Page 14 of Advice from a Sunflower

“Is this okay?” he asks, briefly interrupting my reverie. When I don’t answer right away, he pulls his hand back, leaving it suspended awkwardly in the air above my leg.

“Yes,” I hiss, grabbing at his wrist to lower it back down.

I’m needy and desperate. Honest and raw.

I want him to trace his fingers everywhere. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, but the feelings are powerful and controlling. My mind has disappeared, handing the wheel over to my reckless heart and allowing it to drive us straight into a wall.

Suddenly, his lips are back on mine and in a single heartbeat, every last distraction and obstacle in our way evaporates. Emma is gone. Marnie is gone. Years of silence dissipate, and it feels like we’ve never lost contact. The wedge between us ceases to exist—maybe it was never there in the first place?

He matches my passionate moans with his own. His hands are everywhere, moving so fast I can barely keep up with them before they’ve already gone someplace else. My dress is completely pushed up to my waist, exposing my plain cotton underwear. The spaghetti straps are both hanging limply down my arms as he shifts us so that I’m on my back and he’s hovering over me. His biceps flex as he leans down and nuzzles into my neck, placing tiny, tender kisses on my skin that have my back arching up into him.

It almost seems as if he really does want this, and maybe there isn’t any shoe to drop. No deceitful plans to be had. Maybe Eli has been telling the truth tonight.

I decide I don’t care either way. I’m a high school graduate now—a college girl as of tomorrow. I’m going to take what I want and leave it all on the line. I’m going to start living for myself and ignore everyone else. Tonight, I’m going to selfishly consume everything that has been owed to me, consequences be damned.

As if he can sense my weak surrender, his groin begins moving against mine in slow circles, taking our innocent kissing to a completely different level. My chest aches, ready to burst with desire as I match his movements. The passion that was controlling me before has been set on fire, the flames burning hotter than ever before.

My own fingers feel thick as they reach for his shirt, tugging it upwards as much as I can before he leans away from me, grabs the collar, and swipes it off in one fail swoop. His mouth is back on mine instantly as I allow my hands to rake up and down his muscular back.

Eli has always been in shape, but endless practices and workouts have sculpted his innocent, childish body into mature perfection. I can feel his muscles contracting against my fingertips as they pass, his skin red-hot to the touch.

Swollen lips begin making their way down my neck again, passing over my shoulder as he tugs the top of my dress down, stretching it over my breasts. His mouth meets my hardened nipples, gently suckling each before he passes down my waist and eases between my legs.

“Wait,” I gasp when his lips meet my inner thigh.

He pulls back immediately, gazing up at me through dark, heavily lidded eyes. “You want me to stop?”

I shake my head and look up, afraid to meet his penetrating stare. “I’ve never done this before,” I admit shamefully.

Although, it shouldn’t come as a surprise. We’re from a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business. Surely if I’d ever hooked up with a guy before, Eli would know. Everyone would know. How pathetic does that make me? He’s obviously got an abundance of experience, transitioning from an innocent child to an adult while I’ve been stuck in the ladder.

“Okay. We can stop.”

He starts to get up on his knees and I drape my arm across my face in shame.

“No,” I insist quickly, wrapping my legs around his before he moves too far away. I’m not even sure what possessed me to do that. It’s so pushy. So confident. So unlike me.

Eli chuckles, hovering over me again. I feel his hand wrap around my arm before it’s lifted from my eyes, and I suck my lower lip in between my teeth to hide the embarrassed smile that’s fighting its way through.

"Tell me you want this."

“I do. I want you to be my first.” I assure, finally finding the strength to speak as he peers at me from above.

I realize my entire top half is still completely exposed and without Eli’s body heat, the chill in the night air sends a shiver through me. My arms instinctually move to cover myself. I’m suddenly blushing at the thought that he’s seeing me like this.

“I just might not be any good at it.”

Another admission. More shame.

“I doubt that’s possible,” he laughs again, leaning down to place a tender kiss on the side of my mouth. It quickly turns more intimate, less rushed than before. We’re savoring each other instead of devouring. Time has been paused and we’ve been given the entire night to explore and enjoy.

Eli gently leads me through the motions, watching closely for any indication that it’s become too much for me and we need to stop. I do my best to make sure he never finds it. Before he enters me for the first time, he gently massages my center, explaining through heavy breaths that it's to ensure I'm ready and to help ease my nerves. I attempt to wrap my shaking fingers around him to do the same but fail miserably. I quickly give up on that task, opting to focus on the sensations he's bringing on with his touch.

Once I'm sure that I can't take any more without exploding, he pulls his fingers out of me and returns his mouth to my shoulder, placing gentle kisses in a trail up to my neck.

"Are you ready?" he whispers, his breath sending hot tingles shooting down my spine and straight back to the spot he just left.

My response is an eager nod against his cheek. It's all I can muster at this point.

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