Page 24 of Love, In Balance

Playlist:Panic attacks in paradise- Ashnikko

It’s been two weeks since Quin became my advisor.

We’ve had two sessions off campus, in Cosy Corner Coffee, and they’ve been successful and productive, despite the immense tension I feel when I’m around him.

He’s been as kind as ever, which I can’t say for when he’s on campus. It’s mind boggling to be honest. But I get it.

I had a group of female students come up to me during my lunch break recently to ask me if Quin was a dick to PhD students like me. When I told themno, they seemed offended.

One of them even claimed to have slipped him her number whilst discussing her study options. Apparently, he saw it, rolled his eyes and handed it right back to her.

I was internally hysterically laughing. I can just image him doing that. The idea of a student thinking this is acceptable escapes me. They are objectifying him based on his looks and by the sound of it, previous demeanour and causing him discomfort. Not to mention, what happened in the past. The thought ofsomeone as great as Quin having to go through that again makes me sick. Although our history has proven to be potentially crossing professional lines, I’d never approach Quin and make him feel uncomfortable. And what we dooutsideof work is quite frankly no one else’s business.

We’re two consenting adults. But despite all of this, I’m here to learn and develop my knowledge, and before all else, Quin is vital to my studies right now, and I appreciate the atmosphere between us on campus. When I’ve been in his lectures, we have no small talk prior or afterwards.

Strictly business, which is exactly what it needs to be to prevent me from turning into soup when I see him, to be completely honest. Although I’ve wanted nothing more than for him to grab my hand again when I go to leave the room and pull me back into his chest, wrapping his arms around me and touching me all over.

Sadly those scenarios have only existed in my mind.

I try to keep them in my bedtime thoughts, but they creep in subconsciously whilst I stare at him during lectures.

Sometimes I don’t even realise that I’ve blanked out until something pulls me back to reality. By that point I’ve missed part of the lecture.

I need to get laid; is what Lilah from Cosy Corner Coffee keeps telling me. Maybe she’s right. And you might be thinking,you talk to your local coffee shop owner about these problems?Hell yes. Over the years visiting her coffee shop on a weekly basis, she’s become my friend. A great one too. We catch up; she tells me her stuff; I tell her mine. It's great, seriously. Highly recommend. Flic joins us too sometimes and we all have a great chat about woman stuff, new coffee flavours for the shop and just general life. This place is the guys usual café too, so Lilah knows we’re all here to stay. Each of us consistently recommend Cosy Corner Coffee to friends and family, and over the yearsbusiness has been good for her. She deserves it.

I digress.Hugely.

Speaking of huge. Back to Quin. I suppose he has an effect on most women, and men perhaps. Makes sense after what those girls told me, plus I’ve heard the comments Oli makes too.

Quin is tall, handsome (although attractiveness is a matter of opinion), andsointelligent. He’s got everything going for him, and I’m an idiot to think he’d even look at me after our little one-off kiss on New Year’s Eve.

He’s sweet to me during our time alone, but on campus, he’s dominant. Ok, I just felt warmth fill my body at that word. I shiver. But that is exactly what he is. He’s dominant, passionate and is here, as a lecturer for a reason. He carries himself with purpose.

He's texted me each Friday to check on my availability for the weekend sessions and he’s been so flexible and patient with me. Whilst he’s still dominant, he’s like a different person off campus, with me.

He’s kind, considerate and goes at my pace. If we have meetings or run into each other on campus, he’s a lot less lenient. I’m assuming he doesn’t want other students to notice him changing when he speaks to me. Not that he does, but he just doesn’t act like his grumpy on campus self when we’re doing off campus sessions.

Speaking of off campus, It’s the STEM university social this evening and I’m not looking forward to being in the same room as so many people.

I’m thankful for Drew and the lads attending.

Despite not working at the university, Reed and Pip are coming too, since they’re alumni. The more people I know around me, the better. Flic is busy with work, but she’s fired a few texts my way full of random animal gifs to brighten my mind and get those happy chemicals flowing.

Quin will be there too. I can only hope my brain behaves.

I don’t even want to acknowledge that Pierce will be going, so I’ll be avoiding him like the plague.

Then again, I’d probably avoid him more than the latter.

The STEM faculty has a social gathering each year. They have stalls, representation from each topic, and welcome graduate, existing and prospective students.

Last year I was a rep for Engineering and welcomed possible students. It was fun and reminded me of when Reed and I became part ofFive Mountains. We met Drew and the others at the open day and the rest is history.

Keeping the positive history in mind helps me enjoy welcoming new students, despite my lack of joy for socialising.

I do it and push past the anxiety, not only because it’s fun and nostalgic, but also because I want to prove to people that no matter what you look like, what gender you are, or what differences you have, you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to.

Little Lista would’ve loved to have seen a female amputee in STEM when she came to pick her University, so I’m officially now being the person that younger me needed.

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