Page 107 of Take What You Want

I’ve never stopped loving Jane, and after having her again at Hayden’s, it’s crested with resurgence. I just need to make sense of it all.

The fear. The excitement. The adrenaline of it.

But of course Milo assumes I’m bullshitting him, making a joke of it. When you’re the funny one, the breath of fresh air, the one who’s always down for a good time, people don’t want to see any other side of you. Even family.

They always want that fun version of you, the strong version of you, even when you’re crumbling inside. Singing andsongwriting has always been my way to try to work through the thoughts in my head and my way to cry for help when no one wants to listen.

It’s my outlet for heartbreak and darkness, but also love and devotion and everything in between.

Milo and I say our goodbyes and I make my way back to the piano bench. The lid opens with a quiet click and I crack my neck back and forth. The sun glows orange behind my closed eyelids as I place my hands at resting position…and play.

28

JANE

My steps falter at the bottom of the stairs. Music fills the bottom level of the house and I follow its path, knowing I’ll find who I’m looking for at the other end.

As I approach the open doorway, Nikolai is hunched over the piano, his entire body swaying as his fingers dance elegantly across the keys. I pause and lean against the wall, not wanting to disturb him. The setting sun dances over his hair and shoulders, illuminating him from the front and sending rays of light in every direction.

His rich voice bleeds into each word, echoing over the melody he plays. It reverberates through the room and right down into my bones. The chords are powerful and beautifully accented by delicate riffs.

But it’s the words he sings that blast past all of my crumbling walls and drop right into my heart that I’ve been attempting to keep firmly in my chest when it only longs to be held in his hands. If there’s ever been a doubt in my mind before that any of the songs Nikolai has written are about me, there’s no confusion now.

I know he’s speaking to me the best way he knows how right now.

He’s in a trance as I push off the wall and approach the piano. There’s not a single pause in his singing or playing as stand at his back, but I know he knows I’m here.

Just like I always know when he’s near.

We’re attuned to each other's presence, a string between the two of us that always brings us back together, even when the years have pulled us apart.

I gently place my hands on his shoulders, feeling his movements and lyrics as he continues to play. Closing my eyes, I let the song wash over me in crashing waves. It’s like I’m listening to him sing for the first time when we were just kids. The raw talent and way he’s capable of conveying his emotions through song is heart stopping and I’m once again in awe of Nikolai Brooks.

He shifts, and I glance down. Tears glisten in his eyes, but a smile lights up his face as he looks up at me. The sight steals my breath and I don’t know why I ever thought I was capable of guarding myself against this man.

He sings the final note as he stares into my eyes and he blurs in front of me as tears escape. I squeeze his shoulders, and he lets the last chord die out as he stops the recording on his phone. But before I can say anything, he immediately starts a new one.

When he resumes playing, it’s a different song. This one is solemn, more melancholy. And when he starts singing and humming his way through the melodies, I realize this isn’t a love song. It’s not hopeful and full of mutual reassurances.

It’s remorseful and apologetic. The energy shifts in the room from the warm glow of freefalling love into cloudy regret.

If the first song was Nikolai’s confession, this is his apology.

My chest squeezes and lungs fight for air as I listen to his voice crack with each note. He’s punishing himself with this song and I hate it, even if at one point I thought he deserved it.

He’s lived through enough and I don’t want him to continue to carry this burden. He’s apologized and been making an effort to show me he’s changed, and I need to allow him to see it through.

I don’t like this haunted version of Nikolai. I’ve witnessed it once before, and I never wanted to see it again. There’s a darkness inside of him that most people overlook and take his smiles and jokes for face value. But I think he’s struggled just as much as Hayden has in the last couple of years. He just hides it better.

He gotsogood at hiding it that I almost lost him forever.

TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO

JANE

My head is groggy and eyes are blurry as I blindly reach for my phone. It buzzes against my nightstand, pulling me out of sleep. Who the hell is texting me at 4 am?

I finally locate my phone and squeeze my eyes shut at the blinding light. Peeking through nearly shut lids, I see the last name I expect to hear from.

---