covers it.”

“Yeah, she said I was selfish too.” I snorted.

“You do know it’s all bullshit, right Mara?”

“She just twists things so much! She said I took you away by kicking her out so I could babysit you, then when I said that it wasn’t me who wanted to babysit four nights a week she accused me of resenting you and not wanting to be a family that helps one another.”

Cold washed over me and I was afraid. I hadn’t meant to say that part, not wanting Willa to believe any part of that might be true.

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