Page 108 of Take What You Want

Nikolai: LJ

Nikolai: I know we haven’t talked in awhile

Nikolai: And that’s my fault

Nikolai: It’s always been my fault

The texts roll in one after another like a stream of consciousness. Each one wakes me up more and more and I sit up in bed, letting the covers fall to my waist.

Nikolai: I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry

Nikolai: I don’t think I ever told you that before

Nikolai: And I don’t expect you to forgive me

Nikolai: But I just thought you should know

Where is this coming from? And why is this apology coming in during the middle of the night?

I begin to type a response but another string of texts pop through and it sends my stomach dropping to the floor.

Nikolai: You deserve the world LJ

Nikolai: You always have

Nikolai: And I hope you’ve found it with him

Something’s wrong. I flip on the lamp and immediately hit his name. The line rings once, twice, three times. Finally on the fifth ring, he answers, but he doesn’t say anything. Heavy, stuttered breathing sounds through the line.

Almost like he’s…crying.

“Nikolai?”

A beat, and then a faint, “Hi, LJ.” I can hear the watery tears in those two simple words and I immediately start panicking.

“Are you alright? What are you doing up so late?”

“It’s not that late,” he murmurs, and I guess to him, maybe it isn't. I wish I could say I didn’t have news alerts set for anytime something is written about him online, but I do. And I’ve been getting quite the spam notices lately with all of his late night partying adventures.

“Fine, but are you alright?”

My question is met with silence and it does nothing to quell my racing heart. Guilt rises because I should’ve been checking in on him more. We haven’t spoken since about a month after the shooting when I called to see how he and his family were coping. He insisted he was fine and that they were getting by. He sounded upbeat enough on the phone that I accepted his words at face value and wished him the best as the band took their break.

That was five months ago.

Fucking hell.

I get out of bed and start pacing. “Nikolai, talk to me.”

He lets out a shuddering breath and I hear a restrained sob that he quickly tries to muffle. But he didn’t hide it fast enough.

“Where are you? Are you at home?” I switch my phone to speaker and pull up my brother’s contact. I feel helpless all the way across the country right now and that I can’t get to him. But alarms ring in my head and I know,I just know, that someone needs to get to him right now.

“Yeah,” he whispers, “I’m home.”

“Didn’t feel like going out tonight?” I ask, trying to keep the conversation going. I go to text Walker but then I notice his location. Fuck. I forgot he’s visiting our parents right now. He’s closer to me than he is to Nikolai.

I don’t even bother trying to text Hayden. While he knows better than any of us what Nikolai is struggling with right now, he’s barely responding to anyone. So I pull up the next person I can think of and hope to God he’s in LA still because the fucker hid his location from me.

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