Page 14 of My Karmic Destiny

My mind goes back to when my father first hit me in the face.

I was twelve. I had thick eyelashes and was prettier than I was handsome since I hadn’t hit puberty. I wasn’t overly masculine presenting anyway, being more sensitive to other’s emotions and preferring to hang out with a group of girls. Some boys after school pushed me around, called me gay. My father was picking me up that day and caught sight of it.

He’d watched on when I didn’t fight back, and he discovered the other boys thought I was a homosexual. He had been thinking the same thing about me and saying as much since I didn’t want to play sports, as if that would make me “manly.”

I had only ever gotten the belt before that day. But he beat me…“like a man”that night with endless punches, he placed more bruises over the ones the boys gave me.

I’m still surprised I didn’t end up in the hospital.

After that, I no longer hung out with my friends who were girls and tried out for football to keep my dad off my back. His abuse didn’t really subside until I grew up and was taller and more muscular than him. Only then did he leave me alone, when I had warned him I’d start hitting back.

Karma’s face appears in my mind’s eye. “Instant’s influence started your life even before this situation. She planted the seeds of hate for you in your father’s heart when you were just a baby, making him believe you weren’t even his child—but his brother’s.”

Holy shit. I think back to my father’s behavior and with context, and I can see what she says is true. He was always pushing me away and name calling. I remember the strange arguments with my mother when I displayed a trait that wasn’t like my dad. He had said, “He’s no son of mine.”

I could see how he might believe I wasn’t his. My uncle was softer, kinder than my father. He was quick to laughter and forgiveness. I had gravitated to his brother, and now I understand why that bothered my father so much.

Fuck.

Instant ruined my whole damned life. She set me on a path of destruction. How much harder had she made things in my home life? Would my father have been kinder without her influence? I will never really know the answer.

The effects of that trauma are clear. My anger and sense of worthlessness drove me to seek empty-hearted attention from meaningless flirting and a string of one-night stands. All that short-sighted behavior did was leave me feeling more worthless.

“There,” Karma whispers in my mind. “You’re beginning to see the pattern.”

My heart cracks. How much healing will I have to deal with? How broken am I?

I hear sniffling surrounding me. The others are coming to their own realizations. Did Instant create all of our trauma just to manipulate us?

Should I blame her for every bad thing in my life? No, I wouldn’t be taking ownership of the decisions I’ve made.

I think about Tessa’s life and her abusive and traumatic childhood. Instant tried to break her too, actually killing her mother, making it look like an accident. And Tessa lived with the guilt of that car accident for over a decade.

Karma guides us through acknowledging the pain, releasing as much as we can, and envisioning golden light mending our fractured pieces. Then she instructs us to come back to our surroundings in the gazebo and leave the past alone for now.

“You all did great today. Facing one’s pain is a brave act,” she says as we all blink against the afternoon sunlight. “Over the next few days, be aware of the feelings that come up for you. Make note of these emotions and let them wash away into the current of time. If you feel a crack arise in your psyche, use the image of the golden light to fill you and begin to mend your wounds. Remember, this isn’t a simple, one-step process. You’ll come up against your misbeliefs and pain points over and over again until you finally resolve them.”

I wish a godcouldjust magically heal my trauma, but I know it won’t be that easy. There isn’t a pill or bandage that can fix decades of abuse.

Evan, Kurtis, and I make eye contact and give each other a nod. We’ve all been through hell and somehow facing it alongside each other makes me feel a deeper connection to them.

But when we return to the house, we all go separately to our rooms to sit alone with what we just unraveled inside ourselves.

7

CLAIMING

TESSA

At the end of the workday, I’ve finished with the stack of training books.

Death comes to fetch me instead of Megan. “Hello, my little pupil. How did you enjoy your reading material?”

“I managed.” I eye him, wondering if this was some kind of test. “I’m not averse to learning, you know. I might not have finished high school because I was on the streets, but I do enjoy reading.”

A deep chuckle emanates from his hood. “I wasn’t suggesting you were some feral thing. I know you spent time in libraries and greedily consumed whatever knowledge you could in your short life.”

“Oh.” I relax my shoulders. “I suppose I’m a bit more defensive than I need to be.”

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